Depression and Alcohol

[Helpadad]

Hi All,

Its been now another year since my last post. .My wife is still in denial, despite still drinking in secret and hiding wine bottles in random places. She is still angry with the world and blames everybody but herself for the state she is in. Her anger goes from 0-100 in seconds, and I do my best to protect the kids from it but feel I am failing. She won't get help, to get nothing is wrong. If I leave, it would destroy my kids.

We built such a good life together, but she is never happy. I have prayed for light at the end of the tunnel but feel there is none. 

The words that come out of her mouth when she gets angry, it is hurtful. I believe she has BPD, because if all the different sides she has. She can be so kind and a beautiful mother, but then becomes the worse. 

Not sure what to do next, just wanted to say it out loud. Thanks for listening .

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I'm wondering whether your parents are in a position, financial or otherwise, to help you and the kids make the transition out of the situation you're in, until you can sell the house. Based on how much you love your kids, I imagine you'd do anything for one of your kids if they were in the position you now find yourself in. I imagine you wouldn't let them stay in that situation. 

I know it's easy for me to say but I really do believe it's time to leave. It sounds like your kids are really suffering and, based on how much you love them, I imagine you wish to give them any other life but this one. I think the 'incestuous couple' comment would be the final straw for me, personally. If things are entering into 'a whole new low' kinda territory, regarding abusive remarks, they're also potentially entering into a whole new depressing and anxiety inducing territory.

Do you feel your parents would have the energy that you need, in order for them to begin helping you make significant changes? Even a basic plan would be a start. Btw, when it comes to the house and how much it means to everyone, I'm wondering whether it's lost it's 'home' vibe. What I mean is do the kids see it as a depressing and stressful place to live in, as opposed to being the home it once was?

[Helpadad]

Hi therising, your words have meant alot over the years. It is a roller coaster with her, and yes the incestuous comment was it for me. Today is a good day, in that she is not drinking and laughing with the kids. But I know we are in a loop until the next trigger. I am looking at a place tomorrow, my sister has offered to pay until I get on my feet.

As I sat down with them all tonight, we seemed like a family. I am about to rip their world apart, and I am having mixed emotions if I am doing the right thing. She tried to hug me and apologise and say we need couple therapy, but I said it's too late, I am tired of your drinking and abuse. I know moving out us the right decision, but it's so bloody hard. Thanks again 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I feel so bad for you for so many reasons. Not only do you face the constant stress and heartbreak that comes with competing with the alcohol in your relationship but also that which comes with advocating for your children in ways that they may not be fully conscious of or appreciative of right now. I imagine the difference they come to feel in a calmer environment may gradually wake them up to just how toxic things had become. With you knowing your kids better than anyone, only you would know whether they'd be able to perhaps relate to the idea 'Mum needs to begin making permanent changes to how she manages and behaves, not just changes that last for hours or days at a time. I've spoken with her many times and she's not able to make these changes while we're all living together'. Perhaps family counseling for you and the kids may offer some guidance in the way forward, as a team.

Cycles packed with mixed emotions can pull us in so many different directions. The brief periods of hope (for a permanent sense of change that doesn't come), happiness or relief in fleeting moments of change, regular disappointments, times of grief and self doubt can all be a part of a torturous cycle I wish you didn't have to face. Who knows what the future holds beyond this separation, whether it holds a healthier relationship for the kids and their mum as the kids grow up, a healthier relationship for you and your wife (either separately as co-parents or perhaps back together some way down the track if she changes dramatically with ongoing help) or it holds a sense of gratitude from your wife for being forced to finally face her challenges in such a confronting way. While we can't always predict the future, sometimes all we can really ask is 'What does the present need to look like?'.

Your sister sounds like a caring and loving support for you, a good person. While you face this first time challenge in your life, rely on guides and supporters to help you navigate what you've never been through before, completely unknown territory. Be kind to yourself as you map out the way forward for you and the kids. What many pioneers have in common is fear of the unknown, yet they go on to gradually cover territory nonetheless (one step at a time) because they're pioneers.

[Helpadad]

Thanks all for your kind advice. I have finally signed a lease and move out tomorrow. I managed to get a place quite close to the kids school to make it easier for walking home etc. This has caused problems in that my wife is now so worried that we will be the talk of the community. She has asked me to not go and we will get help, but I have not once heard the promise to never drink again. I have told her we can still have a future together, but I will never come back in the house if she is still drinking. She has to decide what is more important to her. I have told the kids we will both get help and it doesn't have to be for the full lease. If we can break ground then I can move back. 

Today she is angry again, shouting at me, blaming me for splitting the family, destroying the kids future. Telling me if I loved the kids I would break the lease and not go. Hardest thing I have ever done, but I pray and hope it is the right decision. I hope it shocks her in to getting proper help. She needs to let go of all the hatred for everyone she blames for the reason she drinks. She did come down the other day and give me a bag full of miniature gins, sparking wine in cans and bottles of wine. All were hidden in various places. She said sorry for everything. She has moments of clarity where is is sorry, then followed by rage. 

Anyway as I said I move tomorrow, deep breaths and thinking positive. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

That's a huge move, in your relationship with your wife and kids and the relationship you have with yourself. I imagine your daughter especially is grateful to you for the move. Like you, it sounds like she was really struggling to cope with living there.

As you step foot on this new path today in such an obvious way, I hope you've got plenty of support and guidance around you. I imagine it will be a day filled so many mixed emotions. I hope there are people who can help you with the emotional side of things especially.

I think, when we get to a certain age, there's the idea 'I should know by now how to manage challenges' but in reality every new challenge is exactly that, a new challenge. How to manage what we've never faced before? Solid guidance and support is definitely key and the admission 'I don't exactly know what I'm doing or where I'm going but I'll work it out as I go along. I'll ask for directions if need be'. While an overall goal may be easy-ish to imagine, it can be hard to imagine or see what all the tiny steps need to look like. Finding a seer to support you means finding someone who can see or imagine what some of those tiny steps may need to look like. I'm wondering who in your family is a bit of a visionary. Maybe your sister, who could see the need to fund this move. Btw, sharing the plan for the future with your kids is so deeply respectful. It will give them some sense of direction either way, whether things change with their mum or they don't. Kids tend to fear when they can't see any way forward whatsoever. As their guide, you've given them a vision.

I will be thinking of you today, wishing you only the best during one of the hardest days of your life, one of the most courageous days of your life. ❤️

[Helpadad]

Hi all,

Its been 3 months since I moved out and i have spent some of the loneliest times  i have ever experienced. Our relationship has been up and down. I have seen the councillor, but she won't. We were making progress and taking steps for the future, kids were excited. I had planned to move back in and break my lease. Then she went back to her old ways and the abuse started again. She told me tonight she hates me, I am abuser, horrible father, I disgust her, the list goes on. The kids heard it all. They are shattered again, after been given some false hope as was I. I do love her despite all what she says to me. She breaks me and I find myself crying to sleep. She believes I am the abuser and narcissist, coercive controller. She has a different reality to justify why she behaves like she does. She does not recall what she has said or done. That was my original post of bipolar and alcohol, I do believe she has it. I must admit I have thought of the easy way out, but the thought of my children keeps me going. Her life is full of triggers, and she doesn't know how to cope. Drink is how she copes. I honestly believe I have done all I can do to save this marriage. I hope my children will see that and not hate me like she says they do. She is a demon with the texting. Her mother has lots of abusive texts she has saved. Tonights texts to me were "you have no friends, everyone hates you, kids hate you, narcissist, abuser, and I'm the type of man who would pour petrol on his wife!" She does it to try and get a reaction, but she is breaking me down and pushing me closer to the edge. I know if we divorce, she will have nobody. Her parents support me as do her brothers. They do not know why I put up with the abuse. She has an appointment for possible bowel cancer. She wont hear that this is possibly connected with drink, and I thought this would make her stop. I was taking her to her appointment, but she would rather a stranger take her. There is so much hatred for me when she drinks, but I am always the one who apologises. I wanted to take the kids on a family trip to Europe and they were excited, but that is just a dream now. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I'm glad you're receiving some guidance and support through what is one of the most challenging times in your life. Seeking counsel is so important when the way ahead can be so unclear. Can also help with developing hindsight.

I think living alone can be just as triggering as living with someone. I found this to be the case very early in my relationship with my husband before we reconnected and eventually married. I never realised how depressing it could be, moving out and living without someone. Not sure whether you can relate but I think possibly the greatest challenge can involve dealing with depressing inner dialogue with no one significant to interrupt it. I think, in this case, practicing developing constructive inner dialogue can be a part of the challenge and getting out a little more often can also help. Mulling over things alone on a loop can feel like a form of torture at times, that's for sure.

I believe the more open minded partner in a relationship can suffer deeply in many ways, under certain conditions. It's kinda like 'I'll keep my mind open to whatever works. I'll try this and I'll try that. I'll push myself to develop through stuff inside the square and outside the square. I'll reform myself, change my way of thinking and see if that works in improving the relationship'. Can involve a long list of things tried and tested. You can try and try to find and practice whatever may work and then you can see a glimmer of hope that maybe you've hit the mark this time but, no, things go back to the way they were. Then there can be a whole new cycle of heartbreak. So many cycles of heartbreak does something to someone. It can become deeply depressing. I've found that somewhere in the midst of a challenge the challenge can suddenly change and it's not always so obvious. It can go from 'loving someone else so much that you'd do just about anything to raise them' to 'loving yourself so much you'd do just about anything to raise yourself'. With the self raising aspect, it can get to a point of significant revelation, 'I actually don't mind this self raising thing. It brings me a sense of joy and a sense of hope and optimism. I'd forgotten what this kind of joy and this level of hope and optimism feel like'.

A closed minded person, for whatever reason, may or may not open their mind to much needed changes. Waiting and hoping for them to open their mind can become depressing. Taking action in raising our self while hoping they open their mind means doing far more than waiting. I'm glad you're doing more than waiting. Raising your consciousness through the help of counsel is incredibly productive.

[Helpadad]

Thankyou again for your kind and honest words. They have been a comfort and I appreciate you taking the time to rely. 

You are right when you say being alone can be a trigger. I have sat in my new place on my own just staring at the TV, with only my thoughts for company. It can lead to dark places when you feel alone. My wife did apologise but something has broken this time. She said sone cruel things. Whilst I know it is the depression and drink talking, her comments still leave scars. She said her skin crawls when I am near her and much worse. She has asked me to move back in, but I have said I will make no first move for affection. We are essentially house mates at the moment. At least for the time being, I am not alone with my thoughts. The kids are happy I am home, but also confused. Thanks again the rising. 

[therising]

I think while people can judge the moves that we make, sometimes we just have to do what feels right for us. If returning to live with your kids is a life saving strategy for you, it's completely understandable.

While it's easier said than done, do you think returning with a new perspective and new strategies could be something that will help make a difference? To return with the idea of strictly being housemates sounds like a start. Maybe some research into 'How to live with an alcoholic' could be something else worth considering. Ongoing counseling/support could be another option, especially when it comes to helping manage your mental and physical wellbeing. The reason for also including physical wellbeing is based on what ongoing mental stress can do to the body. Now, with some freed up cash (from not renting a place of your own), what could you do with some of that money when it comes to establishing a life where you can begin to treat yourself to some things that would make a difference to you personally? Maybe pay for a membership to a group or a club of some description, something that leads you to feel some sense of joy and relief in life? Maybe saving up to occasionally take the kids and yourself away somewhere for a break, sharing some carefree uninterrupted time with them? Perhaps the question is 'Who do you want to become, now that you're back home?'.

Maybe being honest with the kids, without being too in depth, could sound like 'I've returned home because I struggled living without you. I just love you so much'.