Depression and Alcohol

[Helpadad]

Hi All,

Its been now another year since my last post. .My wife is still in denial, despite still drinking in secret and hiding wine bottles in random places. She is still angry with the world and blames everybody but herself for the state she is in. Her anger goes from 0-100 in seconds, and I do my best to protect the kids from it but feel I am failing. She won't get help, to get nothing is wrong. If I leave, it would destroy my kids.

We built such a good life together, but she is never happy. I have prayed for light at the end of the tunnel but feel there is none. 

The words that come out of her mouth when she gets angry, it is hurtful. I believe she has BPD, because if all the different sides she has. She can be so kind and a beautiful mother, but then becomes the worse. 

Not sure what to do next, just wanted to say it out loud. Thanks for listening .

[Helpadad]

Hi ecomama, 

I'm not sure if your words were meant to be so judgemental or not. Or you have misinterpreted what I was saying. Our marriage was great, three beautiful kids, and security. It all started to spiral when we built our dream home and moved in with her parents whilst we built. This woke up some old demons and then it slowly spiralled. So yes we did build a great life for our family, but that would seem is not enough. So please don't judge, I have enough of that at home. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

One of the most frustrating things in life can involve being more conscious than the person who you desperately wish was more conscious. Kind of feels like you're awake yet the other person is asleep and you just can't wake them up.

The person asleep has to want to 'wake up', they have to want to get out of their living nightmare. On the other hand, you can have someone who enjoys being asleep. With that 2nd one, my husband absolutely loves drinking 2 slabs of beer a week along with a 'treat' of Jack Daniels on the weekend. He refuses to acknowledge this as him managing his life and emotions through alcohol. Want to feel peace, drink. Want to escape from challenges that need to be faced and worked through constructively, want to cure boredom, drink etc etc. He simply sees himself as 'having an enjoyable way of relaxing', just like his dad. As I've mentioned to him, 'You do know this is called 'Escapism' and 'Different degrees of being drunk''. He denies it but with me having lived on both sides of the fence, as an ex drinker, I know the drill. While I drank to escape feeling the nightmare of depression, he simply loves being asleep.

You're wife sounds desperate to escape what's depressing her and you're daughter sounds naturally feisty. I have one of those, who's almost 20. She's inspiring. She refuses to tolerate her father's intolerable behaviour. She's taught me well. For example, she's known to say 'Dad, go away and come back when you've got more respect for me'. While myself, my daughter and 17yo son used to please him, so as not to trigger him, now we please ourselves as a tight knit little team that supports each other. This appears to him as us going against him, ganging up. I imagine you can relate.

Not sure if you've tried acknowledging, out loud at her, how your wife thinks and feels her way through life. For example 'I know you desperately want to make sense of everything that's depressing you. I know this is all incredibly hard on you and I know how much you truly hate yourself and how painful that is'. We can have 99 people simply telling us to not hate our self, yet when that 100th person comes along and fully acknowledges the incredible pain that comes with overwhelming self hatred, it can be a relief. Do you know if she hates herself?

[Helpadad]

Therising you have hit the nail on the head, that is exactly my situation. 2 kids not wanting to trigger her so she considers them well behaved, but the 14 year old is discovering her voice and won't stand for the shouting. That's not to say my daughter is always right, she is a 14 year old finding her way in the world. I don't know how to wake her up, but will try your words and see how I go. 

It is the constant blame of others that get me down, and the lies. She makes up things from the passed to condone her behaviour. Calls me all sorts of names. It does sound very common though, she has lost her identity. I get " I gave up my life for you to support your career and have three children, what did you give up for me?" 

In truth I can't answer that question, I work all the time in a very stressful job, I am hiding in my work. My biggest fear is that in the blink of an eye my kids will be grown up and left and I have missed their child hood. 

My children are all I am staying for. When she is having an episode she says you never show me affection or love, how can I when she is treating me this way? I see a councillor through work, find comfort in this forum but she sees no one. I had an intervention last year and took her to hospital after that. We did the two week program at a drug and alcohol centre. She was the best she had been once they had her in detox meds. But after straight back to it. No after care or support, I phoned them and asked them to check on her, they said it's confidential and she has to contact. Severe lack of support. 

Thanks again for your message. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I've found 'reality' to be a bit of a trip, a strange constantly shifting thing. As someone once said 'You're perception dictates your reality. It's your perception, to a degree, that makes things appear as being completely real to you', which can help explain a lot. Based on beliefs and experiences leading to how we perceive things, it can help explain why 2 people see reality very differently. It can also help explain why a person's version can suddenly change, based on a gradual or sudden mind altering shift in their perception. Hope all that makes sense.

Not sure if it could possibly help in making sense of things but I'll throw it out there in the hope that it does. While your wife's reality may happily once have been 'My husband makes life so much easier, bringing in all the money so I'm free to raise the kids full time. I love it. It's such a relief to be able to rely on him' it may have shifted. If she's suddenly woken up to a deep soulful longing for excitement, adventure and future plans, she will have woken up to a new perception/reality that may dictate 'I have no partner who takes the time to partner me in new exciting things, adventures, lots of plans to work towards' etc. In her mind, you will now appear as 'absent' most of the time. Of course your reality is 'I have no time for all of that, based on the seriously long hours I work' and you'd be absolutely right. So, it's kind of like 2 versions of the one situation. Technically, neither one is wrong, they're simply 2 versions. I suppose this is kind of what a marriage counselor works with, making sense of both versions of reality and leading a couple to develop a new one that works all 'round. 

With the drinking, it may appear as a real solution to her suffering, in her mind. For you and the kids, it appears as a real problem. The sufferance for you and the kids is definitely real and incredibly damaging and, deep down, I imagine she knows it.

It's undeniably taxing work at times, this 'reality' business, especially when it keeps shifting.

[geoff]

Hello Helpadad, unfortunately this is what happens when people go to rehab, is that they are perfect while in there, but when they come out there isn't much suppoort, so the person either meets up with their usual friends and start once again, or a problem arises that wasn't present while in rehab, and their way of coping is to go back to exactly how they were before.

The after help relies on that person to contact rehab, rather than the other way around, but this doesn't help the rest of the family.

I have often said the kids are happier in two households, rather than an unhappy one.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Helpadad]

Thanks all for your messages and advice. I have come to a point now where I have to make a decision. We are in a family holiday, and have met up with my other family members for a big celebration. She has been drunk everyday and loud and abusive. I have had enough and I have to think of my kids. Other family members can see if also. I find myself trying to cover for her as she makes nasty comments to me. My 14 year Old daughter ask her if she had been drinking. She lies to her and said no. Children should not have to ask their mum this, it is heartbreaking. She is so volatile now, makes up stories, tells lies. She has her own version if reality.

My question for anyone who has been through this, is do I go for full custody? Or would this push her over the edge? Is she still entitled to half of everything, despite her abusive and drinking behaviour being the reason for the separation? I know this is the path I must go, but I don't want to hurt my three beautiful children. 

[ecomama]

Dear Helpadad, I'm so sorry if my post to you made you feel judgemental. It wasn't my intention. I'm sorry. 

I am so sorry you and your whole family is going through this. It's SO hard to make big decisions that alter the course of everyone's lives. Especially when it's about the people we love the MOST in the whole world. 

I really get it. I'm sorry. 

Seeing some of the things you wrote about the kids seeing stuff happening made me concerned that authorities would get involved. 
Some things we may see as "normal family conflicts" or just you trying desperately to do ALL you can to work through this... all of this can be relayed and we end up in a corner with authorities. 

That's kind of what happened with me. 
So I do everything I can to prevent this situation for others, knowing all the while that these awful decisions are really up to them and I can't do anything to help or prevent anything for you all. 

My post was intended to be protective of you and the kids.
I wish we could all help your wife too, but this is all up to her.
You know you've done everything humanly possible to bring things up with her which only leads to outbursts of fury (I've experienced similar with a very mentally unwell spouse doing similar). 

When we love our partner, see the potential for them and our whole family and can't do a thing to change anything... it's horrible.

I'm sincerely sorry my post didn't come across as it was intended. I hope you forgive me? 
I'll try to use kinder modalities and always wish you and everyone in your family the very best. 
EM

[geoff]

Hello Helpadad, children will ask your wife if she has been drinking, but they already know and even when she tells them that she hasn't, they don't believe her because they can see for themselves.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that this is no way to bring up your children, with your wife constantly drinking, telling lies and leading them in a falsh direction, it's not a good example for them.

My kids were had moved out of home and my wife did the same until I was served with divorce papers, however, now we both talk regularly, but this would depend on your whether or not you want this to happen.

All of this is about you and the kids, you can't control what your wife wants to do, it's totally her choice and someone who is an alcoholic doesn't particularly care about their children, because this allows them to drink in peace and quiet, with no questions asked.

Your children will appreciate a stable life style and cope with their mum's drinking as they want to, perhaps with much disappointment, but their reaction won't stop her from drinking.

This is a problem only she can deal with and if you apply for full custody, then may be if she stops then an arrangement can be made between you.

Whatever you decide does not have any bearing on what your wife does, you have had enough and I'm sure the kids have as well, so either tell her to leave, go yourself or sell, if you are buying, the house, this is to remove any awful memories for your kids if they were to stay in this house, so try and erase this.

Always here for you and please ask any question you'd like.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I feel for you so deeply as you struggle with the best direction to head in. To know the best direction, deep down, yet to fear taking it is just so incredibly tormenting. It's something that can leave you feeling torn apart in so many ways.

I can only imagine how exhausted you are. You have so much on your plate. You're managing your own mental health and the mental health of your kids. You're constantly mulling over what is the best direction to head in, while working a job on top of that. You're also managing your wife's behaviour. Whether that involves you managing her actions and emotions, you're also managing to pick up the pieces in the wake of each drinking binge and walking on eggshells while trying to manage how she behaves around others (such as with the family gathering), these are just a handful of things on an enormous list when it comes to everything you're working hard to manage. Don't underestimate what it takes to be the only fully conscious parent in the family. Often it's twice the workload. Very exhausting, to be the only 'go to' parent available.

Perhaps your wife will never become fully conscious of the impact of her drinking until she faces what the drink has taken away from her: Full custody of her kids, a family to live with, a reliable and caring partner etc. If she wakes up before the separation is completed and you're living somewhere else, who knows.

Regarding a share of the estate, a solicitor would be able to tell you where you stand. In some cases (based on a variety of circumstances, including the age of young children involved), a higher portion of the estate may be given to whoever gains full custody of the children. This is partly based on the fact that the parent with full custody can't go off and buy a 1 bedroom flat in which to house everyone. They need a cut big enough to house the kids, something recognised by the law.

[Helpadad]

Thankyou all for your kind words and guidance. We just got back from a two week family holiday abroad and it was horrible. She drank and was abusive all the time. We met up with my family for a milestone celebration and basically did her best to upset everyone including my young nephew and nieces. I have had enough now. She grabbed the steering wheel whilst driving and when in a hotel I heard the kids scream, she had gone into the balcony and stood on a chair near the she. I grabbed her in. My main focus is now the kids. We are beyond fixing and I can't help someone who won't help themselves. I have spoken to a doctor who said to make clear deadlines for her to get help and then leave with the children if she does not meet them. He reiterated I must follow through with it. That is my first step before I look at whether or not I can buy her share of the house or just sell and start fresh. At this stage I will go for full custody if she does not get help. I don't want to take my kids mother away from them but she is not safe and too volatile. Today she was clear and kind, hugged me and said I am so sorry don't throw me out onto the streets. The emotional roller coaster is immense. Sometimes I feel I am abandoning her at her lowest, but I have been suffering her abuse for years. 

My head is spinning about what to do next and if I am doing the right thing. My kids deserve to be happy, they are such beautiful kids. I know they will hate me for a bit especially as she seems in a good frame of mind at the moment. But I know I am doing the right thing and hopefully they will see that. Thanks all again.