Depression is tearing me apart

[Karina_S]

Hi everyone,

I just want to vent out my feelings, as I've always been a very reserved person, and I share little except perhaps with a few close people. This is a first for me, I've never really made an effort to join a group, but the time has come, I think.

My depression started about 3 to 4 years ago, I think it was due to someone close to me developing dementia, and it had slowly been tearing away at my happiness and mindset (I'm sure someone could perhaps relate to this). It then started to tear at my confidence, and my motivation to get up, or get out of bed even. I've lost focus at uni, I can't concentrate well enough, and I feel as if I'm a human robot, trudging along day by day, and I feel as if I have fixed that fake "smile" in place for hours just so that people could see me as a strong, independent person. But I could only describe my thoughts as intense feelings of loneliness, as if I am walking along a dark gravel road, in a very, very deserted forest. It's cyclic. The thing is, I've tried to change my mindset, believe me. I've tried to talk to a therapist, but every time I make an effort to get back up, I fall back, and it's harder to get back up the next time. I'm tired, and I feel as if I am falling into a dark place. It's so exhausting. I'm blessed, I really am, to be here, to have a roof over my head, but sometimes I feel so numb that my tears have stopped falling. And I understand how lucky I am, and I've tried to see that, but these thoughts (sometimes indescribable), keep tearing away at my soul. I feel restless, but I'm motionless. My social life is appalling, and I don't feel like interacting with people anymore. It's as if my brain is fighting different battles at once. I also suffer from extreme anxiety, which may have caused my depression. I can't recognise that happy girl from years ago. Every time I look in the mirror, I become more invisible. I haven't shared much, but I just hope that somebody can relate, or perhaps someone similar to me, doesn't feel lonely once reading this. The reason I've written this, is I have very little hope left. But hope inspired me to share my thoughts.

Thank you for reading this.

[Karina_S]

Dear Doolhof, thank you so much for sharing your post, it meant a lot to me. I agree, acceptance is key, and I too sometimes wake up feeling so drained, lost, tired, and numb (and cry from time to time). Yes, sometimes depression cannot be justified to an exact cause, but that doesn't mean you are less of a person. You trying to accept that is extremely brave and I admire your courage. I will take your advice, and perhaps try and pick up a few of my past hobbies, little by little. I hope you are feeling better, but even if you aren't that's okay, there are others here (including me, which is why I tried to seek help, and received it from lovely people), who are going through something similar, and in time, things surely will seem more bearable and brighter, the more we grow and learn.

And thank you Paul, yes, the exhaustion built-up from my anxiety morphed into depression. Thank you so much for sticking around and helping, it means a lot to me. You must be a very busy person, but have taken your time to help me, and I feel privileged and quite honoured. I hope we can all recover.

Thank you,

Karina S.

[blondguy]

Hey Karina

You are a legend for taking the time to reply to everyone...even though there is no expectations for anyone to respond on the forums 🙂

You speak from the heart Karina and thankyou

I am not really that busy. I was made redundant in Jan 2016 and joined the forums as my depression was spiking pretty bad. I never thought for a moment that I would still be here now.

Sometimes when we have severe anxiety we dont know way to turn. I did find an old self help book written by a female psychiatrist who suffered the same as we do...Its still available on the internet or original paperback for under $20

Its been sold for decades and she has written her book in plain English without any jargon

She does discuss calm and true acceptance of panic attacks and depression too...The book that I wore out was..

'Self Help for Your Nerves' by Dr Claire Weekes

Its only a small paperback written for people with anxiety/depression and how to find peace

If you have a rainy day its well worth a look 🙂

I hope your day has been good to you Karina

My kind thoughts always

Paul

[Karina_S]

Hi Paul,

Thank you so much for your kind feedback. I just want to let everyone how much I appreciate the support and feedback, (I really needed it as I was so down, so reading the posts really helped). Thank you for recommending the book, when I have some time, I'll try and purchase and read it when I can. I spiralled down when my procrastination lead to anxiety which lead to depression (and this has just been cyclic). I've been trying to fix my procrastination habits, but it is just so hard with depression. When I took a course which I had to drop as a result of so much anxiety, it also lead to lower self-esteem and feelings of failure. I'm trying to tell myself that it was not the time, and my mental health was affected as a result, but I still have so many regrets, this and many others. I can see how many people are suffering though, and that I am not alone at all. It really saddens me that mental illness/s affect so many others. I wish it didn't exist, or the stigma around it, but then again, we all have a war in our minds that we have to fight.

I am so glad you are here now. You are most certainly needed (I needed you! If it weren't for your response, I'd still be feeling pretty worthless, you simply existing and responding was something I really needed). You are making a positive change for the better in this world, and many are appreciating it, myself included. You took your worst experiences and are making use of it now, which takes so much energy, effort, courage and resilience. You are truly inspirational, and a role model.

Many regards, and I hope for a full recovery for the both of us and everyone who is suffering,

Karina.