Dealing with the really dark moods.

[Tinuviel14]

I have been fighting depression for a while now but lately I have been getting what I refer to as the really dark moods. They are something beyond the sadness or numbness that I usually get. I just feel like curling into a ball and crying at first and then I get irrationally angry. I feel like falling to my knees, holding my hands over my ears and screaming for the world to just shut up. I don't know what or who I want to shut up, that's just what I feel like screaming. They really scare me. They seem to happen randomly and can be triggered by the most insignificant reason. For example, today one of my really dark moods got triggered by getting frustrated by traffic. They always happen in the late afternoon or at night. 

Has anyone else felt like this? How do you deal with them? I really struggle with them and can be stuck in one of these moods for many hours at a time. They only seem to go away with sleep but it always leaves me feeling extremely drained afterwards. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Tinuviel

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. This is a good and safe place to describe your feelings and talk to others about the things that happen in your life. So thank you for trusting us with your story. Before I go further, am I right in guessing you are female and a fan of Lord of the Rings?  Welcome to the club.  I have been reading Tolkien since my teens which is a long time ago. Don't have enough fingers to count how long.

Your feelings, though they sound extreme and scary, are very normal. Depression is a horrible place to be and the way out can take some time. At times we cannot even see which way to go. I know it makes me very frustrated and at times I want to yell at the world. Crying is also a product of this frustration. So please accept that you are not strange or in need of a stright jacket (smile). It's all very normal.

The triggers you speak about are also normal. We go about our lives carrying out our tasks and coping when things go wrong. But after a while the constant pressure builds up and it takes one small frustration to break the safety valve. We usually call it the straw that breaks the camel's back.

The traffic incident is a good example. Being annoyed in traffic is common, especially if it is heavier than usual or we are running late. And it can feel as though the world is conspiring against us, to stop us getting to where we need to be. Sitting in your car, where generally no one can hear you, can be a safe place to let out your irritation. Unfortunately it can lead to actions such as jumping lights which are dangerous.

If I may suggest, when you are in a situation like this try for some breath control. I know it's not easy to think in these situations when you feel so wound up but the more you practice the easier it becomes. As soon as you notice how you feel try to concentrate instead on your breath. Take a deep breath through your nose and hold it for five seconds then slowly breathe out through your mouth. Do this three times. No more as you may hyperventilate. Then concentrate on your normal breathing pattern. Gentle breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Remember the emphasis is on gentle breaths.

After a couple of minutes, if you still feel agitated then repeat the deep breaths. Notice how your chest expands and how the tension starts to drain away.

I 'm almost out of word allowance so must stop here. I do want to ask if you are seeing a mental health specialist so I hope you will reply.

Warm regards

Mary

[geoff]

dear Tinuviel, welcome to the BB site, and what you are saying happens when we seem to succumb to the pressures of being depressed, in that all we want to do is yell and scream to whomever it doesn't matter, because it's a release that is needed to just let go, and there is absolutely nothing wrong in doing this, and yes I lost count of how many times I did it, or really wanted to do it, which was in the most inappropriate situations.

I remember doing it when I was taken to hospital by the police, it's a means of releasing our frustration, annoyance and not having any answers let alone solutions.

I am concerned that you haven't mentioned about having any counselling, nor any medication, which I would be interested in if you want to let us know. Geoff.

[Tinuviel14]

Hi Mary and Geoff,

Thanks for replying. It's a relief to hear that other people have experienced this too. I have talked to a couple of friends about it before who have gone threw depression and they didn't know what I was talking about.

Thankfully once triggered these moods don't take hold until I get home so the only person who gets caught on the receiving end of these moods is my partner. He knows they aren't aimed at him so he doesn't take it personally. His usual response is to make me sit down and talk. Sometimes it's about why I am feeling the way I am, others it just about random stuff to try and distract me from my mood.   

No I am no seeing a mental health specialist and I am not on any medication. I really don't like taking medication unless it is absolutely necessary. A family member of mine suffered from extreme anxiety and she over came it through meditation and relaxation techniques and that is what I am trying to do with my depression.

By the way Mary your guesses are correct. I am a 23 year old female and I love the Lord of the Rings :).

Hayley   

[White_Rose]

Hello Tinuviel/Hayley

My children and grandchildre read Tolkien. How did you go with the films? There is always a huge discussion in my family after a new film usually to complain about what parts have been omitted and which parts have been altered. It can get quite heated.

By the way, which name do you prefer?

How do you know you have depression? This may seem like an obvious question but without a formal diagnosis you may miss other factors that impact on your mental health. I do urge you to see your GP. Depression is no light thing to carry and it can last so much longer without help. Meditation and relaxation are good things to do when you feel yucky, which is what I was getting at in my previous post.

Anxiety is different to depression.  Your anxiety may lead to depression, or if already depressed you may become anxious, but they are not the same. Each condition requires a different treatment. It sounds as if your depression is getting worse if you are experiencing the feelings described above. And I could well be completely wrong about it.

Would you make an appointment to see your GP, talk about your feelings, tears, anger etc and let him/her make the diagnosis. If you have read many of the posts on BB you will see how many others try to cure themselves. Some use alcohol or drugs while others grit their teeth and say they will manage by willpower. Very rarely does this happen and never easily.  I quckly add I am not suggesting you are now or will be using alcohol or drugs.

The "I don't want to take medication" is a common reaction including mine. I felt I was weak willed, stupid, crazy, that antidepressants (ADs) were intrinsically bad and people would despise me. Not true. Doctors are not in the business of giving medication for no reason. Well maybe some are, but not in general.

Go and have a chat with your doctor and spill out all you concerns. Trust me, your doctor has heard much worse. Listen to what he/she tells you and seriously consider any advice you are given. If ADs are suggested then talk about why you are not keen to take them and ask how they work. You may be surprised.

If the doctor sees no reason for you to take medication then that's great, but give yourself the best opportunity to get well as quickly as possible. Sometimes counseling helps. Do it for that reason if your doctor recommends it.

Your partner sounds great and very supportive. Take him to the doctor as well. It's good for both to be involved.

Regards

Mary

[Shazzydazzy]

Hi Hayley.

 When I drive home from work about 10-15 minutes into the drive I find I sometimes start sobbing for literally no reason. I'll make a noise too like a forced grunt in frustration. It sounds so stupid I know.

 it's happened for years... I know that's not helpful BUT I've found it happens when I relax too much. I know it sounds weird but it's like my body turns to jelly and out it comes. For no reason.

I find it goes away and have come to accept it's my body basically 'winding down'. It's unnatural to sit in an office all day. or to work at all really. So after being tensed up and concentrating my body and mind let go. Like yawning and stretching after being stuck in a position. 🙂

 I used to be on meds but they made me even worse. it hasn't gone away and it doesn't really effect my life So I figure it's a natural reaction to our rat race lives. 

 I've been to a shrink as well ad they didn't help. Again drugs and talking. How do you talk about stuff that's organic and natural? I've had every blood test known to man and brain scans multiple times. Nothings wrong. Just frustrated. Angry. Oh I have a job I enjoy. and a wife I love. And good friends family and a home. So there's no reason for it. It just happens. 

[PaulaD]

There is nothing worse, then going through hell of depression. We all kid ourselves, and think that mental illness,like depression and anxiety, happens to someone else, but the fact is, we are all at risk, especially in this day and age. One must learn how to cope with such things... 

[Shazzydazzy]

Oh I forgot to mention. Just... if you think you feel wrong. Ashamed. Or that you're broken. You're not. 🙂 it's been years for me. more than a decade and it happens now and again. So don't feel bad or alone or wrong.