BPD And depression

Trishna · ‎01-11-2016

Hi guys. I'm a parent of a daughter suffering from BPD, depression and anxiety. Currently on meds, the 4th with great early results but now downhill. Been such a long road as many of you would have experienced. We are in this together but as a parent I'm currently struggling with some issues. Theres a fine line between letting her find herself socially and still putting rules in place. She is turning 17 next week. Unfortunately my husband doesn't understand her mental issues, so I'm on my own with this . Just needing some advice...feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I am new to this forum. 😊

Zeal · ‎01-11-2016

Hi Trishna,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter suffers from BPD, anxiety and depression. She is lucky to have your unwavering support. It's a shame your husband really struggles to understand. Perhaps suggest that he visit these links: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety and https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/age-13

These resources are also worth saving to your computer favourites for future reference:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

It would be great to hear back from you. If you would like to share more details or ask questions, you are welcome to.

Best wishes,

Zeal

Trishna · ‎02-11-2016

Thank you for your reply Zeal. I guess my husband has his own issues but tbh probably in denial. My energy and focus must be on my daughter at this time. My daughter and I are very lucky as we have a very strong relationship however issues arise through me putting boundaries etc in place and as she is over sensitive at times I'm not getting through to her so it becomes an argument. Just asking any advice or support from parents struggling with the same issues.

Fairywings · ‎02-11-2016

Hi there lovely and welcome xx I am a sufferer of bpd depression anxiety and body dysmorphia have been all my life im now 36yrs old xx I can def understand ur concerns with ur daughter as she is still quite young. I remember being this way with my mother very headstrong stubborn so i can relate to her in some way xx it is now that I understand what my mother was trying to teach me now that I am a parent myself ur daughter will discover this too when her time is right to be a mum herself until then she will think she is invincible and can take on life by herself. I thought this too growing up i learnt alot i made mistakes but that's how I learnt my lessons in life the hard way I guess my point is I know everything ur doing for her is for her best interests but being an adolescent in today's world she is def going to want to find her own two feet in life she will make mistakes but this is how she will learn im so proud of u that u guys have a strong relationship i never had that with my mum i am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and everything that comes with that and my mother never knew so she couldn't understand where all my rebellious behavior was coming from i now appreciate her more than ever xx i later confessed everything to her when i was in my mid twenties long time to carry this burden xx ib guess the important thing is here is that communication bw u and ur daughter remains open at all times let her know she can feel safe in opening up to u about anything xx atm i know its hard trying to get thru to here so maybe write her a letter leave it in her room where she can read it in her own time and have time to process it xx things do get better adolescents are never easy to raise u have us and u also have headspace, ysas and youth projects that can help if needed just Google them for contact details they will be able to help you xx and refer u on depending on ur location. I hope this has helped you please keep reaching out to us it's not going to be an easy journey and this is a stage in life either parent or child can bypass it does get easier its just going to take time xx nice to have spoken with you xx Venessa

james1 · ‎02-11-2016

Hey Trishna, I suffer from symptoms of BPD though I'm really inconsistent and I tend to lie a lot to my psychologist and myself so a proper diagnosis is a bit tricky, haha.

I'm 24 at the moment though I do remember some of these symptoms flaring up quite severely when I was 17/18 in year 12 after a break-up.

You mentioned you're trying to set boundaries with your daughter but not really getting through to her. Do you mind if I ask: is that what you're trying to get some help or understanding with? If so, what makes you feel like you're not getting through to her and on what topics?

James

Trishna · ‎02-11-2016

Thank you for sharing your story Venessa. Incredibly strong you must be to go through all that and still here and now offering appreciative advice. My daughter is headstrong etc which I actually see as a gift but challenging at times. I place limits on her when I know she's not having a good day. She sacrifices herself for others constantly, emotionally mostly as she is great at giving advice which is also a gift. She is a magnet for friends with issues too but ends up feeling drained and then a cycle of worthlessness follows when those friends don't do the same. Finding the balance between letting her know that this is hurting her and letting her find that out for herself is the hardest thing as I end up frustrated as she doesn't seem to see it. I am in awe of the way she copes and am incredibly proud of her and our relationship. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for your input. xxoo

Trishna · ‎02-11-2016

Hi James. Thank you for replying. I've been told by my daughter's psychiatrist and psychologist that the BPD flares up at this age hence the hesitation to officially diagnose it before 18years. She constantly over extends herself in giving time up to others while I would like for her to focus on herself and getting help, also just helping herself as that always seems to be the last on her list. I know she needs to find her limits herself but I'm still wary and protective as I always see the after effects and the way she suffers afterwards. I have no previous experience with BPD and just wonder how hard to push the issue without adding to the stress of it all. Such a fine line I guess.

At the same time even though you made me laugh with your own admission that you make it tricky haha. Please be honest and more importantly good to yourself with yourself. Really appreciate your reply. 😊

Nikkir · ‎02-11-2016

Hi Trisha,

Thank you so much for being so brave and reaching out to us. It must be a very difficult journey for you and your daughter. It is great that you are loving her and supporting her. Wow she is still so young, is she still at school? Does she have friends and social support? I really feel for you both, BPD is one of the hardest forms of mental illness to deal with because of the nature of it, often people with BPD are changeable and a bit erratic and do not like to engage in treatment especially for long periods of time which essentially is what is needed. Firstly you are not alone, there are many people around Australia with BPD and carers that are going through the same thing or similar and alot more awareness and research has been done. I don't know where to start except to offer what i have found helpful. It is important to look after yourself. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

These people family connections have just developed a course for BPD and carers and have so many great resources I have only been able to look at a few.

http://www.bpdaustralia.com/family-connections-1/

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/home/

Carers australia is great to get support for you and they also have good resources. If you are not happy with the DR or psychologist then get another one, keep trying. The recommended treatment for BPD is DBT / CBT which you have probably heard 1000 times, I recently bought the book by Marsha Linehan or invented DBT especially for BPD I think from memory she had it herself. The title of that is Cognitive Behavioural Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. She also has many talks on you tube and goes through the treatment. As far as the day to day, just get through it and try to keep her safe and take care of yourself. Often people with BPD will try to push you away but deep down they are so scared that no one wants them or cares so where possible reinforce love and acceptance, not of behaviour but of the beautiful soul that she is. Our line is also good for someone to talk to, they are trained professionals and great for resources 1300 22 4636 I know this because I have rung it 🙂 Wishing you all the best, please let us know how you both are going if you feel like it. Thinking of you and you are not alone. Nikkir x

Car

james1 · ‎03-11-2016

Hey Trishna,

Ah yes, I'm very guilty of trying to help others too at my own expense. It was the first thing my psychologist picked up on. It can be a real gift, but a real curse as well, as I'm sure you're well aware.

It can be so frustrating watching someone exhaust themselves with other people. It's why psychologists maintain that professional barrier and even then still need their own psychologist.

If I think about myself and how I'd like my friends and family to "deal" with it... I think my preference would be for people to just kindly point out that I'm doing it again, and ask if I want to talk about it. Because it wears me out as well and I can get very upset, so just having someone who would be willing to listen, even if I don't want to talk, is nice. For me, the limits need to be set between the psychologist and myself, and my friends and family can help me self-enforce them, but not to enforce the limits themselves.

I think that's what I would want. I'm not sure what your daughter would want, but I hope that can be of some help. If we think of good cop/bad cop, I think you need to give the psychologist the role of bad cop. If your daughter does the "splitting" - black and white thinking - she needs you to be essentially all good.

James

Trishna · ‎03-11-2016

Thank you for reply Nikkir. My daughter is receiving support etc from some great professionals too. We've been so lucky to find 2 that she clicks with. I will definitely look into the resources you've mentioned. I can totally relate to the points you've made regarding pushing ppl away. And as you say she really is such a beautiful soul, always giving. So easy to look from the outside and judge and I'm seriously abit overwhelmed but so happy that ppl who suffer can so openly help with their replies with this forum. So glad that I reached out to you all. Xxoo