Depression, Lack of Intimacy, Binge Drinking

[bb88]

Today I'm having one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in 2 years. My head feels like it's going to explode and I can't escape.

This is the first time I've ever sought help, and for anyone reading you are the first people I've ever told. But I desperately need to vent and get some things off my chest.

I don't know what went wrong in my life to get to this point, I feel almost ashamed writing this because my life is relatively normal. Yet I can't explain this feeling that has steadily been building and worsening since I was 16 (26 now).

I guess I'll start with lack of intimacy, I'm a male and I struggle with the opposite sex, I've never had a girlfriend. I have zero confidence and self esteem and I heavily rely on alcohol as a crutch. The only time I've ever been sexually intimate or intimate at all is when I'm absolutely plastered.

I sometimes get very anxious socially, and I stew and dwell on how I react with people. I have never truly been comfortable around people, I have somehow learnt to merely pretend by observation.

I probably drink once or twice a fortnight, but when I do binge to excess and lately I've started to act out antisocially. I never used to be an aggressive person but lately I've found when I drink I will shove and intimidate other guys, or I find myself being dragged out of a place kicking and screaming. I see myself going down a dark path and I'm scared I'll hurt someone or be hurt.

Today was a bad day, its almost 1am and I can't sleep, I had a big night on the weekend. I balled my eyes out earlier.

I have friends and family but I feel utterly alone in this world, I want to feel intimacy with someone, just to hold someone. I'm a good person, I'm loyal to the people that love me, without them I could never cope.

I have so much negativity in my head all the time, I think it shows and drives girls away from me, I just wish I had the confidence to make a move, say something interesting. I feel down all the time and its a never ending cycle, its not just the lack of intimacy, there are other issues rattling in my head as well.

Its a mindset I wish I could shatter and just live, after so many years its become ingrained, I cant remember the last time I was happy.

I don't know if anyone will understand my ramblings I just typed the first things that came to my mind. Thanks for giving my the space to put this somewhere, I hope this catharsis will let me sleep at least for now.

[Neil_1]

Hi there bb

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for providing your post.

Firstly, drinking is never overly good for people suffering from mental illnesses (he says as he twists the lid off another stubbie – just jokes, by the way).  But along those lines, it is worsened massively if the drinking becomes in excess and you begin to lose control of yourself and your emotions, which is sounding what’s happening with you of late.  Somehow, we’ve got to try to rein back in these periods of drinking to excess and perhaps if you want to have a drink, just go with a 2 or 3 casual and enjoyable ones.

Now, with regard to your feelings of lowness, negativity and other such depressive thoughts, we need to get you some professional help, or at least, that’s what I’d be advising.  I’m not sure if you’ve seen a GP, but I think that should be your next step forward.  You’ve taken a good positive step by coming to Beyond Blue, and I believe now, it’s time to engage in seeing a GP.  If you’re not sure of any GP – Beyond Blue have a list on this site of GP’s, which can be searched for;  hopefully you’ll find one or more in your local area.  The thing with these doctors is that they are all qualified in dealing with mental health issues.  And from that they would be best able to advise your next course of action – be it to seek out appropriate counselling and/or the possible use of medication to try and assist you.

May I ask what interests or hobbies or even sports that you are involved in, if any?   I ask this in a two-fold manner.  Firstly, because if you’ve got things like this happening for you, especially on the physical, exercise side of things, that is a very good thing to have to help you with your depressive episodes;  but secondly,  my motto on these things is, the more you’re out and about doing different things, surely there’s gotta be a chance that you may just meet someone.  Just a thought anyway.

Again thanx for posting and I would really love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[bb88]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for the reply and advice, it means a lot. To answer your question regarding physical activity, I do lift weights regularly. In fact it is basically the only thing that keeps me sane. I had to rest for a few weeks due to injury recently, it was making me very anxious and fidgety.

Basically it feels like the only worthwhile thing I'm doing. I would love to do sport again, but a bad knee injury has ruled out most sports for me.

I do have to get out and about more, but I'm a very introverted character, and I hide behind it because it feels safe. I think people sense my demeanour and it makes me clam up more.

I need to cut down my drinking, because I am already a fairly melancholy person it exacerbates majorly when I'm coming down. I don't know if I'm ready to talk to someone face to face, it sounds stupid but I'm kind of ashamed, but I am hard on myself all the time in that way, I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

Thanks for listening, I feel myself calming down just by getting this off my chest, its been pent up for a long time.

[Neil_1]

Hey, great to hear back from you.

Yes, I’m into weights too and after a lengthy time off, due to injury and other things, I’ve only just got back to going again – but it definitely DOES suck when you’re happily doing weights and you sustain an injury – not being able to go to the gym, fairly drives me up the wall.

BB, feel free to unload here – as you know it’s all anonymous, it’s monitored and checked for language and content and above all else, there is no judgement shown to anyone on this site.  Everyone is welcomed with open (arms) keyboards.  🙂

So if you feel able to, then please do share and open up here – you will not be a burden to anyone here and don’t forget that there are thousands upon thousands of people out there and I’ll bet that if you share some of your story, there’ll be others who’ll nod their heads and say, “Yep, I recognise that”, or “Yep, I’ve been down that path too”.

I do hope to hear back again from you;

Neil