Compounded depression.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi, I've been a member of Beyond Blue for several years, although, it's been sometime since I have logged into my account. I have been battling my problems alone. Now I am back because, I'm really feeling a new low. Just when you think things can't get any worse and the only way from the bottom is up - bang something else in life punches in you face. This was another of those days. It would be nice to connect with someone on here that understands what it's like to suffer depression, someone that you don't have to explain why it's happening. If we knew why, we would fix ourselves and we wouldn't need such services. My partner often asks "what can I do to help?". There is no answer to that question. Some of use are susceptible to depression through many reasons, there is not just one single answer. I am a musician - and today we are the last on the list to find our new "Covid Normal". Musicians don't get a mention. The arts sector sits on the bottom of essential services, yet so many turn to music for comfort. Why is that? Why are we on the bottom of the pile while then called upon as the first to help and cure wounded spirits and sad and lonely souls? That's just the way it is. Today, my depression was compounded. To take my mind off depression and Covid (And the worlds problems) I purchased a secondhand electronic drum kit. The guy seemed honest. You see there is a shortage of such devices, everything is on "back order" or I would have purchased a new unit. I get it home and at first I was happy, over joyed, excited. "Wow what a get instrument, what a great honest seller. " That soon turned to despair when I discovered a fault in the unit and this great honest person turn out to be another rouge seller, palming off his faulty goods to the unsuspecting. Trusting people is a problem. Honesty is a dying commodity, integrity, to some, it doesn't matter. They just don't care. I asked for my money back, but no, apparently he was un-aware of the fault although the kit was only used a couple of times. So my new broken drum kit, that was to help me, distract me, sits as a reminder never to trust people. No mater how honest you are, mentally projecting your values on others, giving them your values is a mistake. Money is all that seems to matter. What a sad world we live in where money is valued more than ones on integrity. They don't loose any sleep, we do for being foolish and to trusting.

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

The disappointment related to past failures, hmm, yes. May sound a bit airy fairy but if we were to appoint our self as someone who succeeds all the time and then goes on to succeed all the time, there would be nothing to learn from. There would be no 'failures' to learn from. While failure can feel like a harsh word, I like to see it as a prompt for greater consciousness. In looking back over my life, I pick just a couple of deeply challenging situations I was failing at. With my years in depression, I was failing to help myself by turning to alcohol as an emotional regulator. In hindsight, I can see all the ways in which I was failing to find what would get me out of my depression. I was so close to failing to go to group therapy, that I almost didn't go. I succeeding in going and it changed my life. When I experienced a couple of 1st trimester miscarriages many years ago, at first, I was failing to find what would make the difference. A sense of helplessness and hopelessness made no difference. I succeeded in finding resources that eventually made the difference. In a way, a sense of 'failing' tells us we're off track when it comes to the difference that is needed. This is my experience. We learn from being off track. Life is a navigational experience.

Wondering if you've ever considered a career as a music therapist. You definitely have a lot of experience with a variety of instruments. Acoustic guitar is a beautiful thing, in my opinion. It is such a soulful sound. A great piece can trap me in an emotional trance. While guitar can leave me in a high almost heavenly state, the saxophone holds a different emotional experience. It is a very grounding sound, yet light and also capturing. A great musician is definitely a magician. The spell cast throughout an instrumental piece can be powerful. To cast a spell that pulls someone out of 'reality' and into a pure state of simply feeling is definitely a powerful spell. I imagine you to have some Merlin-like abilities. Do you compose your own spells (musical compositions)?

'Reality'. I could spend hours in deep conversation with someone who also questions what it is and what it means. Is it a Matrix type of scenario? Do we wake up one day and discover a shift or does the shift happen so gradually that we don't even notice until, one day, we say 'I barely recognise my life, compared to what it was. It's like a whole different reality. I'm like a whole different person. What happened?'.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi theristing,
I was in a live stream on YT, a young woman in her early 30’s I estimate. As she hosted this “lets write together” session, I was captivated by her confidence. Little things she would say and do, like eat on camera. Now to you that might seem like no big deal. To me seeing this girl without hesitation, “oh I’m hungry, I’ll be right back’ she then leaves the camera rolling (live stream) walks out of the room and comes back eating, no big deal. The fact alone that she hosts these writing sessions, where most of the time she is just writing, occasionally glancing up to read comments, reading them back laughing, completely void of any self-confidence issues, blows my mind. Why am I talking about her? (I’m will get there, I hope) I never know how any of my own posts are going to read.
I spent some time in that live stream, even help out moderating. Later, when I started looking back at her previous work, I found a video where she outed herself as being a witch. If I had of been eating at the time, I would have chocked to death. (Especially if I was eating a Dim Sim) My epitaph reading “He thought chewing was optional.”
She just blew my mind and it went into a kind of ‘I can’t believe what I just heard mode - anxiety, insane – shut down - reboot, did not compute.”
When I read your words, they have such a vibrance they sing off the page. It’s bright clear, but more. It’s like you are speaking my language. The mount of times I have thought of musicians as being similar to magicians (as you mentioned) is uncanny. Reading you write my thoughts is spooky. Are you a witch? 😊 (I’m kidding.)
For me telling people that I have a mental problem is to be done only with strict caution. That’s why I don’t have Facebook. It just doesn’t work for me or I don’t work for it. When I did have it working, it would make me act irrationally like deleting comments, hide comments as if somehow, I could hide away. But it would get worse when alcohol fueled. Social media, just like drink driving is dangerous. We should breathalyse ourselves before we go mindlessness posting, that is, unless you don’t have personality flaws or suffer from low self-confidence. I quit drinking near 10 years ago along with smoking a couple of years earlier. I don’t miss it. I’m sure we could share some horror stories about that wake-up call.
I love your writing. I bet heaps of people tell you that. Here’s another, do you write stories? Yes I write songs and music, I have hundreds. TY IF:)

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi therising,

I ask about your writing and I will try to address the subjects in your email rather than talk about witches.

I never asked white of black, I was to frightened. It true, she spooked me. 😕

Seriously, she seems a very nice girl.

'Woo hoo, witchy woman see how high she flies'

Love that song.

IF

[Infinite_Faith]

You write about some diverse subjects. Thank you. It great to have someone to bounce thought around with.
I call them those moments in life were it just happens to you. 🙂 You mentioned the matrix, that's what DMX is a matrix of channels. What you are saying about disappointment is very logical thinking. I agree, failure is there, around us. I'm sorry to read about your emotional battle. You talked about the power of words. . . miscarriage. I don't like the word. Its personal private and thank you for sharing. I think the beauty in your writing comes from your honesty and I just love that. It's not something I have ever written about and I don't know why. I probably just blocked it out with booze. It was the phone call to the nurse. (Backspace)
You think you are going to have a new life. You mentally and physically prepare, wow this is really going to happen - but before you even get past processing that daunting, LIFE changing thought the creator sends a message, you’re still getting your head around the idea and bang miscarriage.
How do you type out of this subject. Help. Can I request a feature in BB. I will contact them soon.
I think I use humour as a release valve. Some of the best laughing session have been with my psychiatrist. One day he said to me 'never give up show business. Mask day face to face. 😊 ’ (I'm not in show business) Talking about theatre. I'm what is known as "a loose canon". Now, I'm putting myself down. I have a friend who was teaching me grammar. Don't you love that word. She has this son with autism, I tried to get him on the drums. Electronic drums are amazing. For a child to hit them and hear a dog laughing, a train whistle blowing; an electric guitar full distortion let rip with a power-chord slide - or just an array, o seven drumpads that play like a cool sounding, saturate in reverb jazzy xylophone, cranked though an extremely loud amplifier, where the guy operating loves it loud and proud. A child only hits one drum, instantly smile . . . every time I have tried it. It's a nice thing and I love teaching them. Ukulele is a very cool unit. There is a direct connection to the finger board of a guitar, few know this fact. The chords on a guitar mirror the ukelele directly, it's a two for one deal to learn. Actually its a 3, 4 to 5 level instrument when you understand note registers. If you learn the guitar you learn the bass. I would encourage to learn a musical instrument. There is logic behind music. Shown!

[Infinite_Faith]

You wouldn't learn much from ol' grammar. Who?

Something about grammar. The oddest thing, it was for me. There is a lot of mnemonics, I won't go through them, but they are helpful.

So with those comes counting. Seven parts of English grammar, some argue nine I have read other books state seven. This is grammar, a pool of mud. Jump in.

Five senses. Interesting number because when I count there should be more?

Four of them are all in the driving force of our being, numeral uno, your head and only one for the body. Who made these up someone insane. I should google the goof ball. 🙂 The story why, I have no idea. My post my spin. AKA Dr Spin. (A made up doctor) (Politics) .

My point is there is no mind and body connection. Weird.

I could add a couple to the list. I'm sure we all could and the grammar would fly thick, for those that love counting how many verbs are in a sentence. You know you are out there. I don't 🙂

As you can clearly see, I'm just casually writing. No mission statement or questionnaire guiding me. (That's clear)

Should not love be included in the list? The five senses are so robotic, reads like big tech giant invented it, they probably did. Sadness, taste, love, sight, anger, sound, colour, smell, pain and touch.

Ten.

I'm sure other have written about his. I have proven there is very little on planet earth that has not already been explored. I have to look up why now.

I wasn't disappointed, back to counting. '21, 18 to 5 and more.' Wow glad I opened that can of worms. Seems others agree with me. No surprise. Great to know I some marbles left.

The head and mind are hammered with the lot. The rest of the body, to so much. Again, subjective comment others might do yoga. Which I have done myself. Meditation. I have left all these tools behind. Ummm?
Typing is like therapy. We will leave Sigmund out of this equation.
I copy of my great uncles book the other day. Holding it in my hand, flicking through the pages.
After many decades of not even knowing he was on earth. (And yes, I have gone through some anger, joy, more anger as to why I didn't know about him) I understand that sounds harsh and angry. How did I stray of the path of disappointment on that lessons in life?
Holding the book, reading about the celebrities, a picture of him shaking hands with
Muhammad All sitting across from him at some dinner party.
I hope you found something interesting.
Have a great day.

IF

[Infinite_Faith]

Reading back your own posts. 😞

Please never think I was minimising the trauma of losing a child. Not sure I made myself clear. I don't have children because we've lost six. God that's a lot when I type it. Not sure I would have passed the parenting test anyway. I've held the hand of the person going through it in real time. I've seen it with my own eyes. Dealing with it over the phone with a nurse, you would think they would send an ambulance. It's horrific.

Dogs laughing? I had two best mates, never heard them laugh.

The amount of words I leaving out in my sentences. (dyslexia or simply slow down)

Who cares. In a month these posts will be buried.

I had a Blue Heeler and a Dalmatian. Blue Heelers are just amazing animals.

I loved those two animals. Is it wrong to say you love animals more than people? Is there a therapist who can jump on that please.

There is a name for people who feel a deep connection toward animals. It has been bugging me because I can't find it. A two word phrase that I heard on the TV show The Chaser. (I'll survive never knowing)

I've owned a lot of animals and I've seen their demise in very unpleasant ways. Can't write about it. This is not the place.

The end.

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

I get the loving animals more than people thing. Animals have a natural way about them. Me, I'm a cat person. No black cat, by the way 🙂 I'd say I'm supernatural in a different way, which I'll elaborate on a little further down.

I love exploring life and how we tick on a mind/body/spirit level (psychologically, biologically and naturally). I see you as a natural, which explains the 'magician' revelation as a common thought. Naturals naturally resonate on a variety of levels. It's natural for music and song to work in magical ways with people, to calm them, excite them and bring out the creator, the passionate soul who feels the life within them through music and song. When you raise 'feelings' in people, life takes on new meaning, which leads me to the senses...

One of the greatest senses of all tends to go largely unchecked, 'feeling'. Such a powerful sense, a natural sense that we're typically conditioned to suppress. As I may have mentioned, little kids tend to feel their way through life, until they're conditioned to stop doing it so much. Feeling the need to question is often met with 'Don't question me, just do as you're told!' Adults can be so rude and thoughtless. They can feel the overwhelming need for excitement, until they're told 'Stop asking to do things all the time!' They can feel the need to be heard, express them self, until they're told 'You need to just toughen up and get on with things'. In other words, become more insensitive (rather than remaining sensitive to the need for reason). Yes, we're conditioned to be unreasonable, to a degree. We little apprentices learn from the masters. So much conditioning and then, one day, it occurs 'I just don't feel a connection to anything'. Wonder why. I say 'Go for it', feel it and convey it, within reason: I feel anger. I feel sadness. I feel the need for difference or excitement. I feel this deep need to question. I feel what it is to be lost. I feel free. I feel unheard. I feel because it's incredibly natural to feel, you could even say super natural. There you go, we're supernatural, in a non scary way 🙂 'Feeling' is our compass, directing us in many ways. How could we not love feeling supernatural. To be sensitive enough to feel words, music, lights, colour, the vibe of animals, the pain of challenge, the connection to people and so much more is just a handful of the many reasons as to why we're here. We are here to feel life, not solely think our way through it.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

I love your idea about being supernatural. 🙂

That is a mind blowing concept.

I was meaning to explore this and what you wrote. It has depth and I think its dynamic thought.

Conditioned to conform as children, switches it all off as you clearly say.

I love the idea of being supernatural in a none spooky way. 🙂 haha 🙂

If we are supernatural we should communicate so? Can we? Maybe we have just switched it off? Tuned out by stupidity.

Again the concept is well thought out the way you describe it, I do love it and have been thinking about it.

This is the free thought thread for those that need it. 🙂

With love.

IF

[therising]

Hi Infinite Faith

It's interesting to consider what is natural. When considering what's natural, a lot begins to make sense. People begin to make more sense. I'll give you an interesting scenario involving Mark 'Chopper' Read, when it comes to what's natural.

I can remember watching him in an interview with him talking about how hard it was as a small child being led to kill small animals during hunting expeditions with his father. Eventually, his father conditioned him to kill without a second thought. He was sexually abused as a child. His mother was a very Christian woman and his father a harsh disciplinarian. The perfect storm in the making of the man who came to be known as 'Chopper'. In summary, kill without a second thought, no one will save me or care about me. There is no god (for what god lets a small child suffer through terrible abuse). The conclusion, 'I take care care of myself, no matter what and screw everyone else'. So, you could say he naturally turned out this way. What naturally reformed him to some degree? His kids. Through them, he came to see life in a different way, a way he was never taught to see it. He absolutely loved his kids. Through them, he found the kid in himself.

Puts a whole different spin on what's natural, hey. People naturally behave the way they do, under the circumstances which shape them. I suppose it's that nature vs nurture thing. It was still in Read's nature not to harm a non criminal or as he put it 'Someone who didn't deserve it'. An interesting guy indeed.

I've found that judging less and wondering more allows for greater clarity when it comes to naturally understanding people. I've also found, as I may have mentioned, wonder is also a natural self esteem booster. Let's take the Australian Education system, for example. As I've said to my kids before, in one way or another 'I want to lead you to wonder about a system that is set up for stress, an overload of work, a lack of overall inspiration and a tendency to waste your time with certain subjects you will never use in life?' Even some of the teachers agree the system needs a massive overhaul.Through wondering, my kids have come to realise a lot of the faults belong to the system and not them. They're doing their best in a crazy outdated system. We've come to manage it strategically.

Through wondering about others, you can discover your natural self, 'Wonder why that person is so thoughtless. My god, I can spot it because I am actually thoughtful'.

🙂

[Infinite_Faith]

Apologies, I’m struggling with a little anxiety.

Something I wrote, inner conflict. That’s when I hit me. The number two.
The drum pad that was faulty, I purchased a brand new unit arrived yesterday.

I had to know if the guy sold me his junk or if I had found what’s know as a firmware bug. I highly suspected something was up. It was the way I couldn’t figure out any discernible pattern to the fault. I had to know and I found out.

What this means is bad news for this Chinese company and they know I know. It’s ironic that I should be the one to find this complete flaw in their product that makes it look like a toy. The mistake they made is so bad it defies logic.

There is a combination of drums when played together in a particular pattern, they don’t sound. One cancels the other out. You can’t have a piano not play all the notes, same with a drum kit. You can’t have two drum pads clash and not make a sound. Major problem Huston.

They know I found this major fault and are worried. They did something China never does, sent me copies of the circuit I had requested over a week ago. China never lets out circuit diagrams ever. I have them worried and they should be. This is big money. If post on youtube this problem, it will financially hit them. Ironic considering the OZ vs China relationship.

I email the company I purchased the new kit from and mentioned the fault, he was like what?

(He understood the problem)

The conflict in my mind is that I can’t reconcile how such a blunder can be made. Today they emailed me and admitted it can’t be fixed said it was a firmware structural problem.

This company is worried. That’s why the send me the circuit. Huge money involved and big brand names. If I post a youtube video, I could seriously hurt them financially . Hmmm! Compensation? I wonder 🙂 (Typing helps)

Some battles are not worth fighting. You have to ask yourself, if I win what will I really win? Sometimes you can win and find that first prize was nothing and leaves you feeling hollow.

We’ll be right back after this short break folks.

“Pass the popcorn darling”
“Sure, oh there’s none left”
“Be a darling and do get me more. . . kisses”

I: (Voice over. )

Short on popcorn, try our new InstanPop. Guaranteed not to burn your house down. Well that is, no one we know of has yet. haha haha.

Producer: “Who hired this guy, he’s terrible”

II: Cue the Music theme, roll on 3 2 1

“InstanPop!”