College / University - Depression and Anxiety

[EspressoAndDepresso]

Hi there.

A little about me: I'm 20 years old and in my last year of my university degree which I now no longer know if I want to do. I am a residential staff member meaning I am an RA for a floor in the dorms on campus of roughly 20 people - their support network.

I have seen a few counsellors / psychologists in my time and have had depression since I was 12 years old - diagnosed officially at 15.

This year I have suffered so many depressive relapses and seen my uni counsellor every second week, however I still get panic attacks and constantly have the trembles of anxiety when I am alone in my room at night. My depression keeps me awake, keeps me from waking up when I do sleep, and forces me home from any non-compulsory classes.

I am also new to boys - my mental state was too shaky to engage in anything remotely intimate throughout the stages when you're supposed to so now I am left behind and am too nervous to do anything which caused me to lose the guy of my dreams recently.

I don't really enjoy any activities, I don't feel good enough for anyone to be friends with me, I do not feel worthy of my RA role, and I feel that I annoy everyone around me. It is getting very difficult, even with tools from the counsellors, to keep going and talking myself through every depressive phase that it is just that - a phase - and it will end. End.. just for another phase to come.

I am on medication and it works but i guess not enough to stop me from thinking about a way out yknow. However, I do not believe in suicide as such as it would do far too much harm to my family and I do not wish that pain on them as I have seen them through their parents dying etc.

It just sucks because I want to die but I can't and I don't really want to die but I already feel dead.

Suggestions?

[PamelaR]

Hi EspressoAndDepresso and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Thank you for sharing your story. Anxiety and depression are so debilitating at times aren't they? However, they are manageable and one can have a fulfilling life.

20 is young. I’m in my 60s and have lived with PTSD, anxiety and depression since I was 12 too. However, I was only diagnosed about 8 years ago. You’re not alone with how you feel. It is very valid. Though life does get better and you will start to enjoy it. It doesn’t help you right now, though does it?
It took years of searching - what was it that I wanted out of life, what were my interests? For a long time, it didn’t feel like living, but as people came into my life during my 20s, I began to start to see how things could be good.

For me anxiety is the spark that sends me into a spiral of depression. Anxiety for me comes from many sources -

• low self esteem
• low self worth

• low confidence

I have done some extensive work over the past number of years to improve my sense of self. It was worked significantly and has made a huge difference to my life.

One of the things I found while studying was - my anxiety levels went through the roof. They were higher then than at any other time in my life. I was in a heightened sense of alertness all the time. You know what my doctor told me to do at that time - take a run. Run off the excess adrenaline. Hmmm. That was not helpful. What did help at that time -

• talking to close trusted friend about my stress levels
• seeing a psychologist who helped me identify some of the causes for my sense of self - addressing these.

Life improved tremendously over time, with understanding of what was happening to my body, why it was happening, and learning new ways of thinking.

Keep reaching out EspressoAndDepresso if and when you want to. No pressure. You’re not alone.
Kind regards
PamelaR

[Oceangirl5]

Hi EspressoAndDepresso,

I just want to say thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I am 21 and in a similar situation in my last years of uni and unsure about what I want. I’ve had depression, anxiety and an eating disorder on and off for years and I understand where you are coming from.

I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone and that what keeps me going is the saying “you’ve survived 100% of your worse days, no reason you can’t survive them all”.

I have a rare health condition too that jerks me around and I find myself wanting to find a passion I can rely on, that makes me feel free and uncaring, just living in the moment.

Have you found anything like that? It can be any hobby or anything? I love hearing people talk about their passions, let me know if you do. Mine is swimming and being in the water (once my shoulder heals from surgery).

I hope you find a way, we can keep getting through uni life together xx

thanks again

[EspressoAndDepresso]

PamelaR and Oceangirl5,

Thank you for your responses and encouraging words. Yes, i sometimes forget just how debilitating depression is and that it is an actual illness. People have just been on me lately asking what I'm doing when i graduate my degree this year and I have no actual idea. I guess I just feel I have let down my family who are also paying for my fees as I have made them fork out money for something that I'm now not sure I want to do for my life. I just currently feel gross and know it will get better but right now depression has got me bad and I struggle to do anything. Currently, I am struggling to hand in a form that will allow me extensions and help on uni work when I need it due to the fact I have depression and anxiety, and I cannot even hand in a form that will give me ease. Maybe I am afraid that if I get help for things, I won't be as stressed and won't have anything pushing me forward. I think I really just need someone to come into my life like a best friend or partner. Honestly I just want someone dedicated to being with me. Very lonely. Very stressed. And really want to skip this phase of life.