Climbing out of my skin

[Guest_3712]

Hi All,

It's been a beautiful day in the sun and for a while there I felt normal. Until I remembered I'm  not. I am a drug abuser and suffer from depression. It is almost 4 years ago since so my first hospitalisation and yet it seems like yesterday. The same fear,  shame , anxiety and the overwhelming sadness I felt at having been reduced to that state washes over me still when I am feeling particularly low. How did it happen I ask myself over and over.

Now after years of therapy and four more admissions I still have these feelings. I still feel bad!. One good thing in hospital was the shared feelings and camaraderie you tend to develop with fellow sufferers after a few months.

I joined BB to help fill that gap and the support has been good but part of me says I don't want to be in this 'club ' anymore. Is it just me ? I don't want to have my GP and Psych on speed dial. I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on meds that make me fat and stupid. And I really don't want that tag hanging around my neck forever of 'someone that needs to watched '( "you know because of what  she did")  I have been waiting to see my psych for a month due to Christmas etc and I am climbing out of my skin.

It's never over. No matter how much better you become or how you seemingly get back to normal. You are not allowed to forget, ever! It's great that people from BB are going on TV, I'm all for it  and if it helps make the subject less taboo then that's wonderful. But the reality for those of us  living with depression is that we face discrimination, lack of understanding. and rejection on a daily basis and more often than not it's not from strangers but people we know and love.

I want my family and friends to "get it", but the problem is I agree with most of the misconceptions out there. I loathe myself for what I've become and the friends and money I've lost. I can't give them back this time. I can't make it better. So all I can do is to try to make myself less loathsome  and carry on. This is where the meds help. But then................................ Yep I hate myself all over again for being so weak.

Feeling  really shattered at the moment and despising myself for not doing what I know I need to do

Stressles

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Stressles

Wow – lots to take in there!  Not sure how useful I’ll be to you, but here goes!

I’m with you – if I could somehow wave a wand and take away my bi-polar/depression symptoms and be ‘normal’ I’d do it in an instant.  Unfortunately, in 2014 (well, January at least!) this isn’t an option for us.  I’ve been fascinated to hear some people suffering from our disease like Stephen Fry say things like he wouldn’t get rid of the disease, even if he could.  I guess some people suffer far more than others & some people are able to manage their symptoms better than others (imagine much of this is dumb luck!)

Unfortunately you and I are stuck with our disease and we need to do certain things to keep going.  It’s unfair, but we need to do it – it’s the best option we have now.

It sounds like you and those around you have been through heaps.  I spent a short time in hospital due to depression and I can put hand on heart and say I came out feeling better than when I went in. 

Like you, at times I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and get damn sick of the lows – feeling like crap for no discernable reason.  One thing that I always try to think about when I get like this is that IT IS NOT MY FAULT – it’s just that my body doesn’t produce the right chemicals in my head at the right time – same for you too.  We just need to balance up these chemicals – same as a diabetic taking insulin!

Depression is a horrible disease which doesn’t quit kicking you when you’re down – we can’t give it any chance to take the advantage in our lives

Don’t get your last sentence where you mention you’re not doing what you need to do – are you skipping your meds?

Hope to hear back from you soon

Scott

[geoff]

dear Stressless, life is always a challenge, and when we are faced with depression it becomes a greater challenge, so we turn to an option that we feel reduces this pain, and whether it's alcohol, prescription drugs or illicit drugs, it doesn't matter they are all the same, because they take control of our life, but that's our choice because it relieves the torment that depression inflicts upon us.

I used alcohol and yes it destroyed my marriage and my depression was the main cause of this, I can't turn back the clock, it's too late, but what I can do is try and rebuild any relationship that I destroyed, and now the table has turned, my two sons and even my ex ring me to have a talk about something that concerns them.

The same can eventually apply for you, because you have done the hard yards, and if you want to call yourself weak then I am too, because I let the grog control my life, but as we age we have learnt a great deal, our weak points and our strong points, and it's the latter that we have to concentrate on.

I could sit here and add up all the money I wasted on alcohol, but I don't want to go down that track, what's the point, the same applies to someone who smokes, but why would they want to do this, because it really means nothing, it's all too late.

With some help then this will be history ' despising myself for not doing what I know I need to do'. Geoff.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Scott,

Sorry took so long to reply but I was looking for my post in a different section.

Thanks for your thoughts it's obvious that you've been through it all too. But that's the problem isn't it? Unless you've been there you can't get it. Sure people are sympathetic and try to understand but this condition is just impossible to explain.

When I said I despise myself for not doing what I know I should be, what I meant was I have done all the treatments, courses, therapy and I know I should be picking myself up and carrying on but it is sooooo hard and I am so tired of trying and getting no-where

Re meds I really want to stop as I feel they are now part of my problem and not part of the solution, but again I am scared if I will cope. I have bee on some sort of medication for nearly nine years- I don't know the real me any more or if she even exists .Write back if you can

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi Geoff,

Sorry took so long to reply but I was looking in wrong place for my post.

I appreciate your comments and I know you get it having been down the same road. At the moment I am just really struggling to find the strength to carry on.

It's like I am on this treadmill and As hard as I try I just don't go anywhere. I know I sound like I'm whining but I am scared I am just going to lose it and give up.

I feel like I'm teetering on the brink. The last time this happened I had a complete breakdown and ended up in hospital- don't want to go down that path again!

SO, my friend just rang and asked me out for coffee so I will go and try and divert my thoughts.

I have rung my psych and can see him Thursday

Deep breaths

Stressless

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Stressless

I was really happy you replied – know it’s not easy to do when you’re ‘kicking against the breeze’!

I know it’s really hard sometimes but you sound like you have a number of things to be proud of – you’ve at least noticed you are having issues (not all of us are great at noticing when we’re in a bad place) and sounds like you got yourself out for a coffee with a friend – that’s awesome!

I remember a conversation I had with my psychiatrist – I was basically sick of the cycle – I tend to crash mood wise in the winter months.  When I was saying I was sick of this he basically said that just because I’d been going through this cycle a number of years was no guarantee that it would happen again in the future.  Might be hard to believe at times, but the cycle CAN be broken

Glad you’re still taking meds at the moment.  Keep in mind that you may not make the best decisions at the moment, as you’ve got a bit going on.  I know what you mean about them feeling like they’re becoming the problem.  I was on a much higher dose than I’m currently on & felt worse – basically really out of it – on the higher dosage.  Make sure you get your psychiatrist/psychologist involved in the decision making process for reductions in meds. 

Saw you’ve got an appointment on Thursday – well done.  Can I suggest over the next 24/48 hours you scribble down a few notes to give your psych a really quick summary of your situation?  That way they can spend more time in your appointment on how best to help

Hope some of this is helpful to you – hang in there – you’re doing well in such a difficult situation!

Warm regards

Scott

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless

Oh, I am so sorry for not finding this thread earlier … and here you have been responding to me and others in your caring, supportive and advice giving way and all the while, you’re absolutely in dire straits yourself.  Hmmm, actually sounds very familiar, I think.

It’s now Tuesday in my part of the world and that means it’s roughly two sleeps till that appointment that you’ve been able to set up.  That’s brilliant and let’s see how we can occupy your time till then.

How was the coffee with your friend?  Is that friend who you’re able to share some of how you’re going with?  You know I have a mate, who works in the same building as me, different floor, but he knows a fair deal about me and my history and he’s an absolute champion.  I think he’s kind of a clone of Geoff … he’d drop everything he was doing if I was in trouble or if I asked for help … and times when I do email him about things, he always asks “do you wanna go outside for a walk” … and then we’d walk and he’d listen and occasionally give a comment.  But most times, I just email him and give him a quick rundown of how I’m going and what my immediate concern is.

Anyway, sorry I diverted again …

Stressless, there’s no way that you’re weak.  Absolutely not … you only have to look back to what you’ve been trying to do to help  combat what you’ve been going through all this time;  if someone was weak, they’d most likely have either given up or not done nearly as much as what you’ve done.  And you continue to fight, you continue to take steps forward … you joined Beyond Blue, you post with things that are stressing the hell out of you, which is a huge thing to do … but on top of that, and “while” you’re in an awful crap and dark place you have the amazing internal strength and willpower to reply to others who are seeking help.

So many of us on this site are doing it tough, doing it extraordinarily hard and I think that’s why there’s so much compassion and friendship out there for each of us … because we know we’re all battling (and some of us may have even won their battle), we’re all in the same boat … or if not, in the same part of the ocean and we know how incredibly difficult this all is.  I think for the most part we also know that we can’t produce that piece of magic that will help the other person with what they’re facing but we do keep trying … because we genuinely want to throw all we’ve got towards the other person … because we know that if they’re doing it as tough as what “I” (that’s the global “I” and not me) am, then I really want to help that person and maybe in some small way, I might be able to say something that will help them.  Some piece of advice that they might not have had before or thought of, or even a shared bond by saying that they suffer from the same thing and it’s ok because you’re not on your own … or even something to possibly bring a smile to their face.

Um, Stressless, yet again Neil has rambled … but that last para, I hope some if made sense and that you know that everyone here is for everyone … although you no doubt knew that already.  I think I’ll just the eff up now because I don’t know what I’m saying.  It must be coffee time soon.

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hey Neil,

No need to apologise . Yes two more sleeps till I see my psych and I am getting myself so worked up. In fact I was so anxious last night I rang his rooms and left a message for him to call me- which true to form he did. I am so lucky to have him looking after me.

 The stars were definitely in alignment  when he was assigned to my case the first time I was admitted to psych hospital four years ago. He is saved my life numerous times literally, and is always available to take my call or return it later.

So what's the problem I hear you ask? The problem is I am so dependant on him I literally can't function unless I know I have session scheduled soon. This break over Christmas has been agonising as I see him on a fortnightly basis usually.

I was supposed to use this time to work on some issues we were going through but I found when ever I tried to face certain things the familiar feelings of being useless, stupid and bad overwhelmed me and I would just have to put these things back in the space in my head and avoid thinking about it.

Unfortunately for the most part this is how I "handle" things. Without going into ancient history I was forced to protect myself from a young age. I became very adept at shutting things out. If I didn't acknowledge it then it never happened and it couldn't hurt me anymore. Through my therapy I am gradually realizing this is one of the reasons I a in the mess I am in. Refusing to accept something doesn't make it go way, you just bury it deeper and like pulling a bad tooth that you ignore, eventually it has to come out and it will hurt like hell.

Don't get me wrong, my psych is very gentle and never makes me confront things we don't agree I'm ready for. In fact out of the four years it's really only been the last 6 months that I've opened up about a lot of stuff. ( of course I had to get over all the other crap first) It probably sounds stupid but I feel like seeing him on Thursday is like going to an exam I haven't studied for. I feel like I've let him down.

OMG no wonder I have issues.

 Of course he hastened to assure me this was not the case when he phoned me back last night and we didn't have to talk about anything on Thursday if I didn't want to.Of course that makes me feel worse. Why is that? Does that happen to you? When people are nice to me, I feel like I'm not worthy of their kindness. That if they knew the 'real' me they wouldn't give me the time of day- this applies to you and all the kind people who have posted me here on BB as well.

Oh well I don't know where all that came from but maybe you can relate in some small way, although I will be amazed if anyone thinks the crazy thoughts that I do.

Thanks

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi there Stressless

Crazy thoughts, weird thoughts, knowledgeable thoughts, thoughts with substance, thoughts just for the hell of it … it doesn’t matter what they are.  It doesn’t matter what we define them as … the most important thing is that we have them.  The alternative would be pretty bad, don’t you think?  (Don’t you think … sorry about the pun … think/thought … oh dear, it’s been a long day).

I love the fact that you can call your psych up and chat … what a fantastic arrangement that is … and am so pleased that you’re able to do this.  Nothing wrong at all with having to rely on your psych, especially when he’s a good one.  It’s a good thing, as the more you see him, hopefully it’ll mean the more that you’re making progress away from the demons and darkness.

Love the analogy of putting things on the back burner then becomes like a tooth, that then develops an abcess and later on, it’s still gotta come out and yep, it’ll hurt like hell.

I really hope that you have a top session with your psych and you find a little progress made. Keep on keeping on Stressless … and I keep forgetting to tell you that your ‘monikor’ or ‘name’ is just brilliant for this site.  We should all do what your name tells us.

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hi Neil,

Yes I am very lucky to have the psych that I do I know that but it doesn't stop the nerves jumping all over the place. I feel like I've let him down. I should be better by now, but it's that typical one step forward two steps back scenario or commonly known as the 'depression waltz'. Anyway I posted a frantic post on the depression forum a little while ago.

My 'moniker' was born after a freaking, crazy day when everything went wrong, my computer crashed among other things and  I found myself muttering don't stress, don't stress, ok stress a little, but stressless ! Bingo I had a new name!

Pity I don't always remember to say it aloud

cheers

Stressless