Cant Handle Facebook

[Cookie2929]

Hi

I'm new here. After being what I feel was bullied on Facebook I have decided to delete my account. It has taken its tool on my family as I cannot stop thinking about what this person has been doing. Becouse this is a family member of my partner,  I'm very torn. I tried to address the situation online by making a status not saying the persons name to bring it out in the open however that may have backfired on me. People say its just Facebook but why do they use it this way?

 My depression seems to cause me to obsess over things. Does anybody know strategies to not be so obsessive over people who don't like me? And how I can not react straight away, which gets me into trouble the most.

I keep telling myself I'll get thru it but I feel like I'm just sinking into a bigger hole. 😞

[AGrace]

Hi Cookie,

Welcome to Beyondblue, thanks for joining us here.

Bullying in any form is unacceptable, whether it be via facebook or phone or in person. I think you've done the right thing by deleting your account. You certainly don't need to give this person the satisfaction of being able to say anything else hurtful to you.

What has your partner suggested you do in regards to this family member? Your partner should be supporting you first and foremost. Have you tried to talk assertively with this family member who has been bullying you if possible face to face?

In terms of your depression and obsessive thoughts are you getting professional help for this at the moment?

Distraction is one good way to reduce the thoughts - distract by doing something else. Go for a walk with your partner, read a book, watch a movie, listen to music, do some housework, so that your mind is not so free to wonder.

Mindfulness helps keep your thinking in the present rather than past or future. You can google this or have a look at some guided mindfulness on youtube.

Perhaps write a letter to the family member who has been bullying you, even if you choose not to send it, it gives you a chance to get everything out.

In terms of not reacting straight away. I know a lot of people who still rely on the counting method. When you  hear something or read something count to 10 while taking some really long, deep breaths before reacting or responding.

Someone once told me it's none of my business what people think about me, this is a mantra I use a lot now. I suffer from BPD and I constantly think people won't or don't like me. I use this saying to remind myself that it doesn't matter.

I hope some of this helps. Look forward to hearing back from you.

AGrace

[Neil_1]

Dear Cookie

Firstly I'd like to extend a very warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Oh and you've raised one of my 'pet hates' - the dreaded Facebook.  Probably because I've never used it - ever.  And have no plans ever to do so.  I'm just fine with email - which works for me;  oh and this site, but then, that's a different thing altogether.

Here is monitored and pretty much in a controlled environment, so people can't get away with saying "whatever" on here - and that's a damn good thing.

As you know Facebook can just whereever.

Now I know that there are thousands, no, probably millions of Facebookers out there and for the large part, I would think that they enjoy it and do whatever they want to on it and have fun and all that.

But it does have the opportunity to be abused and mis-used and as such it can affect and take a toll on individuals.  I guess you'd call them Facebook bullies.

If this person who bullied you is the partner of a family member, are you not able to get in touch with the family member and chat?   Providing you get on of course, cause often times, families can be a touchy and difficult subject/situation.  Or is there another family member who you feel might be able to support and help you out at this current time with this situation??

Depression and obsessing over things I guess can go hand in hand.  But I don't know if they're linked at all.  But if you've got depression, then the obsessing over things just makes those things so much worse.  And then it manifests inside you and becomes difficult to manage and deal with.

Coming here is a great first step and I believe there'll be others who'll come on board to your post to give you advice as well.

The non-reacting straight away is such a difficult thing to handle - because if something not so good happens, it can be a case of do first and think later, which of course if fraught with danger - due to whatever the aftermath may bring.  I've had many sessions with a psyche to discuss this and you know what she's said - it's NOT the other person who made you do what you did (or said).  It's YOU.  You had the chance to do something else, but you chose not too and you chose, this way of reacting.  The other person didn't make you do it.   I'm still trying to get my head around that particular message.

Cookie, thank you for coming here and I do look forward to hearing back from you.

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Cookie

I've had two bullying incidences on forums and Facebook over the last few years. The first I put the matter to the governing committee of a motoring club who's president labelled it a "storm in a tea cup".

The second time I decided to front the culprit at a show and shine only to lose the faith of other members. So I learned a lot.

Firstly 80% of people have no compassion, understanding or patience for others bullied on FB. They also dont usually have the flexibility to take into account your mental illness.

So what can you do. Firstly and most importantly dont get too upset by these people because you will never eliminate them from being who they are. But as soon as you are aware- defriend them. You cant take chances with these people. The same with people who are not on facebook that upset you, are inconsiderate or nasty- dont see them again. It sounds like radical decision making but you need to defend yourself more than the average person needs to.

I reduced my FB friends from 180 to 45 and am much better for it.  People attack on FB as it is the easy way to make an impact and make themselves appear popular. I recently viewed the people I have blocked and didnt unblock any. None have tried to make amends.

Surround your life with beautiful people and not waste your time with those you will forever try to please.

[White_Rose]

Dear Cookie

I said before, Facebook has a lot to answer for.  It is a perfect place for sneaks and bullies to hurt others and get away with it.  I think you are right to close your account. At least that is one avenue that cannot be used to harm you.

Have you talked to your partner about the behaviour? It seems to me that he should address the situation with his relative. No matter what this person has against you, Facebook and similar public forums, are not the place to advertise it. The only straightforward and honest way is to talk to you.

If this is an untrue story then maybe you can tell the person you are considering legal action.

I understand your concern about constantly worrying about what others think. It's very easy to say, "Don't take any notice", but it's not as easy as that. My guess is that it is not the story that has been told about you that is the primary cause of your distress. More than likely it is the fact that someone has made a very deliberate effort to harm you. And this is so horrible.

We say things like "I'll maintain a dignified silence", "I won't stoop to his level", "Other people know I'm not like that"etc. But it is still very hurtful and it is natural to wonder why someone would target you in that fashion.

So how do you stop thinking about it and hurting yourself again and again. Partly by reminding yourself that every time you get this thought it is only hurting you. Have some standby thoughts ready to switch to. Some suggestions are; where am I going tonight? what am I going to wear? who will be there? I need to buy a new dress, what's the weather going to be like on Saturday?  I hope you get the idea.

You may want to start planning a holiday or redecorating a room.  Anything that needs some thought which you can use as a distraction. It can really help and at the same time reduce the anxiety you experience.

I hope this is useful. Post in again.

LING

[Cookie2929]

Thankyou so much for replying.  All of you have such great advice. Yes I have just started working with a psychologist and next week am going to be going thru mindfulness techniques.  My partner is sometimes supportive of the situation and sometimes not.  He does not like to rock the boat with his family. 

The planning a holiday idea sounds great and I have been trying to set goals like this as a form of distraction. Sometimes it just gets the better of you.  Today feels like a good day with my depression but some days its like a heavy cloud that covers me up and eats me alive.

Thankyou so much for your kind words and advice.  I will be putting into practice this advice. As well as keeping my facebook account closed until I feel better equipped to deal with it.

🙂 Cookie

[Saska]

Facebook is such a great tool for people to use to bully others, lead fake lives and start world war 3. I found out the hard way how easy it is for someone to hurt you on Facebook when my now ex dumped me by changing his status on Facebook from in a relationship with me to single. It was then that I realised just how easy it was to hurt others on there.

However having said that I have a good friend who is severely depressed and all he is able to do is sit on Facebook all day, and chat with people. Am guessing it is easier for him to have fake friends online than real friends in real life?

Anyway I think you have done the right thing in deleting your account. You don't need that kind of garbage.   How are you going with your mindfulness training?

Saska

[white knight]

I've come to the opinion that FB and other media have one positive going for it, and one negative.

The positive is it expands the number of people you are in contact with. The negative is....the same!

If you are sensitive like me and get upset with others at the slightest jibe or prod, then FB and other media isnt good. Even though I've reduced my friends, the jibes continue. I've realised today...I cant continue to defriend others constantly. Life doesnt work that way. Its, "put up with it...or cancel the account".

[Saska]

You are right White Knight. There are positives and negatives about Facebook. For a while FB was my way of socialising. But my life on there was fake. I used to pretend my life was fabulous when it wasn't. Then I started wondering how many other people on there were doing the same thing. 

 These days I crave company but I find FB Friends aren't what I am looking for anymore. I want real life friends. But when you are unwell where do you meet them??

[white knight]

Hi Saska,

I have many new friends in the backyard and more in the coming spring. Beans, carrots, pumpkin and the like. nd they dont hurt me, only when they dont germinate lol

But seriously, I have a filter now and it was put in place when I wasnt well.  I changed from trusting all and sundry to trusting only after the person displayed a heap of qualities.

So where do you meet friends when you are unwell?  When you are unwell it isnt the time to meet anyone. Sounds negative- just being wise.