Today is not a good day

[Girl_Anachronism]

The past two days have been ok. I have alternated between a sober mood and a manic ones. I literally could not sit down two evenings ago. My mind would not stop racing. Thoughts chasing thoughts, around around my head. Yesterday afternoon, I couldn't stop laughing. Half the things weren't even funny. Last night there was some little comment or other- something incredibly petty and I was just suddenly so angry at my husband. It made no sense.

This morning I am torn between wanting to punch walls and cry in a corner.

If only I could control this. I don't necessarily want to jump off my rollercoaster ride but riight now I want to bash my hands against the safety railing. There's got to be something better than this awful state. There's got to be a way out.

I am not winning against the monsters in my head today. One of them has me swallowed whole and I don't know when he's going to spit me out.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Guess who?   🙂

You've really described some major ups and downs from the last couple of days.  We can't really guess why this has happened over the weekend, but it just has.  It's so damn annoying that we don't have answers for why and when we'll have these awful feelings or more so, probably why we seemingly have them for 98% of the time.

I know very little about Bipolar, but just what you described in your first para, does sound a little like bipolar symptoms, where you're incredibly low and down and then later you are wildly happy and laughing.

Hey, and you don't have to tell us what made you laugh, but is there any chance of trying to recreate the situation where you were laughing??  It was probably reading one of my posts!  (cheeky grin)

It's these crap feelings that we have to deal with and we don't know or understand why.

I've got something happening with me, that I can't write about because we're not allowed to give details out about self-harming.  It's nothing major, but it's something that I've been doing to myself for years and it always happens when I'm low and stressed and yeah, I won't go on much more, cause this is your thread, and I'm sorry i bought it up now.

Cheers GA, kind regards and I want you to know that you're in my thoughts

Neil

[Jo3]

Hey GA

Sometimes I find it difficult to know what to say.  And if i write something it doesn't sound right to me, so i don't reply at all.

But I just want to say that you have been so supportive to me and I thank you so much for being here for me.

I'm sorry to read that you're not having a good day today.  I understand what you mean by one minute you're fine and the next you want to punch the walls.  I totally understand.

I'm thinking of you and hope you have a good night sleep tonight.  

Your friend

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

That's just the kicker- there is no great pressure, event r even minor tirgger that sets it off. If I could find some trigger, something to avoid I would. How do avoid something you can't see?

I just feel like I get pushed around by my own emotions until I am just a curled up ball on the floor, crying while they kick me between them. I know I am meant to fight, meant to stay here. Keep all legs and arms inside the ride at all times right?

THe ride doesn't feel worth it right now. If there was some way I could just make this Hell stop that didn't hurt everyone. If I could just fade away to nonexistence and they could forget I ever existed. Thats what I want right now.

I know I am meant to be strong. I know what I am meant to do but if I had that way to fade away right now, I would.

I can't even sleep and pretend I don't exist.

I was laughing at some tangent we had manage to talk oour way into, my husband and I. We have however exhausted that topic. If I try to laugh right now all I'm going to do cry harder. I want to be alone right now. I don't know whether that's my introvert or my depression talking. I want to be away from everybody, particulalrly my husband.

But you can't run away from yourself.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

Even if you don't know what to say, just bieng there is sometimes enough.

Roller coaster seems to have turned up a bit now. I just buried myself in blankets and then my online course when I my mood was a little higher. Still not great right now, but back at the level of my original post as opposed to my second one.

It seems like these days I just live from appointment to appointment. Living for Wednesday afternoon at the moment, possibly sooner if my referral for the clinical psych goes through.

Neil- I think Iam too early in the process, (aside from major depression with symptoms of anxiety and self harm courtesy of my GP)  for a diagnosis from anyone else for an overarching condition of any sort.  It would be nice to know what's wrong with me, even if it's just a label for something that I already know.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Is your day today going a little better??   How do you avoid something you can’t see?  That is such a powerful question … oh and watch out for my PS:  below, as I have a little something that hopefully might cheer you up in regard to that question.

But yeah, if you knew the trigger for things like this, you’d avoid them!  But what triggers them?  That’s probably what psyches are for.

I think that rollercoasters are crap things anyway, and to be honest, I’ve never enjoyed them.  The only one I’ve ever gone on was at MovieWorld near the Gold Coast and it was in the kiddies section – the Road Runner Rollercoaster and that was enough to scare the bejesus out of me.  So I say, you need to get off this ride.  Yes Neil, that’s all well and good to say that … but I’ve paid for an endless amount of rides and the manager says I need to stay on.  Sorry, slight digression there.

I read on another post where someone said that they feel like they’re in hell … but they just know that they’ve gotta keep walking, keep going forward as slow and as hard as that feels, but they’ve gotta keep doing that, otherwise they’ll stop and they’ll have hell all around them.  I thought that was good … GA this is again so easy to say, but just little steps.  Little goals to achieve.  Possibly go out for a walk … do you have a garden?  Any chance of a bit of a potter around the garden, or just sit somewhere quiet for a while … and to see what birds come by and watch them.  Watching birds can be soothing or even interesting, depending on the variety is.

Having troubled sleep never helps at all … most times you wake up feeling exhausted … which is never a good way to try and cope with a day when you’ve got demons trying to occupy your mind.  You need a refreshed and rested mind in order to battle them.

If you’re able to cry, then do it … even some place quiet and alone and just go for it.  Drain that bunch of tears and evils out of your body.

I hope to hear from soon GA

Cheers

Neil

Ps:  two (night-time) bats are talking to each other just as the sun has set and the night rolls in.  One has a bloody nose and the other one says, “What happened to you?”   The bloody nosed one says “You see that tree over there?” The other one says “Yeah”.   The bloody nosed bat says “Well I didn’t!”

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I have never been a fan of fairgrounds in general. Too many people in too little space with too much noise and nowhere to hide. There is only one way I know of this ride. I don't want to take it, but I'm getting real sick of these up and downs.

As for distractions, it will have to be inside the house because I don't have a garden (just a very small strip of sand and weeds which does nothing but house our washing line). A walk wasn't an option yesterday given 40+ degrees. Today we do need a few things from the shops so if I scrape together some coins for them I'll go.

This week alone we are three hundred in debt for bills this week and don't get paid for two weeks from centrelink. So no pool, no extra petrol for beach or visiting friends. Just me, my house and whatever I can do to not do something violent. The petrol used to go to the psych is a luxury I will afford as long as I can.

GA

[Dennis38]

Hey GA

I know how that feels when it comes to not knowning where the hell the triggers are hiding as some days I am up and down like a yo-yo with out any warning and that is one hell of a ride, now as for being stuck in the house because of the heat I know that feeling and when I am stuck in the house I have a very cheap way of getting some of the anger out, takes a roll of duct tape and a pillow. Simply duct tape the pillow to the wall, about chest high, take one full step back from the pillow, put your fist in the middle of the pillow so that you arm is at full exention and then swing for the fences. Its good exercise, you wont bust a knuckle or the wall doing this and you can tire yourself out, or what I do is I start swinging and let the mind go where it wants while the body continues to punch the wall, over and over again. I have yet to put a hole in the wall or bust a knuckle so the trick works on those days that I am in a foul mood or just need to get some extra energy out.

[Girl_Anachronism]

I was still down this morning. Better this afternoon to the point of weirdass conversations and uncontrollable laughter. Maybe this week is going to be good after all...

..then panic attack and BAM. I was a swirling storm of rage and pain.

Wednesday can't come soon enough.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

And the bad thing at the moment, I think for a lot of Australia is that we’re going to experience some searing temperatures, which makes outdoorsy stuff nigh on impossible to do.

I do like Dennis’s suggestion though … and if you’re feeling particularly strong or angry, perhaps ‘double pillow’ it … I’m just sayin’ !  🙂

You know I don’t understand fair grounds etc either … and all those rides … for me, if I go on one of those, I come off feeling like I’ve got a hangover of immense proportions! 

I know I haven’t said anything useful here GA … but just wanted basically to say “hi” and that I hope you’re doin’ “ok”.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  well, ChooseDay is almost half done and bring on Hump Day.  🙂