Comparing myself to my partner and unable to give myself grace

[Penguin]

Hello, this is my first time posting. I have had a really tough 7 months since I was bullied then terminated during my probation period at a workplace as a youth worker. I lost a job, professional identity, and good stable full time pay. I also I lost the sense of confidence and belief that I truly earned professional opportunities, as the current job market meant the same resume doesn't get me interviews for the same type of jobs anymore. I see a therapist, have supportive friends, and a loving partner. But my relationship with my parents are very strained. Summary of what happened: I had a friend who used to work at that organisation. They were the subject of rumours and investigations regarding their conduct that I had no idea of prior to starting that job. In one month, I started getting messages from that friend who moved overseas and told me their friends dobbed me in, alleging I reported her to my manager. Friends as in my then coworkers who gave me silent treatments and ignored me when we ran events together, making me feel isolated, as they obviously got along just fine with 2 other new people that onboarded the same time as me. At the same time my parents were visiting, and we had a domestic dispute resulting in the police giving a home visit, and I for the first time realised I grew up with domestic violence, and as they were staying at mine, I went to stay at my partner's and friend's feeling like I was fleeing. In that one month alone, I drove 50 mins to and from work (5 days in the office), trying to learn the ropes of the job, dealing with toxic work colleagues and fake nice managers that only truly showed their colours as they asked me to trust management to deal with this. In the end twisting teething issues and honest feedback as me having "ill intent" on the rest of the team and fired me on "gossiping". All because my former friend's father went and threatened to sue the workplace and they pinned it on me. I have no way of getting unfair dismisssl due to having only been there for 4 weeks. It was orchestrated and scapegoating. Since then I went through a manic episode and have been depressive. I got a reception casual job at a leisure centre and I cop the occassinoal abuse. Not only do I feel zero fulfilment and shame, I cannot love my partner the way I want to, because he got a new job after being made redundant, and is being paid a lot more than me. No matter how suppotive he is, I feel so inferior.

[therising]

Hi Penguin

That's an absolutely horrible lot of situations you've found yourself in. It can definitely feel soul destroying, as well as mentally destroying, when there a number of people leading someone to doubt themself and feel some sense of shame. Leading that person to ongoing stress just adds to what can become incredibly depressing under such extreme circumstances. My heart truly goes out to you.

I'm glad to hear you have some great supporters in your life. Supporters can make great guides, brilliant guides when they can help create a much clearer vision of the way forward, shedding light on the path ahead. While we can have decades ahead of us still to travel, everyone will be at different points on their path. With your partner (one of your supporters), he's at a point where he's earning more but you may reach a point where you're earning more at some stage, for one reason or another. If that happens, you may even find yourself saying to him 'Don't sweat it, it's my shout out to dinner and a movie on this occasion'. You'd know how he'd be feeling, based on your own experience, with having less income. You'd have empathy. Empathy tends to come from experience. I imagine you wouldn't think less of him, you'd feel for him.

I wish you had walked into a workplace that was filled with amazing, compassionate and thoughtful people. Such a place has a definite vibe to it. In such a place, when there's only one outstanding difficult, depressing, stressful horrible person, they really do stand out from the rest. Walking into a place that's filled with those kinds of people makes us the outstanding one, with us sometimes being left to think 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I fit in?'. Btw, one of my pet hates is self entitled people. You know, the kind of people who feel entitled to do and say whatever they want, not matter the cost to others. Even when you pull them up on their behaviour, they still don't take responsibility. They can feel entitled to not have to take it. It can be more so 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. Self entitled people tend to be insensitive.

While it's truly horrible personal experience (what you've been experiencing), as a youth worker it becomes relatable experience. You've come to understand how abuse feels, how degradation feels, how bullying feels, how shame and fear feels etc etc. Young people need those who can relate to how all that feels. What they don't need is a youth worker who has a similar nature to those who you found yourself working with.

[Tibel]

I think therising has addressed things pretty well. Just to add something: people can be jerks and there's not much you can do about it. Though it might be difficult, I would recommend not taking anything personally and trying to care less about what other people think. Hurt people hurt people, and when you know your enemy well enough you will pity them.