Lost

[Joesy]

I’ve spent my life keeping the peace and making others feel happy.  Ive now made the first step to leave my husband as he doesn’t genuinely love me. He’s a covert narcissist and I’m so unhappy, lonely and severely depressed.  I have never been alone in my life and I’m terrified.  I’ve moved in with my elderly mother and all my assets including home and husband are in NZ.  He thinks I just need time away.  I can’t address anything, focus, plan or think straight.  I could just stay in bed all day.  I’ve lost my spirit, hope and drive.  This is not the normal me.  I ran a business, had dreams, friends and hobbies.  I have nothing less to give 😭 I’m 57 living with my 87year old mother with not a lot that will come from the sale of house after all credit cards cleared.  I’ve now got total burnout and constant anxiety and lost all self confidence.  I dread getting up in the morning and hate what I’ve become.  I have a wonderful daughter and son in law, that have been my pillar.  I now live in NSW.  I’ve joined few women’s groups but can’t find that connection that suits who I would feel comfortable sharing my feelings with .  I had a bad childhood and jumped straight into a needy marriage.  I love being around people and feel terribly isolated and lonely 😭 sorry for the book guys 

[indigo22]

Hi Joesy,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can relate to many things in your story and I am so sorry you are feeling so down, and I know it's not easy to find a way out of the black hole. But it is possible.

Are you receiving any support from friends, family or counselling. It is really important to talk through your feelings with someone you trust. I too was a people pleaser and made bad choices with partners, but through years of talk therapy, I realised I had been giving all to others which left nothing for myself. Things began to change slowly as I addressed my boundaries and stopped being a doormat.

You have made a positive move in removing yourself from a toxic relationship (my sister is a narcissist so I get it) and now you need time to concentrate on yourself for a while. That includes eating well, sleeping well, exercise when/if you feel up to it and just generally looking after your needs for once.

I do know how difficult it can be when you have never been alone but I have lived alone for many years now and actually prefer it. What changed things for me was deciding I would rather be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons (eg. loneliness).

I also moved back with my elderly mother and became her carer when she got sick. I have lost all of my family now and never had children so I am completely on my own. That was very hard to come to terms with at first, but with time, we can readjust to our new circumstances.

I moved to a new location where I knew no one but I'm near the ocean which I had always wanted and although I still don't know many people here, I don't regret the move at all. I do still isolate myself to a degree, more as a form of protection than anything else, but I interact with people when I am out shopping etc.

I fill my time reading about things I want to know more about. I come and go as I please, listen the music I like, go to bed when I am tired etc. As you can see, living alone does have some advantages. I know that what works for me, may not work for others, but I am trying to give you another perspective to look at your life from.

I hope this helps a little, I would like to help you get through this time so if you are comfortable, please continue this conversation.

Take care of you,

indigo