Crisis Point

[Mares73]

Hi all, I just wrote a short post in my post called'Monsters in my head'. Then I realised I'm sitting here alone feeling almost too ashamed to come here & talk to you guys so I should do it. I am feeling incredibly low. I feel like I've been overtaken my misery, sadness, loss & feel like a hopeless failure. The past 2 nights I've gone to bed so relieved the day is over & hoping I won't wake up. When I wake in the morning I'm full of dread & fear & severe anxiety. As I mentioned, I could clearly write my own will the state I'm in. I'm so tired of the battles with this illness, the effects on my family & their responses to me. All I can see is a future spend struggling for other people & me not being active or happy during any of it. And it terrifies me the way depression can sometimes just overcome me & I don't know why. Like last week I was good & I managed to have a whole week at home by myself. When I was crying yesterday about how scared I was of these thoughts that seemed to be coming from nowhere & overwhelming me, I said to my husband what do I do when I get this low? And his reply was 'ring your pyschiatrist'. Now if I ring her in this state she will only be concerned about me & will probably suggest hospital or if I explain how I'm truly feeling she will admit me I think. She never has as she knows I have insight & my kids are my safety net. But if she did admit me my husband would flip out as he is travelling for work the next two weeks & we have no support to help us with kids or in a crisis. I feel like my heart is actually physically aching but I can only shed a few tears. Although if someone hit a trigger I'd probably cry for ages. I'm so over this struggle, I'm over having an illness that's still not socially acceptable in the general community. I'm tired of fighting the darkness, doing all the things that are supposed to help & ending up here. I'm only 40 & the last 10 years have just been one long battle with my illness & mu husbands leukaemia. I'm so genuinely frightened of the thoughts that are popping into my head. I'm so alone & desperate. I have a GP & Pysch who just prescribe medication. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want reassurance I won't drown or if I do that it's the best outcome. Love Mares x

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[geoff]

dear Mares, please keep us in touch, and our dear friend Neil isn't travelling the best and like you we give him our very best and this goes to of course to you. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Mary

Yes, I called you Mary … the absolute first time hey – I must be serious! 

Thank you for the post you sent to me recently, I really LOVED it and it means even so much more to me to know it came from you when you’re in a situation of high crisis. 

Like everyone here Mares, we are all so concerned for you.  Our hearts and thoughts are with you – and you know what, you’re strong, you’re resilient and you’re a fighter … I know this cause you’re still here and you’re still doing the ‘hard yards’ and for the most part, you’re doing it on your own.

This awful place you’re currently in … yes it’s been building up, but of late it really has kicked in badly … and if you did commence this new medication approximately 3 weeks ago, with regard to meds entering the system, etc, there is usually a lag time for them to become functional.  I’m just saying, that this “could” be related … and it’s only a thought.

And again like everyone else here, I wish there was something that we could say or do that would help you.  It’ll be so good to hear back from you (only when you feel able to) and to let us know what the latest situation is, with regard to the ‘help team’ who are hopefully on the job to put you in a better place.

Here’s a massive strong hug for you [[Maresy]]

Kind regards

Neil