Can't function, feel such a loser, consumed bu self hate

[Mares73]

Hi all you may remember me from my earlier post about being on so many medications with little support. And my condensed story of growing up abused by an alcoholic father, turning to a priest for help-who then sedated and assaulted me, a stranger rape  several years ago, suicide of my father and the recent trauma of my husband getting acute leukaemia. Until the birth of my first child and again following the rape-I was such a high achiever. I didn't allow myself time to think about my life-I kept very busy & highly functioning. No one but me could tell the darkness brewing underneath. I gave up work several years ago because I wasn't coping with the pressure anymore & I wanted to be there for my kids. But the depression and extreme anxiety is ruining my life. I even applied to do an online self help course and a psychologist phoned me and said he was very concerned by my assessment results and felt I should see somebody ASAP rather than do a self help course. I've being seeing the same psych for 7 years-I think she just considers me too traumatised and says things like "you are doing amazing under the circumstances" and just hands out another script. But I'm not doing anywhere near "amazing". I'm struggling to face the day each morning, I stress over stupid things like finding something to wear, I procrastinate all day even though I've written lists of things to do each day. The mail is piling up, bills unpaid, things I need to do left for another "better day" that never comes. I feel completely hollow inside. Empty. Alone and wishing I could sleep and never wake up. Then I think how selfish of me would it be to leave my kids behind-they are all that's stopping me I'm sure. I also used to be a social. Bubbly person and I'm still a very warm and caring person that most people would find me easygoing BUT the change is I've isolated myself from everybody and even my own family (mother &sisters) who I looked after and was their mother figure-even they have no desire to understand me. My mother said from a very young age that "feelings don't matter" and to get on "with the cards you've been dealt".  I am extremely lonely of a day, I usually spend most days (after ive organised kids for school) inside the house  reading a book or looking up websites on depression etc. I wish there was a support service where someone would visit occasionally. Gosh I'm only turned 40 and I sound like an old woman! But having a visitor would help or knowing people in same situation to talk to. I'm really hating myself today, why can't I do something, why can't I get dressed, why am I locked in house with all blinds shut and its a beautiful day outside. I'm sick of feeling helpless and unable to deal with these feelings when I've dealt with many traumatic events before. And it's so so easy for me to feel a failure and blame anything on myself. I'm really stuck. I feel I need help desperately but I'm at home in Sydney with the kids by myself for a while and have no one to support me-but my daughter is 14 so she could help with my 9yr old son if I could get some help. I literally feel like I'm being sucked down a drain and the water levels are rising dangerously. I really don't know anymore-this depression and anxiety has taken my life from me, I'm now just existing. Can't remember how happiness feels. So before I hit "send"-I apologise for my ranting which is just another sign of where I'm at. Lv M

[Teddas]

Mares, wow that is quite a post. this is my first day on here and put up my post but didn't think l would be ready to give any advice but your story moved me.

The feelings you talked about l can relate to as l have 4 children and have no doubt l would be dead if not for them and their love. We are told all our lives to toughen up, or just get on with it. I am going through a break up where people just say move on, not that easy.

I live in Melbourne and have those days to where l would just like to chat to someone in similar head space. Tried to go to counselling but l didn't get much from it beside a smaller bank balance.

Personally l think you are doing amazing because with your history and current mindset you still do get up. Stuff what to wear, you get up which is great and would sound stupid to others but l spend 2 or 3 days in bed sometimes coz just cant do it.

I have a 20yo boy, 19yo boy, 14yo daughter and an 11yo boy so mysituation is a little different. The elder ones l can talk to and they help with younger when "Dad is fight the demons"

Please keep being proud of you, l have spent two days in bed but will get up in the morning because you inspired me,

Look forward to hearing from you

[Dennis38]

Good morning Mares73

Sounds like you have gone though hell, come out the other side, then like so many of us here, have gone back but this time with a picnic basket. First do not apologize for ranting more then a few of us do that and that is one of the great things about this site, we can use it to get things off our chest.

Part of the not being able to get up and move or hiding in the house is the depression its a real pain in the rump some days. Especially when you want to go out but just cant seem to get out of bed. My suggestion is a simple one but rather hard to do. And that is to set one small goal a day that you want to get done. It doesn't have be a huge earth moving goal, it could be simply to open up the blinds and let some sun light in. Do this for a week maybe two, one small goal a day, then the following week you set yourself two goals. Once again small goals that are "easy" to do and wont screw anything up if you don't get it done.

When my deperession hits me that is what I try to do so that at the very least I do not slide deeper into it. It doesn't matter that I may not pull myself out of that depression but at least I know I am not going to slide deeper.

Instead of writing a list of things to do, just set yourself that one little goal and slowly build yourself up. And if the weather is good try to go for a small walk, even if its just down to the corner of the street you live on and back again. It does help a bit.

Hope you are having a better day today

Dennis

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares

That's a massive list of issues that you've got, that you've listed out ... and I can totally see why you've written that "you're unable to deal with these feelings", but at the same time you said, why can't I deal with these feelings when I've dealt with so much in the past.

I think it's just that ... you've got to the point where the pressure has built up to where it's not possible, or you feel it's not possible, to somehow function properly anymore.

You've had so much happen in the past and at present, your outlets for trying to cope seem to be minimal.  As I've said in the past as well, for me, happiness is just a word that exists in the dictionary.

I really don't know if I've said anything here that is useful, but the main thing I wanted to do, was to say that I've read your story, I really feel for you and I wish there was some magical thing I could say or do that would help you even in a small way.

We've just gotta keep trying to keep going ... with very small steps.

Cheers

Neil

[Mares73]

I sat and cried as I read your kind responses. And Tedass if I really did help you get up today-I'm thinking of you.  Even if you didnt get up its great that you tried. have contacted beyond blue about the possibility of starting support groups or conferences where there are things like key speakers, workshops, information sessions and social sessions for people who identify with a particular mental health group ie depression. I think it's the next logical step for Beyond Blue as we know its a safe, well known national organisation-and so many of us experience isolation and don't have support from family and friends. I really hope BB considers this seriously. As for me, very low selves teem-I tend to internalise most things and I remember a counsellor saying to me years ago that until I learnt it was ok to feel angry - I would always live with self lame and fear. I do find it hard to feel anger or externalise how I feel. I've trained myself to internalise and self blame. I'm really struggling with being isolated in house all day-although I do acknowledge that I have not done anything about this. I guess because I'm feeling so low-I only feel able to interact with people who would understand this-and I don't have anyone in my life who does. Yet I'm feeling so lonely. I don't know whether to try force myself to do some sort of volunteer work or similar. It's not doing me any good being alone in house with just my own thoughts and no forms of communication with others-all day long. That's why it would be good to chat and/or email until such time as there are support groups. I'm so thankful that people would read and reply to my story. I have such low self esteem I wasn't expecting any responses so I was very moved and tearful to read people's responses to me. I can't thank you all enough. I guess I just have to keep on "existing" and trying to function at the moment as I don't feel I'm anywhere near "living" . In a very dark place, not feeling hopeful, terrified of getting through each day and the stress of all I "should be doing". The anxiety of the pressures I feel are causing the depression and making me feel a hopeless, pathetic person who can't even do basic tasks like open the mail. It's terrible to feel so low that I'm overwhelmed by such a basic thing. So yes I feel like a loser and can only dream that this will end. M x

[Mbuna]

Mares,

Im sorry to see you feeling so bad. In one of my earlier replies i mentioned that I found you to be inspirational. I still do. You have been through a lot yet you seem to have been able to raise a family and get on with your life up until now. The feelings you are having are quite common with many sufferers. When my anxiety kicks in, i am the same. Its just a battle to get out of bed and go to work. I avoid all types of decisions and put stuff off. Then the work builds up and that adds to the pressure. It drives my wife insane. Once you get yourself into that hole it is very hard to drag yourself out of it. I understand how every day is a struggle. I have been there. It must seem like there is no hope but there is. Its not easy to reverse the feelings but you cant fight them in a number of ways. I will give you a few tips below. They helped me and they may help you as well.

You say you used to be a bubbly caring person. The fact is that you still are. Its the depression making you the way you are. The warm bubbly person is still there. You need to tell yourself this every time you are feeling blue. I know its not always easy but it helps. You have been through some pretty tough stuff in your life and unfortunately i cant relate to that. What I can say is that none of it is your fault. None of what you have explained in your posts was within your control. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to feel guilty about. Your therapist is right when he/she says its ok to be angry about what has happened to you but if your not angry, don't and manufacture it. Anger and resentment helps nobody. Sometimes its easier to forgive otherwise you will just end up all bitter and twisted. I went down that path and trust me when i say its not pretty. You have said that you used to keep yourself busy and you were a high achiever. Keeping busy is a good tool. So is a good diet and exercise. I am overweight. My weight goes up and down like a yoyo but when I am fitter I am less prone to the anxiety. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself is not helping. I think you know this already. I have problems making decisions as well. Simple things like paying bills and tax returns ect always get put off. I will read a book or play a computer game or do anything to put the decision off. I like books and computer games so I will use them to distract myself from the real world. You have made yourself a list of things to do and then don't do them. I do exactly the same. I have found that a bit of self discipline helps. I want to play my games and read my book but i know there are things that need to be done. I take my list and tell myself I am going to do the first 3-4 tasks on the list. I can then reward myself by playing the computer game. It sounds childish but it works for me. Normally the tasks i have been putting off for weeks are done very quickly. At the end I also have a sense of achievement.I then don't feel guilty about doing the few things that i do enjoy.

You say you feel lonely and isolated. Thats because you are. You need to get out of the house. I know it is probably your sanctuary but you need to fight the depression. Even if you don't feel like socializing, get out and go for a walk around the block. 

When you get yourself into a big hole like you have, its not always easy to drag yourself out of it. Take things one step at a time. Change things gradually. If you think your therapist is not helping then try and find another one. Thats not a bad reflection on your current therapist, but a new person with a different way of approaching things may help. You say you feel like a loser and can only dream that it will end. Your not a loser. Your friends tell you you are a nice caring person and a great mum. They tell you this because that's what you are. Unfortunately the depression is blocking this out and making you feel miserable. I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to give up but you have to keep fighting. You owe it to yourself. Your mum says you have to deal with the cards you have been dealt. I like to think that you can put the current deck of cards to one side and start playing with a new one.

[Stephen123]

Dear mares, I am at a loss as to what to say, one thing is certain and that is you have endured too much, the most horrible of crimes has been committed upon you. You have experienced copious amounts of trauma but yet there is still a lot of strength that comes through in your post. The only thing I can think of to suggest is to try and find someone that has endured such abuse and ask what they use as coping mechanisms. I experienced about a thousandth of the trauma you have experienced and I have been hospitalised four times in a psychotic state. I see my gp on a fortnightly basis, a psychiatrist every 6 weeks and a clinical psychologist and I take some pretty strong meds. You are an amazing person Mares. I think you need the best and as much support as possible. 

[Stephen123]

Mares I just re read your post, make that a millionth of the trauma. All I can think of to say is you are the opposite to a bad person/loser. You should not hate  yourself, you have endured the worst known crime to a person, you have endured too much trauma for any one person to cope with. You are an incredibly strong person to have survived such things and not only that you achieved so much and you gave birth for gods sake! I have read your posts were you,ve helped other people. I would submit that you are one of the strongest, most amazing, deserving person in the country. The thing is it would have to take an equivalent amazing person to counsel you.

[geoff]

dear Mares73, this is an interesting post with lots of good people making good comments.

You have been walking uphill backwards from all of the trauma that you had to suffer as a young child, so this means that down the track problems would arise for you, and they have unfortunately.

It really annoys me that grown men take advantedge of young children just to satisfy their 3 minutes of joy, not realising that this will damage the poor child, and give them a handicap for the rest of their life.

When you make a list of goals that you need to do, don't make the list as long as your arm, because when you look at it it just seems to be an enormous job to achieve, so this then totally puts you off doing anything, and then compounds the depression.

Opening mail is an awful job, because it's always bills after bills that need to be paid, so we push the letters aside, to be opened whenever.

I am curious as to whether you open the blinds just before the kids come home, pretending to have been working around the house, because that's what I used to do, and my kids would say 'have you been busy today dad', as I was hoping that this would please them. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

I am so surprised and so thankful for all your responses. I guess I'm feeling so low I can't believe that people care so much to respond to me personally. It's the most support I've felt in a long time.  You are right Geoff-I make sure the blinds are open when the kids get home and I have afternoon tea ready for them and do their homework. Same as the morning-no matter how anxious I am I make sure that I lay their uniforms out for them, prepare lunches and breakfast etc. then once they go I literally close the door and lean against it and start to cry. Wondering how I'm going to get through another day. I think my medication situation has been a problem for some time. I have been on a high dose of an SNRI for years, then benzodiazepines for evening anxiety, then a high dose anti-psychotic to supposedly help the antidepressant work better and recently was put on a stimulant to trial. The stimulant sent my anxiety levels through the roof-I could barely manage breathing properly. My pyschiatrist doesn't return phone calls and when I saw her 3 was ago and she gave me the script for the stimulant-she said "we'll ill see you mid-Dec and hopefully you'll be feeling cheerful by then". Unbelievable-I had to go to my chemist who knows me well and he could see how anxious, agitated and distressed I was and told me to stop taking the medication immediately and that if I did some research on the Internet  I'd find a lot of information on how such stimulants should not be taken by people with an anxiety disorder. He also gave me the phone number for the medications line and I spoke to a trained professional who reaffirmed that the anxiety levels I were experiencing were common to persons suffering depression and anxiety and concurred with my pharmacist that I should stop taking them immediately as the extreme anxiety I was experiencing could potentially lead to medication induced psychosis. I then read the consumer information brochure on the medication and it clearly stated that persons with anxiety should not take the medication. Hence I have decided to have the courage to find a new psychiatrist as my current one who I have been seeing for six years has not done any type of "real" therapy with me apart from asking me how I feel in general each session and her main focus is on dispensing prescriptions. She has also only suggested seeing me every few months and I think I've decided to face the reality that I need intensive therapy to help me deal with my trauma and my resulting anxiety and depression. I have exceptionally low self esteem and feel desperate for some hope. For the past 14 days in particular, I have had a list of things that I really did need to achieve-yet it's now Saturday afternoon and I'm feeling a complete failure and wondering how I could do it all this afternoon. I am rambling I know. I'm sorry-all I came on to say was thank you-thank you for caring enough to read my story and to take your time to reply and offer caring advice. I cannot e press how grateful I am. It really made my day to find that you had written to me. It's the nicest most caring thing I've experienced in a long time. Thinking of you all, Mares x