Cross roads

[Riri]

I have been married for two years and known my husband for five. Im quiet independent with a secure attachment style his is more insecure and a little co dependent. My parents never approved and still don't.  I have always had my own things in life and been happy with work and family around me. I have lived in the big smoke my entire life and had strong connections and proximity to family. My partner does not have strong family connections and does not like city living especially as we are living in my mother's rental and due to that situation, my partner pushed for us to buy own own house, in a reginal town as a compromise, so an hours drive from my family. We have renovated our house for the last three years.  Our stuff is in there, well half of it. I'm no longer feeling comfortable with the move due to how we have been lately. There is no intimacy or emotional connection between us and I don't feel I can be vulnerable around him most of the time. He does not validate my emotions or opinions and becomes upset at me. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 years. And we have tried couples counseling. I get upset quite a bit as I persist on my boundaries and at times this has ment leaving the house Renos and driving back in storms, pitch black and in tears. I'm worried that if I move there the behaviours may continue or become worse. He has depression and is not dealing with it but promises he will. He also suffers PTSD after a near death experience. His not a controlling person in actions but words seem it and often leave me confused and doubting my own feelings and perception. He says I need to change my perception and think of him in a generous way...when I try to explain that this leads to lack of intimacy he will deny any responsibility. He simply says I need to man up and move forward with my life. He tells me it's not healthy to be under my parents thumb and living in their place(rental). I'm feeling hurt and lonely. We don't have kids. I'm not sure if there is any point continuing with the marriage. He is a nice person but I feel we clash alot. I could leave now and move on with my old life quiet easily but if I move from where I am I feel it will be to hard to move back. He says he will try his hardest, but I'm not sure how when he can't hear what I'm saying. I can't simply flick a switch. I don't know if there is any hope.

[Riri]

You sound like you have lots of life experience, it's great to get your advice thank you. I find it hard discussing these things. I feel like such a failure to my family ATM. I flip flop on staying or going and can't seem to decide. It's so hard as I often think the paid advice from professionals who only deal with one side are always going to sway that way...i have enjoyed been in my comfort zone this week even if it's squatters style. I see my neices and nephews as it's school holidays and that feels nice. But then I go back to the empty house and wish I had something for my own...just a cross road and I need to make a decision one way or another I can stay like this much longer. 

[tranzcrybe]

I remember going ice skating for the first time - very young and from a somewhat cosseted lifestyle, I was told to keep to the outer perimeter, using the support rail, until I felt comfortable.
You know, I must have done 20 laps of that ice rink, never once venturing far from the one security which was actually holding me back from discovering what might have been.
On reflection, I realise this was something I didn't initiate and therefore never fully invested into the experience. Maybe it just wasn't my thing...

[Riri]

Insightful. Thank you for sharing. I hope I can make a choice. 

[Riri]

Still yet to commit one way or another. I'm wondering why I feel nothing. In the past I would be crying upset running to save it a relationship....But nothing..I feel nothing...I think perhaps part of me knows that if I go to at least try and have a decent talk that I will get swayed by clever words and perhaps some love bombing and then I'll be back in it till the next dance occurs which I'm 90 % sure it will as there has been little action to occured to make it seem otherwise( yet). How much compromise is normal. My feet won't move. I want the life I could have and it's just there so close.....but I want it  with someone that I can acturally hear respects me all of the things that make me. He says it he does, but I don't feel it, horrible stabs at my family or told I'm to negative, and my decision making process is to slow...do I see, if like he says this move will make things better...perhaps it's the magic pill?? Before marriage it was not like this... Or perhaps it was but im just more in tune with it now... Either way I want to evolve try this new adventure that I have played a pivotal role in, and be in a marriage and committed to what I promised... but my feet won't move....I can't get in the car and drive...maybe Im scared as the past has shown me what seemed to continually happen... Why am i not sad....is it because the balls in my court? Or emotionally I have moved on, (cried my heart out quite a bit) or is it pride, or has it just not hot me yet and extremity of the decision I need to make.

[therising]

Hi Riri

A time of deep reflection in a relationship can be such an incredibly tormenting time. I think this indicates the seriousness of the decision that's needing to be made. I can recall my mum saying many many years ago, well before I met my husband, 'The worst emotion one can feel in a relationship is indifference because it implies there are no feelings left to feel'. I've felt and questioned that feeling myself on a number of occasions in my marriage. I can relate to where you're coming from, with that feeling of nothing.

So many questions over the years, some you might be able to relate to. 'What is this feeling? Why am I feeling it? Is it just me? Is it just me cycling through another depressing episode where I just can't feel all that much? Is this feeling my fault? Is it something I need to fix within myself? Is me feeling this way destroying our relationship? Why can't I feel any differently? How am I meant to be feeling? Am I broken in some way?' I could go on but we'd be here all day.

I've had many revelations in my marriage, with each one leading me to gradually wake up more and more. One of the most significant ones involved me realising my husband and I were never really strong friends to begin with, like really really good friends. That's not meant to sound sad, it's simply a revelation that's led me to be more conscious in a number of ways. He actually agreed, when I shared this with him about a year ago. He agreed that, sure, we'd started off as basic and intimate friends and great drinking buddies (back in the days when I used to drink) and we shared fun times. Then we happily got married and had a couple of kids, who are absolute legends. It was when I stopped drinking throughout those years that we started to grow apart. The reason I mention this is based on the question that finally came to light, 'How would a really good and deeply loving friend behave in this or that situation?'. I think I became more of an observer in my relationship and my observations led me to question more and more. A key question for me has become 'How would a best friend help me through this time I'm struggling so much with?'. Would they behave like my partner or someone else? If the answer is 'More often than not, like someone else', this begs more questions.

[Riri]

It's definitely tormenting. 

[Riri]

Yes it is very tormenting. It makes somewhat sense about how a friend would respond. I have not had many friends been more or a solo person supporting me, but I understand. Couples counseling was getting us to do the basic best friend questioning...but he was not keen as he said " the basics " not there with us so what was the point.  He has messaged and said I need to communicate as that's what got me into this mess, so again I'm to blame... Communicating is listening and talking.  But apparently my narrative is all wrong.

It's been good having a week of, as things seem more clear. But his very articulate and good with words and I'm scared once that starts my thoughts will get cloudy again. How much evolving can I do?to what extent of evolving is enough? A friend is reminding me that the relationship that she is in with a child trying to escape the narcissist is what potential could come for me. She tells me that I'm more fisty then she was when she was going through simila way back, and to try and be selfish ( although we are trained not to be)...she tells me she should have listened to her mum way back when as she would not be in such a traped position now... I'm trying to support her as she attempts to exit a very controlling relationship... I try not to relate what she is going through to my situation...but it is similar in ways tbh however my partner has empathy and shows sadness and care...She did say; you want to wake up next to someone and think gosh I'm happy to start the day, not oh God!  what demand or job am I gonna get delt today ?  I don't no if I'm exaggerating everything or if its even reality...

[therising]

Hi Riri

It's hard, hey. It can feel like 'Am I evolving enough or am I giving too much to the point that I'm beginning to lose parts of myself in some way?'. So true what your friend says, 'You want to wake up next to someone and think gosh I'm happy to start the day, not oh God!'. Btw, I'm no angel to live with, so I like to check with my kids with an occasional 'Am I a reasonable person? Am I being too hard to live with?'. They always offer good feedback. The response is most often 'Yes, you're easy to live with and you're typically a reasonable person'. Occasionally they'll add 'although you can be a little emotionally detached from Dad on the odd occasion but we understand why. He can be triggering'. Like your friend, my daughter offers sage advice along the lines of 'As far as expectation in your relationship goes, you set the bar pretty low and that says a lot when it comes to what you think of yourself'. Her opinion is I set a standard my husband can meet, as opposed to one he should be rising to. Friends come in many forms, whether we're related to them or not. You're a fantastic friend, btw, supporting your pal who's going through one of the most challenging times of her life. You're a good person.

I think it's good to check in with friends on occasion when it comes to a reality check. 'Is this really the way things are or am I imagining them? Am I blowing it out of proportion, making half of this up in my mind?'. It definitely helps when the people we check in with have the kind of sage advice that feeds the soul. That's the kind of stuff you can feel the truth in.

[Riri]

Been a while. My husband has been working with a counseling now for some time and I have noticed some little improvements. We still get into the toxic patterns just not as regularly I suppose. Expressing my feelings needs to be done in such a way as I seem to strike his defense at the smallest perceived threats. I choose my words carefully using "I statements' ect but it still does not end well. My family has also stopped talking to me which my sister rubs in my face (she is now the golden child), she will say they are not talking to you because they don't like the way my husband said....or talked to you.. My mother only throws nasty comments aroud when I do eventually get a min to see them(between the sibblings kids been babysat). Her comments are judgy and rude " make something of your life" even though I'm doing plenty things that I value and that they never care to ask about or want to know...or if I say  I'm thinking about kids she will say with such resentment " that's ships sailed!" I can't tell my family about the good things in my life or what I'm doing as they automatically start judging or making me feel guilty. The only time they may ask something which is normally not even relevant is when they are gossip mongering so that when they see the sibling that ask questions about us they have something. I try to make time to see my family but they won't set any plans in concrete instead I have to fit into tight time gaps at the drop of a hat, to which my husband then gets upset with as they can't stick to plans and treat me with disregard and then it puts his plans out to. Then if for instance I say I can't because of late notice they blame my husband with comments such as " oh is he there" the old me in relationship would always rock up for them at the drop of a hat. Im trying to re establish healthy relationships with my family but they are just not coming to the table. It gets me really down as I long to have their approval and be accepted and I ruminate on it for days. It feels as though they are doing it to punish me for not following the scrip. I know deep down I can't control how others behave only myself. But I can't stop feeling guilty like I'm doing something so deeply wrong. My family of origen stuff just adds to the tension in my marriage. My parents wil goo out their way for when my other siblings are in town after not seeing them for sometime but for me they will ignore phone calls and refuse any communication, and then if I catch them at the odd occurrence that we are invited to a family event, they distract themselves with everything else going on around them. I suppose I'm just stuck as to where to go in re establishing a relationship  when they want no part in it unless I go back to been there at their whim and following the ' script' and doing what they value "the right way"

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