Can't get on top of life

[bigbosco]

I am retired and comfortable with a good Wife, we have been married for over 40 years. I had heart surgery in 2006 and last year I had a ICD implanted.

I feel useless and cannot get on top of living with this condition. I know all the things that I am lucky to be alive etc. etc. doesn't help.

I wake in the morning just black and that can last some time, it also can hit me for no reason and for no reason and make my life pointless. There are times that I am hit with just anger for no reason, not anger that I would hurt anyone just anger at life.

Finding it hard to deal with

[Neil_1]

Hi there bigbosco

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Retired, comfortable, good wife – and wow, marriage for over 40 years – awesome stuff.

I’ve only just looked up information about ICD – so couldn’t imagine how things would be for you now.

I understand your anger – obviously not what you are currently experiencing, but with the concept of it and yeah, not being angry at others, but angry at the way things have turned out.

Do you and your wife have children?   Well, children, but if so, they’d be no doubt grown adults now, yeah?   I’m just going down this path to raise the subject of your life being pointless – and kids or no kids, you still have your wife of over 40 wonderful years, and I’m imagining also that you would have a good circle of friends also?

One more question – with how you’ve been feeling of late, have you been to see a GP to let them know of how things are for you?  If not, I think it could be a useful thing for you to do.  Just a thought, mind you.

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[JessF]

Hello bigbosco, don't worry, you won't hear any 'lucky to be alive' Pollyanna speeches frome me. Those things are so unhelpful to hear, aren't they?

First up, I think that fighting against the blackness only makes it worse. This weekend just gone, I found myself very exhausted late on Saturday afternoon. I was supposed to go out to a friend's birthday, and thought I'd have a quick sleep. Two hours later I awoke, and I felt dreadful. This is not unusual for me, but on this occasion I just could not move. 

I started to have a fight with myself in my head, yelling at myself to get up. Then I paused for a moment and asked myself why. Why did I have to get up? Was the house on fire? No. 

We can't make these feelings go away. But we can learn to live with their presence, and I have found that when we do this they subside quicker. It's like confronting a monster in a nightmare instead of running away from it. It quickly loses its power.

When you wake with that feeling in the morning, lie with it for a while. Gently remind yourself that it will subside. That's a good first step.