Depressed about my pretender life

[cv02]

I'm 36, wife and two young kids. I have an undergraduate degree, a masters in accounting and am a CPA working for a bankp1. It sounds great on paper but everyday I feel like a pretender to the degree that I have been diagnosed with depression.

I work as a management accountant which does not require any skills whatsoever and now I feel like I know nothing. Like I cant remember anything I've ever learnt and it has gotten to the degree that I'm scared of making mistakes. Even small mistakes where "it's ok to fail because it's just another step of learning". I feel lke I'm worthless. I look at my kids and cry because I feel like they have a worthless father who will get made redundant and will end up as a loser. This unreasonable thought is affecting my life and my work even though nothing has happened yet!! All I know is that I dont want to do it anymore but I dont know what else to do. I have read things like "do what you are passionate about" but I'm not passionate about anything other than my wife and kids. But this won't pay my mortgage or put food on the table. Not sure what to do..

[White_Rose]

Hello Cv02

Thanks for your post. I do know that overwhelmed feeling. Most unpleasant. Technically I am no longer depressed though I still take AD meds. They help me when I get a bit anxious. Thanks for acknowledging my other medical condition. However it makes no difference what I cope with. We are different people and manage our various complaints differently.

Just in case my comments sound a bit patronizing let me explain. We see/hear/feel our different experiences in life just as we respond differently to scenic view or a picture etc. It does not mean we do not care about something or get thoroughly involved with it. At the time we have some sort of reaction which may change over time. Our general background life also impacts on our perceptions. I have spent many years coping with depression and, as they say, lived to tell the tale.

It was not easy and I cried so often I was thinking of taking shares in Kleenex. Gradually I got well and can look back on those days with a smile because I have learned how to cope. Like you I had a friend whose constant comment was "Think of the positives". Not helpful. To help you explain what is happening for you I suggest you read the information sheets on this website. Look under The Facts and Get Support at the top of the page. Download anything helpful. You cannot download the booklets but BB will send them to you on request, no charge.

I think it would be helpful to give your family & friends copies of some of these publications. BB is a respected organisation which means their publications are correct. It is hard for those who have not experienced depression or any other mental illness to have any idea of the reality of your pain, lack of motivation and self confidence. It's hard to see someone who was competent and a loving father and husband and the rock of the family fall apart. Instead you walk around with a black cloud hovering around you which no one can penetrate. Give your close family and friends copies of these fact sheet and perhaps walk them through what is happening once they have read the information. It always helps when the other person has some idea of how you feel.

Can you return to the psychologist? It will probably be helpful. Coping on your own may show you are a strong person but for me the strong person gets help when they need it. Chat to the Suicide Call Back Service. They are very good at their job.

Mary

[cv02]

Hi,

Me again. Not sure if anyone cares if I give an update but I'll provide one anyways. I saw a psychologist who recommended I see her again soon. She was honestly not helpful though so I made a booking with my old psychologist who i thought was helpful the last time I was depressed. I'm back on the medication again which I really hope will help but even after a week I still have the feeling of impending doom in both my mind and body.

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum to post it in but I'm pretty sure that my problem is that I'm scared of change and my mind takes me to dark futures everytime I think change will occur. I know this is irrational but apparently my mind would rather be depressed, and take me into dark places, than change. Isnt that stupid? Anyways - aside from meds. How do people cope with change? Apparently I cant even cope with changing my job because I feel that I will be inadequate. How do I deal with this? How do other people deal with this?

[tranzcrybe]

Hi cv02,

Still monitoring your progress - you can update anytime for some feedback.

Change can be daunting for most people - mine, presently, is the fear of moving house: even though I have done it before, the process seems more daunting and something I would rather avoid - I guess I've just become too comfortable where I am.

I find it best to focus on the steps rather than the destination, each being manageable and necessary to accomplish the task. In your case, it might be retraining/upskill; and from there your services will be in demand; new job; new focus; new faces...

Just like in our diets, it is good to try new things to freshen the palette. If you are feeling washed out with your job, then stepping out may have added benefits to your wellbeing.

Regards,

t.