Depression is tearing me apart

[Karina_S]

Hi everyone,

I just want to vent out my feelings, as I've always been a very reserved person, and I share little except perhaps with a few close people. This is a first for me, I've never really made an effort to join a group, but the time has come, I think.

My depression started about 3 to 4 years ago, I think it was due to someone close to me developing dementia, and it had slowly been tearing away at my happiness and mindset (I'm sure someone could perhaps relate to this). It then started to tear at my confidence, and my motivation to get up, or get out of bed even. I've lost focus at uni, I can't concentrate well enough, and I feel as if I'm a human robot, trudging along day by day, and I feel as if I have fixed that fake "smile" in place for hours just so that people could see me as a strong, independent person. But I could only describe my thoughts as intense feelings of loneliness, as if I am walking along a dark gravel road, in a very, very deserted forest. It's cyclic. The thing is, I've tried to change my mindset, believe me. I've tried to talk to a therapist, but every time I make an effort to get back up, I fall back, and it's harder to get back up the next time. I'm tired, and I feel as if I am falling into a dark place. It's so exhausting. I'm blessed, I really am, to be here, to have a roof over my head, but sometimes I feel so numb that my tears have stopped falling. And I understand how lucky I am, and I've tried to see that, but these thoughts (sometimes indescribable), keep tearing away at my soul. I feel restless, but I'm motionless. My social life is appalling, and I don't feel like interacting with people anymore. It's as if my brain is fighting different battles at once. I also suffer from extreme anxiety, which may have caused my depression. I can't recognise that happy girl from years ago. Every time I look in the mirror, I become more invisible. I haven't shared much, but I just hope that somebody can relate, or perhaps someone similar to me, doesn't feel lonely once reading this. The reason I've written this, is I have very little hope left. But hope inspired me to share my thoughts.

Thank you for reading this.

[blondguy]

Hello Karina Sens

Welcome and good on you for posting with us!

Being in a a dark place/rut can be emotionally exhausting Karina. I understand what you are going through as I have had depression for a while now even though its under management (My GP) and not as chronic as it used to be.

There is always hope left, no matter how little Karina. By posting on the forums shows you have a pro-active attitude towards your health not to mention a huge step to having more peace in your life.

May I ask you about your anxiety? Do you have actual panic attacks or high level anxiety on a daily/regular basis? If anxiety is having an effect on our daily ability to function then regular appointments with a GP or counselor would be beneficial where recovery is concerned.

The therapy can take a long time and some recovery will take time, determination and persistence.

Please dont underestimate your GP ....many of them have a strong focus on mental health and can also aid recovery and lessen the severity of the anxiety/depression

It would be great if you could post back when convenient for you Karina

The forums are a safe and judgement free place where you can post

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Karina_S]

Thank you very much for your reply Paul, it gives me hope that I am not alone, so I very much appreciate your response.

With regards to your question on panic attacks, yes, I do have them, but not that frequently. It's more like pent up anxiety for a month or two, and at the end, I just break down into 1 to 3 consecutive panic attacks within a short period, (they can range from mild to severe), then I go back to the months that build the anxiety up again. But this has recently started in the last few 3-4 years, which I think initiated depressive symptoms. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but I would definitely say I have some form of depression, and mild to potentially serious anxiety, just because I know I have had panic attacks, and weeks/cycles of depressive symptoms.

Thank you for recommending a GP, I have taken initiative to talk to someone, as I think my previous visit was quite general and vague, and it was the only visit I went to (I felt like I didn't need to go to anymore). Now the time has come where I am considering to keep up with the visits, and see where that takes me.

[blondguy]

Hi Karina

Thankyou for posting back!

You are amazing for having such a great mindset and giving another GP a try...Good on you 🙂

Here is a link (copy & paste) for the Anxiety & Depression checklist for you....

www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

Some Good News which I neglected to mention this morning. Anxiety symptoms do reduce in severity with frequent ongoing visits. A double appointment is always a help too as you have more time to talk about what you have been going through and how you feel

Sometimes anxiety and the depressive symptoms can be us having way too much on our plate too whether its uni...family...personal matters etc. There are hundreds of thousands of Australians that see their GP for all types of anxiety every day

I really hope you can stick around the forums Karina_S

Please be gentle to yourself

Paul

[Karina_S]

Thank you so much Paul, I have given the checklist a try, and it falls into the high range category (I have given a similar one a try before, but a while ago). I have looked at some de-arousal strategies as well, to help with hyperventilation. I will try and give it a go for a few months to see if it makes a difference. And yes, I think it is a good time to see a GP. As a uni student it has been very overwhelming, I think studying makes me extremely stressed (or seeing how much I have to do), how I will get a job, how to "adult" etc. Thanks again for giving me hope that this can get better. I truly hope so 🙂

Karina

[blondguy]

Hi Karina

Good on you for trying the checklist! Its only a general indicator yet it can be helpful so we dont keep 'overthinking' our anxiety feelings.

The coping strategies are always a great idea...Excellent!

I used to have the hyperventilation too and that was a scary feeling to have.

The GP is a huge move as we then have face to face support which can reduce the severity of the anxiety

We have many uni students that post on the forums with varying degrees of anxiety/severe stress

Anxiety 'symptoms' are still only 'feelings'. Once we tag the way we feel with the symptom word it can make the anxiety seem worse. Once we learn 'Calm & Genuine Acceptance' of these awful feelings the anxiety does decrease as the anxiety has no fear to feed off anymore thus rendering the anxiety impotent.

You have a great mindset Karina 🙂

I hope today has been good to you!

Paul

[Allan533]

I related very much to your story, Karina, so you're certainly not alone. The visual of walking alone along a dark path in a remote forest - exactly how I feel a large amount of the time. And I can certainly relate to the "fall down, harder to get back up" scenario! I certainly know the temptation to give up, to metaphorically (or literally) just lie there. But that doesn't help anything, if anything it makes it worse. Some days, just getting out of bed for me is an insanely difficult task, and all I can manage, all day, is to go downstairs, make a coffee, and sit in an armchair (I've taken to leaving a stack of books next to it, so I can at least try to read without having to walk to the bookcase. I won't take anything in, but it's a possible distraction). But I try to think of it this way: imagine you had a person with 100kg of rocks strapped to their back. You wouldn't expect them to do the same stuff as someone without the rocks, right? For them, walking to the mailbox would be legitimately impressive. Same thing, just that the rocks are invisible.

The important thing to remember is that you are doing exactly the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You're working hard on improving yourself and your situation, and seeking support. I'm a big believer that every problem is solvable with sufficient work - yes, sometimes it's a huge amount of work, but everything we do towards the solution does move us towards that point. Sometimes our brains feel nasty and like to cloud the goal in darkness or anxiety, or try to distract us, or any of a thousand other tricks, but if we keep working we will get there eventually.

[Karina_S]

Thank you both Paul and Allan533!

Yes hyperventilation is extremely scary, but once we learn how to remain calm and accept it (which is extremely difficult to do), it makes it less scary. I hate feeding the everyday fears but it's sometimes unconscious. I hope I can learn to avoid that and change the way I think about it, it is just going to take a lot of time and practice. Thank you Paul, I truly hope to change. I've tried again and again, and failed, but I'm trying to find a solution, until those failures turn into successes.

And wow Allan533, thank you for sharing that you can relate, I certainly feel better now, especially after reading your post, and I'm starting to read some other posts on this forum, which helps too. Actually, a few weeks ago I was feeling the same, I couldn't get out of bed, but once I did, I couldn't believe it. It was so difficult. No one except those who go through it will personally know of how heavy those truly rocks feel. It takes tremendous effort, and at one point I had to skip almost a week and shut myself in, which didn't help. But to just keep trying, I hope I can get through, and learn to forgive myself. I wish I had the hobbies I once had (I was a bookworm once), it helped me escape time to time from reality (so I can relate to having a cup of hot tea and reading a good book). I've just lost motivation and interest. But now I see that depression, anxiety or whatever you want to label it, is another way to make us stronger, and I know there is hope for both of us to feel like we once did, again. Thank you for giving me hope Allan :)) I wish you the best too! I guess there are others who have travelled along the same road, all we need to do is follow it and see where it takes us, no matter how steep the hill may be.

Regards,

Karina.

[Doolhof]

Hi Karina, Paul, Allan and All Reading,

Someone reminded me recently that is okay to have a bad day with mental health, it is how we look at our situation that makes us either hate it or accept it. I'm trying for acceptance these days.

I awoke this morning at 2.30 a.m. and found myself crying because I felt so depressed. There was no real reason for it, well maybe a couple, but was I going to do myself much good if I stayed in bed and cried all day?

I recognised how I was feeling. I tried to accept it and tried to think of ways I could work on my day later on to make my thoughts and actions more helpful.

Today I was not able to achieve everything I had set out to do, but I do acknowledge the things I did achieve and am thankful for that.

Karina, maybe you could pick up a book and tell yourself you will read just 5 pages. If the book interests you, maybe more of the book will be read. Telling yourself you need to read a whole book from cover to cover might be too overwhelming right now. Or maybe look for a book with short stories.

The hill may be steep, there is nothing wrong with just sitting for a while admiring the view. Even on a cold misty day on a hill, you might not be able to see much like a dark day of depression, but we all know the clouds will lift eventually. Even on bad depression days there is something to be thankful for if we look hard enough.

Cheers to you all from Dools

[blondguy]

Hi Karina

I noticed a great point you made in your opening post.... "I also suffer from extreme anxiety, which may have caused my depression" This is really an excellent observation and I agree with you as I left my anxiety untreated for way too long in its early days and ended up with clinical depression unfortunately

Just from what I have learned is the earlier the anxiety is treated the better our recovery 🙂

Hope this helps Karina

Paul