To med or not to med?

[HopeSpringsEternal]

Hi beautiful people.  i've just joined the forum today having been on the phone to lifeline at 4am this morning who mentioned the resources here to me.  i don't know if i'm going to turn into a regular member as i have done with some forums in the past or whether i'll selfishly post my current dilemma and drift away into my busy life and other resources so please forgive me if it's a one-off.  having said that, i've immensely enjoyed skimming through the discussions this afternoon and find a lot of hope here.

i'll try to keep it brief. i've suffered with depression or bipolar (depending who you ask) for 30 years, since my mid-teens. it was worst in my 20s and 30s but seems to have settled to some reasonable degree in the last 7 years since meeting my long-term partner and having our beautiful son (now 5).

i have tried to treat my depression, for the most part, 'naturally'.  i've tried to incorporate exercise into my life; i pray and meditate (not as regularly as i'd like but as much as i can); i've done endless affirmations and gratitude lists to keep me positive; i've had a series of psychologists/counsellors (my current one has been for 5 years and is terrific); i've done all sorts of psychological healing work; i've pursued various forms of spirituality; i eat reasonably healthily; have been to naturopaths; and have been sober from alcoholism through AA for 23 years though I don't attend meetings all that regularly any more. anyway, you get the gist.  i've taken meds twice - once for 6 months and once for 6 weeks both during relationship breakups.

so i've just taken a turn for the worse recently though i'm not entirely sure why. after a few crazy years of business things have been quieter this year possibly leaving me too much time in my home office doing 'project work' rather than being out with clients where i get my kicks; we bought a house mid-year and painted it ourselves before moving in 2 months ago; we've had an endless stream of visitors since moving in (nice but too much); i've found the 'prep transition' for my son a bit stressful and making arrangements for his after-school care etc pretty exhausting; we haven't had a holiday for eons (4 days at easter and maybe a 18 months since we had a week in fiji); we don't have much extended family so baby-sitting and time to ourselves is sparse and when i start to get weepy my partner gets angry.  we've been having arguments recently because he can feel me 'acting scared and scatty like a flickering light' all the time and i wake up with a look of dread about the day ahead on my face which he can't fathom when I "want for nothing".  and the arguments lead me to feeling like a failure, depression, suicidal fantasy and calling lifeline at 4am.

i'm catching up with my counsellor in 10 days and perhaps it will all just pass but lifeline said "you've given it your all for 30 years.  do you really want this to go on for another 30?".  and it makes sense of course.  but then i feel like "what a waste of 30 years - i could've just taken a bloody pill in the first place" and i'm also pathetically scared of the side effects of lost libido and potential weight gain (though i don't remember the latter being a big issue previously). i think i'm mostly loathe to take a permanent solution in the form of long term meds to what could just be a passing phase that has interrupted a mostly solid period. having said that, i'm far more worried about the effect on my relationship and my son of course if this doesn't turn around soon.

i do think that a bit of time to myself to read my positive literature and listen to positive talks would make a big difference, but what damage in the meantime?

so anyway, so much for the 'brief' post.  any thoughts greatly appreciated.  xx

[geoff]

hello, nice for you to join us.

People do try and overcome any sort of depression themselves, which is good, however, there are many deep hidden parts of this depression that we seem to either forget or we don't want to go there, that's why we just concentrate on the peripheral issues.

So it may work but generally not, because these main problems need to be addressed, and once this happens then the minor problems just tag along.

Some AD do make us lose our libido, so we then change to another one, as my first one did this for me, so the doctor changed brands from SSRI to SNRI, and put me on a small dose, just to begin with, and then built it up, and now I'm on the max.

All the ideas of keeping yourself healthy but also busy are good, but it doesn't seem to be quite enough at the moment, and I would suggest going back to your doctor and start on a small dose and then build them up if need be, because 30 years is a long time of inconsistent pain.

There is no loss of dignity by taking antidepressants, they are there to help us, and if they can do this then that's far better than feeling miserable.

I'm sure that you want to enjoy some more holiday time away again, but this won't happen while you are depressed. L Geoff. x

[HopeSpringsEternal]

thanks Geoff.  I do feel like i've gone to all those deep dark corners to try to heal but ultimately, here i am - improved, but not enough, and not consistently enough.  thx for the thought about SSRI vs SNRI and i'll talk to the doc about dosage.  appreciate your feedback.  cheers, c x

[Beetle]

Hi Hopespringseternal

Welcome to the forum. Im glad u found your way here.I am sort of new'ish too and found the forum very helpful. I feel less like an alien by reading other peoples posts.

Like you i was probabaly suffering from depresssion and anxiety for decades before I ended up calling lifeline and finaly seeing a GP. I was very VERY close to make the final step. Like you i had tried sport,yoga,meditation,counceling, etc. I was not really succcessfull with giving up alcohol and used it as an antidepressant.

I also thought: i will NEVER take a pill. If i do I would have to admit something is wrong with me and that i have failed with all my effords to beat the 'beast' on my own.

I was so terrified to take this pill. Now after 6 weeks on the normal dose of an SNRI i feel its the best thing that ever happened to me. Like Goeff said- they do help us if its the right pill. Ivbe been VERY lucky since the first one ive tried kicked in within 2 days,. The suicidal thoughts disappeared, the agony and the internal pain as well. I had all sideefects on the list for about 2 weeks. That was no fun. BUT it was way better than wanting to kill myself and to feel like a bunch of raw flesh.

the pill enabled me to interzct with people so m uch better,more reasonably. I dont get so emotional all the time and dont take things so personal. I feel my life is enjoyable again. I minimised my alcohol, i still do my daily exercises and try to keep stress as a minimum in my life since it triggers the beast.

I can only recommend to talk to your doc, try a pill and see how u go. The new AD's are much better than the old ones and even though the side effects are crap for the first 2 weeks they disappear. I have no loss of libido with mine- i feel its rather the opposite!

Please let us know how u go! Stopp suffering. Be brave! you aer not weak if u take a pill! you would take a blood pressure pill wouldt you? AD' is the same-it treats a deficiency in the brain. full stop!

 best wishes

xoxox beetle

[HopeSpringsEternal]

thanks Beetle.  that's extremely encouraging and helpful.  i've asked me counsellor for an emergency appointment for tomorrow and will start with liaising with her and my doc.  i think i've largely decided it's time, yet, as is mostly the case, i've bounced back very quickly and am concerned about long-term medication when i do bounce back so quickly and typically then stay stable for a while. no doubt the professionals will have some ideas.  

thanks again.  appreciate it (and good news for you on the libido - i hope the same is true for me!)

[geoff]

dear Beetle and HopeSpringEternal, there are a few interesting points that have been made here.

We have to take the medication because there is something wrong, and that is we have depression, and it's no failure at all when we try and overcome it by ourselves, most of us felt this way at first, or it could be called being in denial, and that was exactly how I was.

We do worry about the length of time we have to take these antidepressants, but if we look at it this way, firstly that if they can help us cope on a day to day basis, then that's a definite bonus, and secondly because they are doing their job, is it a concern that we have to take them long term, and personally it doesn't worry me one bit if I do have to take them for the rest of my life, because without them down I go back into the black hole.

There are many people stating that these AD's are making them gain weight, point taken, but the way I look at it is if you are feeling so much better, then the weight issue can be dealt with later on down the track, and there are ways and means of coping with this so just get better first of all, and then your mood will be able to handle this concern. L Geoff. x