Depression and Alcohol

[Helpadad]

Hi All,

Its been now another year since my last post. .My wife is still in denial, despite still drinking in secret and hiding wine bottles in random places. She is still angry with the world and blames everybody but herself for the state she is in. Her anger goes from 0-100 in seconds, and I do my best to protect the kids from it but feel I am failing. She won't get help, to get nothing is wrong. If I leave, it would destroy my kids.

We built such a good life together, but she is never happy. I have prayed for light at the end of the tunnel but feel there is none. 

The words that come out of her mouth when she gets angry, it is hurtful. I believe she has BPD, because if all the different sides she has. She can be so kind and a beautiful mother, but then becomes the worse. 

Not sure what to do next, just wanted to say it out loud. Thanks for listening .

[Bibbetyboo]

Hi, I am a single mum living in a small house that attracts bin chickens.
Our son is 2 and awesome but I don't lie, leaving him was horrible.
I have been in your place but my ex didnt have to drink to get abusive.
I made a step by step approach to leave him during the pregnancy because of his verbally abusive and insanely controlling behaviours without alcohol. I contacted the orange door and anyone who had a couch to sleep on, i wound up homeless for a few months and pregnant.
Here is my advice, I hope it helps.
Get out of your head about it, either you go now or you're just waiting for something really bad to happen.
Get a backpack for everyone you plan to take with you and put all of there necessary paper work in it, including any medicines and absolute necessities, hide them somewhere for quick grab and word up someone to stay with that you plan to leave with the kids or organise somewhere to stay without a trail. Start a journal with dates and any evidence eg: photo's and write up every incident and please hide it.
Next time she's drunk and abusive secretly film or record it especially around the kids then take the kids out to sleepover with family and friends or to a hotel and call work and explain the situation.
Get onto 1800RESPECT to refer you to services and make a safety plan because people who drink can be really impulsive.
Make sure all the kids understand the safety plan in case mum tries to retaliate.
Get an IVO. Contact DHS who can refer her to help.
speak to mum only through a mediator, you can get some free sessions to negotiate visitation or sit on the IVO for 12 months while she has a good chance to work on herself then you can have a slow integration back into the family unit if she successfully changes her ways, if not take her to court for custody and don't worry, you wont lose with that evidence and that of the children.
Finally don't worry about the small house, you'd be teaching your kids a valuable lesson about the exchange of money / materials for happiness and security. 

[Bibbetyboo]

Hey, i'm not sure where my reply went, but my son sleeps from 10pm since he had a long nap. 
I have recently left an abusive partner and I can help you, i will check in again after 10 pm and would be happy to exchange some tips on handling the situation from a personal perspective.
Its got to stop and it seems to me you're ready for the  detour. 

[ecomama]

Dear Helpadad, I'm sorry for the issues and distress your wife's drinking and resultant behaviours is causing all of you. 

Such a roller coaster, it's horrible. 

I'm glad you sought the support of your GP. Now he has notes about the situation which, if it comes to this, will support any actions through Courts for % of care (which is the new word used for "custody"). 

You have BB members who've been on both sides of the tracks but all are supporting you to stay safe and keep your children safe. 

I'm sorry to have to say this about ANY parent, but it's best for you to seek 100% care, and demand "supervised access only" through Family Law Courts. 
Going near the balcony railing in front of the kids omg. Grabbing the steering wheel omg. 

If she is threatening to take her own life, please call 000 immediately >>> in the event of this, please know there are trained people to take over and you can't be responsible for her. 

I know this is terribly sad for you and your children. 
The main aim is to keep you all safe. 

Take care
EM

[Helpadad]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all your advice. I can't put into words just how much it has meant to me and comforted. I sat down with my wife and outlined all that will happen if she doesn't get help. She has an appointment with  a doctor for a referral. I have said the drinking stops, no more chances. If she drinks, I will leave with the kids. I had to give my children this chance for their mother to go-to rehab. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Lots if advice to process, but this seems right for the moment I'll keep you posted. Thanks again. 

[ecomama]

That's a MASSIVE breakthrough!

I'm so happy for you all. 

Yes indeed, wife / mother going into rehab is her best chance from what I've seen. 

You supporting her through this is so heart warming to know. 

"hoping for the best but preparing for the worst"... we're here for you in any eventuality. 

EM

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I'm so glad you managed to make progress through setting clear boundaries. Don't be afraid to freely vent your emotions, often the best course of action when we've reached breaking point. If breaking point leads us to tears, then tears may be what's needed for someone to see the full impact of their behaviour on our life. Even then they may not fully relate but at least we've expressed the depth of our pain, a gift we can give to our self (the freedom of self expression).

Would be interesting to know what's covered in rehab. This way you may be able to gain a sense of what may be lacking. For example, if what's lacking in rehab are life skill lessons and serious levels of mindfulness then there may be no major skills and mindful ways for her to be able to manage life without the drink. Such things will have to be factored into the course of her life if it's to change for good.

Now that serious fear and danger has entered into your life and the lives of the kids (with the balcony and driving incidents) your hand has been forced. Things are becoming completely out of control. 'I am the manager of my children's lives' is a mantra I have developed over the years which has come to serve me well. How I've come to serve, productively, has in turn set my own course in great ways. Our kids raise us through our devotion to them.

You are a wonderful father, a powerful guide and a beautiful person.

[geoff]

Hello Helpadad, you have done what you could only do and sincerely hope that she does decide to get the help she needs.

If she does go to rehab then counselling still needs to continue afterwards, but the ball is in her court and has to realise that unless she does stop, then she will lose you and the kids.

She may require a few trips to rehab but if she can accept this then that's a bonus, because rehab will then address why she's back there again and try and implement ways to avoid this happening again.

Sometimes it may take you and the kids to leave for her to realise what she will be missing, and do know that this situation is certainly not easy for you and that it's affecting all of you in this very uncomfortable position.

We wish you all the very best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Helpadad]

A lot has changed since my last post. Things are definitely worse, I know what I need to do, it's just so bloody hard.

She was drunk and depressed the other night, started threatening to kill herself. I tried to stop her from heading out, after she told the kids she is going to kill herself. She hit me and but me whilst I held her, and I called an ambulance. Little did I know the police were also notified and first to respond. I told them what had happened and they could see my bruising. They treated her like a criminal which was wrong, she was having a mental break down and suicidal thoughts. I told them I didn't want to take it further, and the ambulance took her for observation and an assessment. I picked her up the next day and she was remorseful. The police then advised they had submitted a protection order against her for the abuse on me. I now have to attend court with her this week for it to be served.

This has caused her to spiral, abuse to me and kids constantly. Picking on my eldest. I don't recognize her. 

I will see how the court goes. Thanks for listening. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I feel so deeply for you all. I hope you have some really solid support around you to help you get through this time.

'...for better or for worse...', no one prepares you for the worst. You can imagine it in a number of ways but when it comes it typically comes with one of the toughest questions you've ever faced, 'How bad does it have to get in order to end the marriage?'. Perhaps the greatest clue involves mental health. When family members are becoming depressed and seriously anxious, it's time to ask the hard questions.

While I don't face the kind of overwhelming seriously complex hardship you face, I have faced that question 'How bad do things have to get?'. When we're constantly trying to problem solve, based on our spouses actions or inaction and we're finding our self with our head buried in our hands more and more sobbing the words 'I just don't know what to do anymore', it's time to call it a day especially when our spouse refuses to step up and take meaningful action toward long term change. When we've changed, having bent and flexed to become so accommodating, we have to ask where breaking point is. When we've become so highly tolerant, reshaping our self to the point where we may barely recognise who we are anymore and we've done it mostly so as not to trigger upset, we have to ask how much of our self we've lost and how much more we're prepared to lose. 

As I said to my husband some months back, 'As far as I'm concerned, this marriage is over. It's destructive and depressing and I just can't and won't do it anymore. It has become one of the most depressing things I've ever faced in my life'. While he's a passive alcoholic, the side effects of his drinking have destroyed so much. His disinterest in adventuring beyond the bar fridge, his choice to find what emotions he's after in the bottle, instead of finding them with his family, and his avoidance in facing ways of developing himself through significant challenges (as opposed to drinking those challenges out of his mind) are just a few of the many issues. While he has moved into the granny flat in the backyard, we are working on developing a different kind of relationship. Not living with the person who's destroying you, through their choices, means you can be yourself.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Helpadad,
 
Thank you for continuing to trust our forum community with your concerns and for having the courage to seek support. We can hear that you have been through such an ongoing ordeal and as you have stated things have continued to get worse.
 
Let us second the insightful and caring advice given by therising to reflect and see that you may need to reassess the behaviors you have been tolerating from your wife and make a positive change. Not only to preserve and heal your own mental health, but also for the safety and mental wellbeing of your children.
 
Neither mental health crisis nor intoxication from alcohol should be a reason to tolerate any abuse, especially physical abuse that results in a protection order from the police. To hear that this abuse has now become targeted towards your eldest must be distressing for them and the whole family.
 
We urge you to engage with support services that can discuss the current and ongoing situation in detail with you and provide recommendations and helping in taking steps to ensure your family’s safety and mental wellbeing. Two services that would be excellent at providing the specialized advice required would be 1800Reespect and Relationships Australia, both offer amazing support for those experiencing relationship and family abuse, deterioration, and hardship struggles.
 
Visit Relationships Australia or call 1300 364 277.
Visit 1800Respect or call 1800 737 732.
 
Beyond Blue are available 24/7 for calls and chats via this link , our counselors are here to offer support and guidance in making these difficult decisions.
 
If your children are requiring support, we would like to encourage them to contact Kids Helpline or call 1800 55 1800, to ensure they feel supported and have a place to discuss their concerns.
 
Please always remember to contact Emergency Services on 000 if you or the children feel unsafe or at risk.
 
Thank you again for returning to provide this update.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M