Depression and Alcohol

[Helpadad]

Hi All,

Its been now another year since my last post. .My wife is still in denial, despite still drinking in secret and hiding wine bottles in random places. She is still angry with the world and blames everybody but herself for the state she is in. Her anger goes from 0-100 in seconds, and I do my best to protect the kids from it but feel I am failing. She won't get help, to get nothing is wrong. If I leave, it would destroy my kids.

We built such a good life together, but she is never happy. I have prayed for light at the end of the tunnel but feel there is none. 

The words that come out of her mouth when she gets angry, it is hurtful. I believe she has BPD, because if all the different sides she has. She can be so kind and a beautiful mother, but then becomes the worse. 

Not sure what to do next, just wanted to say it out loud. Thanks for listening .

[Helpadad]

Since my last post, we have been through court and had the protection order removed due to my submission. I was warned by all that this was probably not the right decision but I wanted the chance to fix my family.

We have been seeing marriage counseling but her underlying issues she is not addressing or seeing anyone. The drinking continues as does the many personalities she has. She is still extremely abusive to me and my eldest. And is gets worse when I stand up to protect my daughter. I have many recordings of her outburst which can be over the smallest things. She involves the children and won't talk calmly away from them. 

I told her enough is enough and I went looking for a rental, which are stupidly high priced for what they are. I have offered her a temporary solution to rent a two bedroom apartment and take it in turns if living at the apartment and then the house. This would give the kids some stability whilst we work out what we are doing. 

I am going to see my parents down south next week and want to take the kids because my wife won't let them see them. She won't let me take them. 

The abuse is unrelenting, to the point to that she came into the spare room where I have been living for a year and said "look I have good veins, it wouldn't be hard". 

When I tell her what she is doing is abuse, she calls me abusive and says I have told people you abuse me and have called helplines and reported you. She has no accountability or realisation she is the abuser. I am walking on egg shells trying to stay strong for my kids.  I believe she is now at a point where her drinking has caused serious mental health disorders..she won't get help, so I know I must leave. I am the catealist at the moment, but worry if I leave she I'll turn to someone else. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Helpadad. As you know, we have reached out to you before to ensure your safety and mental wellbeing.  Thank you for keeping us all in the loop of where you are up to. Along the way you've also been a real support to other members. Thanks for keeping this wonderful, supportive community a part of your support circle. If we stick together and help each other we can achieve a lot. A rising tide lifts all boats. 

[Helpadad]

Thanks Sophie, I do find comfort in sharing my situation. A problem shared is a problem halves. All my family and hers tell me I am not alone, but it is strange that I do feel so alone at times. The emotional games are hard and do take their toll. I have called the helplines when I have been at my lowest and my work gives EAP which has been good for me and the kids. Thanks again for listening 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

Is it possible to convince her she'd enjoy a break from you and the kids if she went to stay for a week at her parents place or a sibling's place, for example. If this is an option, you might really have to sell the idea to her or have them convince her. This way you and the kids get a break and whoever she stays with will see the extent of the problem you and the kids have. While you've spoken to others about her behaviour and they've witnessed some of it, none of them know (first hand) how incredibly challenging her behaviour has become for you all.

Unless her parents are a part of what's led her to where she is, mentally, I think sometimes it remains a parent's responsibility to step in on occasion and have their child be accountable. Doesn't necessarily matter what age their child is.

[Helpadad]

Unfortunately her parents have witnessed most of it and would not welcome her at there place to stay. Her dad was a heavy drinker and thus is probably where she learnt her ways. I have tried to make her go to rehab, tried to make her even go away for a week at a spa! No such luck. It's all or nothing. When I say let's separate she loses her temper. She will not sit down and discuss. Just says "kids dad is kicking me out and we are selling the house". 

It may come to that to be honest. I wish I could keep my kids home for them, but as someone in a previous reply said home is where ever we make it. 

[David35]

I've only read some of your posts but I would like to add something which you may already know. Only the alcoholic can fix their addiction, no one else can. I was an alcoholic due to lack of self worth being unemployed, etc. I started abusing my parents, stealing alcohol from them, pleading, saying sorry, then did it all over again in a few days time. I ended up going to AA to get better. You can't force someone to recognise they have a problem, or to get better. They have to want it.

If they want to sober up, you can support them. If they don't, it's futile. There's only so much others can do to help.

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I wish there was a much easier solution for you but I think the best one is not going to be easy. It sounds like you've thought of everything and keep coming back to the only thing that will make a difference for you and the kids. Whether it's a temporary separation or a permanent one, that's something only you can decide (based on whether she eventually wakes up to how serious things have become while working towards change during the separation). I hope you have good people to surround yourself with as you move forward, people who are going to act as great supports and guides during one of the toughest times of your life.

I think there's only so much we can tolerate before things become intolerable, overwhelming, stressful and even depressing in some cases. Breaking point is a horrible place to be and it sounds like you've almost reached it. I imagine your wife will constantly lead you to feel incredibly bad every time you mention some form of separation. I wish you wouldn't feel bad as she fights to keep life in the form that's easiest for her to manage, yet so unbearable for everyone else. Her plan for things to remain the same may continue to take you closer and closer to breaking point as your kids possibly move closer to that point as well in some form.

As David mentions, the choice remains hers. While David has worked hard toward change (with the conscious choice and incredible effort to manage no longer drinking), giving up drinking for me was easy. When I came out of a long term depression after 15 years or so, my brain shifted so significantly to the point where the compulsion to drink was simply no longer there. It doesn't matter how we give up, what matters comes down to how much everyone's life changes once we do, our own life included.

With all my heart, I wish things were so much easier for you.

[Givi]

Look, having had dealt with an alcoholic Mother over many years I will say they are extremely stubborn to change and will lie and deflect from their own behaviour to stew in their means of relief, whether that be drinking or hauling abuse at people who don't deserve it. When children are involved I personally think you owe it to them to keep them away from any environment where people exhibit that sort of behaviour, regardless if it's their Mother. I would go to the Police and get an AVO and have her find her own means of accommodation in the meantime. The kids will stay safe and have a roof over their head while she can decide for herself whether she will get better or not. The help for her is out there, but in the meantime it sounds like she's a loose cannon.

[Helpadad]

Thanks all for your continuing kind words. It is not easy and it is hard to know what to do. She still has good days, but when the bad days come they are horrid. Still blames me for everything, never accountable. And she weaponises the kids. I keep telling her to not discuss with the kids, but she involves them all the time. Dad is kicking me out, dad is putting me in the street, dad says you are all better without me. I have approached her to sort a split for week in week off, she says no, she will move overseas and get out of our lives. She wants marriage counseling, but I feel we are beyond that. I told her I won't do counseling until she commits to a program. She won't, because apparently I am the problem and counseling can fix that. 

I am trying to find the strength to walk away, but watching my kids hearts break is killing me. They keep begging me to try and fix it. I am at a cross roads and a feel so alone, not knowing what to do. My kids are my world. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

I feel for you so much as you continue to find yourself in the same incredibly challenging and heartbreaking situation.

Was wondering whether the marriage counseling idea could help make some difference to her, you or the both of you combined. Could it offer you the opportunity to develop a different perspective? I'm going back about 15 years when I recall attending marriage counseling. I actually went on my own, as my husband refused to go. Something about 'I'm not discussing issues with a complete stranger'. I got a lot out of it even though I went on my own. It was a great boost for my self esteem as I rediscovered my self worth in those sessions. I never realised how much self respect I'd lost until I went to those sessions. The sessions offered a number of much needed revelations at the time. The counselor also led me to imagine things from my husband's point of view, which helped me gain a better understanding of his behaviour along with my own.

With relationship counseling, I think it depends on the objective, when it comes to want we want out of it. For me, I went into it with the objective of 'fixing' or improving my marriage. Part of the way in, my objective changed to being 'What I could gain out of it, for myself, in the way of learning'. It ended up being a learning opportunity. It changed the relationship I had with myself.

Could the marriage counseling be a detour well worth taking, leading you or her or the both of you back on track in life, with a new perspective and much clearer sense of direction?