Chronic Illness - I feel like a burden

[Pip25]

Hi everyone,

I'm 33 years old and developed a chronic pain condition 2 years ago as a result of a surgery gone wrong. I tried my best for so long to keep life going as usual but juggling pain, medical appointments, work and my mental health all became too much. At the moment I'm not working and am being financially supported by my partner. My medical bills are really high and I don't qualify for any government support. I feel as though I'm watching all my friends meet life milestones like buying their first home, starting a family and advancing in their career. I feel like a failure and a financial drain on the people I love most. Before my surgery, my partner and I were saving for a home and were planning to start a family very soon but I'm not even able to have children due to the medication I depend on to manage my condition; I always dreamt of being a mum.

Does anyone out there understand or relate to what I'm going through and how did you get through this? I'm struggling to see a light at the other end of this dark tunnel but I'm really trying.

Thank you!

[Amanda2000]

Hi Pip,

Sorry to hear you're going through so much.

Re being financially supported by your partner - Wouldn't you do the same for him if he was the one not able to work? Instead of feeling down, maybe you could focus on the positive of having a supportive partner going through this difficult time with you.

Re dreaming of being a mum - I suppose it's about trying to accept what you can't have and then finding other things in life to give you fulfillment. I have 2 children myself who are both teenagers now. I totally enjoyed being a mum when they were young. But now that they no longer need me to look after them, our dynamics have changed and I'm struggling to bond with them as "people" rather than "babies/young children". In my case, motherhood has brought me short-term joy but long-term depression/anxiety/ocd. I cannot see the light at the other end of this dark tunnel of mine!

A thing that I do to fight against negative thoughts is to imagine "the worse". The idea is to recognise that you're not in the worst situation to make yourself feel better. For example, if you were all alone and have no financial support for your medication, that would be an even more desperate situation, wouldn't it?

If you would like to talk more, I'm listening. Take care.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Pip25,

Yes, yes, yes and yes, to all of your questions.

While my conditions weren't due to surgery, I'm struggling to remember a 'before'. I'm constantly reminded day to day that I am not where I thought I would be- or where my friends/people my age are. So, yes I can relate.

I am on financial support though from CL because I have too many bills (the $6.60 pharmaceutical supplement is laughable) but it doesn't scrape the surface and I have to look for work. I'm glad that you're not in that position and can rely on your partner, even though neither is easy.

Amanda2000 is also spot on- no doubt you would do the same for your partner. Sometimes I think that helps, because while you need help right now, your partner could easily be in the same position. and not being able to have kids in the initial way that you hoped doesn't mean that you can't be a mum.

I hope that it helps knowing that you're not alone in this. It's so hard. How have you been coping so far, what's helped you get through it?

rt

[Petal22]

Hi Pip25,

Sorry you are feeling this way, it must be so difficult to live with chronic pain……

Im sure husband loves you so much and just wants to see you well again….

Going through chronic pain takes a lot of resilience on your part, I think you are doing well with that…

Can you look at things that bring you enjoyment that you can do?

I understand that you want to be a mum………. Is there any way that a different medication can be used that wouldn’t be harmful to a pregnancy?

Thinking of you and here to chat

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Pip,

My situation is a little similar. I have 2 chronic illness. I can work, but thanks to Covid I am reduced to just 2 days a week of work.

Due to the lack of work, I feel like I am not pulling my weight financially as currently cannot contribute to the mortgage & my partner is covering a lot of my medical expenses. The guilt I feel is intolerable, & I just feel like scum, living off his kindness & finances.

However…..

i did come across a free online course in regards to chronic illness & mental health. It’s through Macquarie University. If you participate, you do need to agree to responding to a few surveys & provide feedback on the course, as they will use your feedback as part of their research.

I actually did find this course really beneficial. Hopefully it is ok to post the link here. They also have other course options & I think there is one about pain management too.

https://www.ecentreclinic.org/?q=CCCourse

I have had to find alternate ways to make myself feel worthy in my current situation. I’ve taken over all the meal planning & cooking & it really does help me feel like I am contributing. My partner previously did the cooking due to my working hours. But now with all my free time I have taken that responsibility over. And it means I get to pick lots of recipes to try that he probably wouldn’t 🤣

I’ve decided to try & use this time to work through my mental health issues & to learn how to relax & not hate myself for not working every day.

Living with a chronic illness is hard, especially when you have no respite from the pain &/or financial burden.
if you the chronic illness course is not your type of thing, are there any other online courses that might interest you?

Set yourself small goals. I’m currently ensuring I sit out in the sunshine for a while each day. Then I’m going to start going for walks. Once that routine is settled I may start jogging again.

Then I have come up with a few projects for around the house, like cleaning out cupboards, doing some gardening etc.

I hope you can find something that brings you some happiness & contentment. Sometimes it just takes some effort to find what that is