Ciao!

[Algernon]

I love this word. It means both hello and goodbye 🙂 I've realised that although I'm well liked I'm not a big priority in anyone's life. When I was younger I was run over a couple of times. The curious thing was no-one helped me. The second time was particularly bad. The car ran a red light light and just left me for dead. I was knocked out but regained consciousness and crawled back to the footpath. I realised then my life was not worth much. I'm ok with that now. I guess I rub along ok but there's a deep seated flaw in me that means I fundamentally suck. My goal now is to add some value while I'm here and I will do this!

I like the anonymity of sharing in this space. No one who reads this knows who I am and will not miss me when I'm gone. There's a comfort in this. Please don't reply with empty words. I just needed to type my dark thoughts somewhere.

If you do read this please remember I am not you. My journey is not yours. If you feel sad, feel it! If want to punch a bag, do so! Release your grief or anger knowing that it was ok to feel it in the first place! Take care gentle reader 🙂

[therising]

Hi Algernon

Permission to feel what we feel is a gift. Permission to fully sense the emotions that run through us, while freely expressing what it is we sense can be liberating. It is amazing the number of people who don't give us permission or don't allow us to feel or sense in the ways we do. 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' is a phrase that comes to mind (grrr😠). I'd much rather hear 'With the ability to sense, tell me what is it you can sense within yourself'. As a 54yo gal, it took me decades to finally begin wondering 'What the hell is wrong with people who'd much rather always sense their own comfort over someone else's pain?'. Based on my own experience with depressions over the years, I'd much rather come down into another person's depression, feel for them and with them (where they're at) and sit and with them in that place for a while, in the hope that they feel raised in some way. To leave someone alone in the depths of depression is questionable and offers no relief or rise for them.

Your words offer permission and courage to those who haven't yet given themself permission to freely express what it is they feel or sense so deeply. There will be people who feel raised by your words.

[Algernon]

Thank you for the reply Rising.

You are correct, helping another is a positive thing to do. I wrote those words to get them out of my head. I also dislike the "toughen up" line. The reality of depression is that you've often been masking big things for years. You've already done the "toughen up" thing. Take care and have a fabulous day.

[therising]

Hi Algernon

You're so right, I've never thought of it like that (doing the tough stuff for years). It's tough suppressing things, tough trying to make sense of them, tough keeping them to yourself as much as possible, tough tolerating what feels intolerable and so on. It can be tough to the point of depressing at times. You're so absolutely right.

I smile these days when I think of the line 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. While it used to really bring me down, these days I tend to respond to those who say it with 'Damn right I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense such a triggering comment'. Could be a bit sassy and add 'I could become as insensitive as you if you like' but that's a bit rude, hey 😁. I've found it's not about 'toughening up', it's more about mastering emotional detachment. From one extreme to the other, from pure feeling to pure analysis, on that sliding scale we can go from feeling what someone says all the way through to analysing or wondering about what led them to say it. We can even take our sense of wonder to next level and wonder out loud, 'I genuinely can't help but wonder why you would say such a thing'. I've discovered a sense of wonder to be a handy, liberating and self esteem boosting thing to have at times.