Climbing out of my skin

[Guest_3712]

Hi All,

It's been a beautiful day in the sun and for a while there I felt normal. Until I remembered I'm  not. I am a drug abuser and suffer from depression. It is almost 4 years ago since so my first hospitalisation and yet it seems like yesterday. The same fear,  shame , anxiety and the overwhelming sadness I felt at having been reduced to that state washes over me still when I am feeling particularly low. How did it happen I ask myself over and over.

Now after years of therapy and four more admissions I still have these feelings. I still feel bad!. One good thing in hospital was the shared feelings and camaraderie you tend to develop with fellow sufferers after a few months.

I joined BB to help fill that gap and the support has been good but part of me says I don't want to be in this 'club ' anymore. Is it just me ? I don't want to have my GP and Psych on speed dial. I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on meds that make me fat and stupid. And I really don't want that tag hanging around my neck forever of 'someone that needs to watched '( "you know because of what  she did")  I have been waiting to see my psych for a month due to Christmas etc and I am climbing out of my skin.

It's never over. No matter how much better you become or how you seemingly get back to normal. You are not allowed to forget, ever! It's great that people from BB are going on TV, I'm all for it  and if it helps make the subject less taboo then that's wonderful. But the reality for those of us  living with depression is that we face discrimination, lack of understanding. and rejection on a daily basis and more often than not it's not from strangers but people we know and love.

I want my family and friends to "get it", but the problem is I agree with most of the misconceptions out there. I loathe myself for what I've become and the friends and money I've lost. I can't give them back this time. I can't make it better. So all I can do is to try to make myself less loathsome  and carry on. This is where the meds help. But then................................ Yep I hate myself all over again for being so weak.

Feeling  really shattered at the moment and despising myself for not doing what I know I need to do

Stressles

[Neil_1]

Hey Stressless

“Depression waltz”, the first I’ve ever heard of that, but oh wow, what a fantastic term.

You’re not letting anyone down … you’ve suffered for so long and still are … what you went through was unimaginable and it’s no wonder your nerves are all over the place.  Please try not to beat yourself up with “I should be better by now” … cause who can say when it’s “time” that things level out and we are back living without any grief, anxiety, stress, etc … it’s just a case of having to work through this, as you say, doing the Depression Waltz.

Kind regards

Neil