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Depressed about my pretender life
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I work as a management accountant which does not require any skills whatsoever and now I feel like I know nothing. Like I cant remember anything I've ever learnt and it has gotten to the degree that I'm scared of making mistakes. Even small mistakes where "it's ok to fail because it's just another step of learning". I feel lke I'm worthless. I look at my kids and cry because I feel like they have a worthless father who will get made redundant and will end up as a loser. This unreasonable thought is affecting my life and my work even though nothing has happened yet!! All I know is that I dont want to do it anymore but I dont know what else to do. I have read things like "do what you are passionate about" but I'm not passionate about anything other than my wife and kids. But this won't pay my mortgage or put food on the table. Not sure what to do..
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Dear cv02
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Depression is really the pits with the way it makes us feel.
Getting through your depression and making life decisions do not really go together. No matter how much you want to make a rational decision the black dog will distract you by barking its head off and jumping all over you, so to speak. Even thinking about a new job or career is exhausting when we are depressed. It takes a lot of energy to make major changes in our lives and I think you are using your energy to get through each day.
I could suggest ways to change or further your career but at this stage I believe you will be better off getting your depression under control. Time to make changes when you are feeling good and are confident about yourself. May I ask who diagnosed your depression? If it was a medical person can you get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist, or maybe you are already getting some help from one of these.
I understand your concern about being unable to support your family and these days it is a very real possibility. Why do you feel you may be redundant? You say anyone could do your job but it sounds like a role you need some expertise in. Often we cannot consciously remember information we have received in the past but when you look at your work I think you will find you carry out your tasks using your knowledge and expertise even when you do not realise it. I hesitate to say automatic pilot but that is often what happens. Like driving a car, our bodies automatically carry out the steps required with very little conscious input from the brain. In other words you are good at your job and do it even though you are worried and the black dog is jumping all over you.
Back to depression and professional help. How do you feel about this? I was very unwell with depression 20 years ago and needed to see the psychiatrist twice a week. He wanted me to go into hospital, which I was not keen on, but in any case I had no medical insurance then so could not afford it. I would not go to a public hospital.
Please get a referral from your GP to see a psychologist or psychiatrist unless this has already happened. Baby steps first. Also please continue to write in here.
Mary
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I just want to know what everyone's thoughts are on medication? I personally dont want to take it but I feel that I soon might not have a choice. I've persoanlly been on it before but feel like it only made me feel normal for a while when I was on it but didn't do anything to help myself long term. Like procrastinating before an exam.
I've read up on the statistics and am aware that once means 1 year..twice means 2 years three times means forever. The thought of being on medication forever scares the crap out of me. How does everyone else with depression cope????
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Hello cv02
I have never been keen on meds and the thought of taking antidepressant for the rest of my life was not good. I took various SSRI meds for many years. They simply did not suit me and produced some nasty side effects. After a clash with another medication prescribed after my breast cancer/radiation treatment I was so depressed that I was not in a safe place. This was some years ago.
My GP suggest I try a different group of ADs. The original group of ADs got a bad press as it was widely prescribed in large doses. However medical think has changed. This first group is called Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCA) and is still in use. I having been taking one of the medications from this group for several years and found it helpful.
AD do not cure depression. They create an environment that allows you to manage your life and where you can more easily work on improving your mental health. For me this was almost a miracle drug as it kept me calm but not feeling doped up. I feel calm and in control of my life. Do I want to take any meds? Not at all but I do recognise their role in my mental health and I have become accustomed to taking them.
I was very anti-drugs as I thought it showed how weak I was. Eventually I realised I take other meds for different reasons such as infections and pain. What is the difference? In reality there is no a difference. We take meds to cure us or to control a medical condition. Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure are good and common examples. The prescribed meds help us to manage those conditions which could spiral out of control and could lead to death. I find it helps me to think along that path. And lets face it, you do not usually discuss your medication routine with others.
Taking AD does not automatically mean you will take them for the rest of your life. Everyone is different and their needs are different. You can stop taking your meds, under medical supervision, when you are managing your depression. It may be that you will cycle in and out of depression as does a friend of mine. When this happens she returns to her AD, works through the current situation and stops taking them.
May I suggest you work through your depression with the help of antidepressant meds and when you come out the other side you can review this with your doctor.
Mary
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I have read a few of your other posts and have come to realise that you are also battling serious illness while also dealing with depression. I am truly sorry for the situatuon that you have been placed in. It actually makes me feel bad that I can't deal with my problems. So again, thank you for your answer. Hopefully I will be able to take one more step for today.
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Thank you so much for keeping the community updated on how you're going. We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling lost and tired. It sounds like these feelings are really overwhelming right now, and we are so sorry to hear that you're in such a tough space. Please know that you don't have to do this alone, and support is always available to you.
We'd urge you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available anytime on 1300 22 4636 or you can also get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time.
In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there to help you during your most overwhelming moments. Please do feel free to reach out to them if things are feeling like too much to cope with. We're all here to help you through this.
Please keep checking in with us and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
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Hi cv02,
Thanks for connecting to the bb community. White Rose has provided some good advice on meds, but I would like to address your employment issues and the impact on your state of mind...
"...does not require any skills whatsoever and now I feel like I know nothing. Like I cant remember anything I've ever learnt and it has gotten to the degree that I'm scared of making mistakes".
I ask myself that every time I drive a car - I just jump in and go, without a second thought. I hear that you find everything in your work rather routine to the point of complacency (?), but you may only be thinking that because it is ingrained in your psyche.
I would suggest taking a 'refresher course' (I think the banks pay for that?) to discover all the things you do know, and boost/restore your self confidence once again.
"All I know is that I don't want to do it anymore"
If this is closer to your heart, perhaps you could seek a different portfolio within the bank (even for a short term), or anything for a change of scenery.
"...but I dont know what else to do"
Failing any of these things, you are a CPA (still registered?), so you might feel brave and inspired to go freelance - scary, full of risk, but it may be the spark you seek to reinvigorate your sense of self worth (which, by the way, I think you underestimate).
"...but I'm not passionate about anything other than my wife and kids"
Putting food on the table is a good way to show your priorities are in order.
I hope this gives you something to consider.
Regards,
t.
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My position is junior, like lowest of low, but in the management accounting field. I feel like I havent learnt any transferreable skills I can take elsewhere. It is highly likely the case that I'm on autopilot and am scared of change. Like an old dog. I honestly dont know what else I can do though. I think that's why I'm tired all the time but keep waking up early and cant get to sleep anymore.
Anyways. I have a psychologist appointment on thursday, and have just decided to take meds again. It was on the doctors instruction but he was ok for me not to take it if I was still ok. I'm obviously not ok so I guess down it goes. I wish all that it took was for me to be a good person and things will work out.