Crisis Point

Mares73 · ‎19-01-2014

Hi all, I just wrote a short post in my post called'Monsters in my head'. Then I realised I'm sitting here alone feeling almost too ashamed to come here & talk to you guys so I should do it. I am feeling incredibly low. I feel like I've been overtaken my misery, sadness, loss & feel like a hopeless failure. The past 2 nights I've gone to bed so relieved the day is over & hoping I won't wake up. When I wake in the morning I'm full of dread & fear & severe anxiety. As I mentioned, I could clearly write my own will the state I'm in. I'm so tired of the battles with this illness, the effects on my family & their responses to me. All I can see is a future spend struggling for other people & me not being active or happy during any of it. And it terrifies me the way depression can sometimes just overcome me & I don't know why. Like last week I was good & I managed to have a whole week at home by myself. When I was crying yesterday about how scared I was of these thoughts that seemed to be coming from nowhere & overwhelming me, I said to my husband what do I do when I get this low? And his reply was 'ring your pyschiatrist'. Now if I ring her in this state she will only be concerned about me & will probably suggest hospital or if I explain how I'm truly feeling she will admit me I think. She never has as she knows I have insight & my kids are my safety net. But if she did admit me my husband would flip out as he is travelling for work the next two weeks & we have no support to help us with kids or in a crisis. I feel like my heart is actually physically aching but I can only shed a few tears. Although if someone hit a trigger I'd probably cry for ages. I'm so over this struggle, I'm over having an illness that's still not socially acceptable in the general community. I'm tired of fighting the darkness, doing all the things that are supposed to help & ending up here. I'm only 40 & the last 10 years have just been one long battle with my illness & mu husbands leukaemia. I'm so genuinely frightened of the thoughts that are popping into my head. I'm so alone & desperate. I have a GP & Pysch who just prescribe medication. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want reassurance I won't drown or if I do that it's the best outcome. Love Mares x

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Katy100 · ‎21-01-2014

(((Mary))),

Congratulations on reaching out and taking positive action.

Your daughter sounds awesome ... what maturity for her age ... the result of having a good and loving Mum.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you after the visit.

Chris_B · ‎21-01-2014

Hi Mary,

Thanks for getting back in touch and letting us know you have some offline support sorted. That's great to hear, it's been a really difficult time for you lately. Looking forward to hearing back from you when you're ready.

Jo3 · ‎21-01-2014

Hi Mares

I am so glad to read that you have support coming to see you today.

I was worried when I read your post but being at work I couldn't reply to you.

So I am sending you a big hug and thoughts that you are okay.

Hope to chat again, soon

Jo

Neil_1 · ‎21-01-2014

Hey my pal

I'm sorry I've been quiet ... not so flash myself, but to read your latest posts, I'm beside myself with worry for you.

It is really super pleasing to hear that you've sought help through Beyond Blue and the extra teams that they have engaged for you.

Mares, that was so brilliant of you to reach out ... first to here, and then to call the hotline number. I hope with my heart that you are in a "slightly" better place at this moment and that you're just moving slowly slowly away from that horrible place that you were in.

Please take care my friend,

Neil

Mares73 · ‎21-01-2014

Hi all, the acute mental health team visited me today. They said they could see my distress & confusion & my fear of these overwhelming thoughts. They are concerned my husband went away for work & is in NZ & wanted to ph him & say this is as serious as it gets & what's ur priority. But I told them he wouldn't come. They are concerned I'm by myself & if my thoughts got any worse there is a high risk ps self harm. And they are concerned at the meds I'm on too. So they were going to go & talk to the Head of the team about what action to take. They feel I need help ASAP & I have no support around me & responsible for 2 kids when I'm waking in years everyday. My husband phd tnite & they obviously hadn't spoken to him as he was his usual self-full of what the problem is & how to fix it. He thinks the state I'm in is a result of one medication-but if the medication was going to have such a severe impact on me it would have happened when I started it-not 3 wks later. He offered no support & I asked to end the ph call as he doesn't understand. Anyway the team will be back tomorrow & I'm hoping to hold on. Thanks for your support-I've never been this low that I can't feel anything about my usual self & struggling with waking & facing each day. But the acute team seems to be taking it very seriously so pls pls I will feel hope again soon. Mares x

Mares73 · ‎21-01-2014

Neil-for you- I appreciate all the support & lovely people on BB. But we kinda get each other & I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you with all your going through as well. Your a very special person & I'm lucky to have you as a friend and such a huge support. I can't explain it...it just means a lot to me. You take care & I'm sorry I worried you, oh it's so sad I have to smile but I did think to myself if something happened to me, who would tell Neil!! Crazy thoughts. I'm here for you too ok. Take care, Lve Maresy

geoff · ‎22-01-2014

dear Mares, when one of our responders reaches out for our help we all jump, and then try and help you and give you all the support you need, sometimes that's not enough, because it won't get rid of this damn depression but I suppose you aren't alone by your self, and you know that you have a zillion people still her waiting for you to post or rather us posting to see how you are going.

Hell this bloody illness it destroys anybody, but we can overcome it, and yes I know that seems to be impossible for you at this at this stage, but we are here for you, always. L Geoff. x

Mares73 · ‎22-01-2014

Thanks Geoff, like Neil-it was you both who first welcomed me to the forum. The acute team were so concerned they couldn't believe my husband had left me in this state & gone travelling to NZ for 2 was. They wanted to ph him & say what's your priority-your wife is acutely ill. But I spoke to him last night & the team mustn't have contacted him yet but he said you'll be fine, your just like this because of the stimulant your pysch put you on & he was angry they would consider asking him to come home. I started that stimulant medication over 3 was ago & if I was going to have the symptoms I'm having now I'm sure they would have started when I first commenced the medication. But he won't listen & it's like he was glad to be away during this. I'm pretty sure the team will be back today. I'm still terrified & almost immobilised but I hope this ends very soon as I'm in an awful headspace. Lve Mares

Guest_3712 · ‎22-01-2014

Hi Mares73,

I have been following your journey for a while and my heart goes out to you.

I know you don't need any more advice as all your friends here have been so supportive.

So just add another set of arms around you as we all go with you in our thoughts

Regards

Stressless

Jo3 · ‎22-01-2014

Hi Mares

I just want to say that I am thinking of you and sending you a warm big hug.

Pls take care, we are all thinking of you, you have so many friends here.

Jo xx