borderline personality disorder

[Alaskaor]

Hello everyone. I am 21 years old and have recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I've known for quite a while that something wasn't right and I suffer from anxiety and depression. I feel as though I can function in a job, I can study and I can have great friendships but the moment I meet a male and get attached to him these things all suffer. I always feel as though they are going to leave, I always question them thinking something is wrong when it probably isn't. I get with them way to quickly just because I have it in my head that maybe they'll stay. It takes me a while to recover from this and I am deeply knocked by it. I just wanted to know if there was anyone out there around my age who has this disorder? or is there anyone out there with BPD that managed to maintain a relationship, to get engaged and get married or have children? because that is my biggest fear. I am able to meet males and maybe go on 2 or 3 dates but soon enough I get attached and its like I purposely wreck it, I overthink and I always assume that they'll either leave or get with someone else. I can be impulsive in the way I text them constantly and I hate that about me. I have recently gone to a psychologist who recommended dialectical behavioural therapy. I want to do it as I feel it'll help me but it is so expensive that I am unable to do it. Is there anyone out there that have done some sort of therapy that has worked or even improved your mental illness that isn't so expensive? I'm at a loss

[james1]

hello alaskaor,

Welcome to the forums. I understand how you feel. I do a similar thing and likewise am largely functional otherwise.

I am 26 (oh man, I typed 24, then remembered I was 25...until my birthday last December) and I am currently in a...9?month relationship. I've got a good feeling about how I've handled it better this time.

DBT is pretty expensive. Thankfully I'm able to afford it but what you might be able to do is to download some of the worksheets yourself and see what makes sense to you. Obviously, it's not proper therapy, but in my own experience, therapy is there to help guide you to learn a bunch of techniques which you have to apply in practice in the real world anyway. If you have a good psychologist to help support you through the process, and give you confidence in your learning, it just becomes a matter of time.

Have you spoken to anyone else about the diagnosis? It can be very scary.

James

[Alaskaor]

I have been waiting to get into my psychologist and hopefully I will feel better. I am very scared because I feel like I will never ever be able to function in a relationship and I want to be able to just trust it. how did you handle your current relationship differently

[james1]

Hello alaskaor,

It is good to hear you seem to find the psychologist helps. Have you been seeing this one for long and when's the next appointment?

I understand how you feel. In many ways, I actually found that fear to become very self-fulfilling.

In my current relationship, I think it would be incorrect for me to say I've really changed how I do anything. Instead, it's been more a matter of changing my perspective because there's nothing 'wrong' with us. We simply think that there is.

We need to train our brains through being open and honest and giving it a go - and even being disappointed sometimes - before we can learn that it's not us that is broken when relationships break, it's just that relationships don't always work.

So you're not broken somehow and you can totally function in a relationship. You just don't trust yourself right now to do that, so you need to show yourself many many times over a long period of time that you are worthy of it. Other people have had family or friends do this for them while growing up, while we seem to have missed it for whatever reason.

Actually, one of the best 'relationships' to try this on is the one with your psychologist. They are a lot closer to us than we may sometimes think. If they do something wrong, can you call them out on that? If they make you feel bad, can you tell them that constructively? If they said that they couldn't do it anymore, how would you cope with that? Ditto with your friends and your family.

Hope that gives you something to think about! Let me know what you think.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Alaskaor,

Welcome to the community. I would love to have been diagnosed with BPD when I was your age and not when I was 40 years old as was my case. My diagnosis made a whole lot of sense to me and explained so much about my personality and how I see and do life.

I'd like to recommend you go to the library and ask them to get in books on BPD for you to read. I have read some wonderful books that have helped me immensely. I was able to do a DBT course through the Mental Health unit. Ask your DR if this is at all possible for you.

One of the ladies doing the course actually bought the course book online, you may be able to do the same thing.

Also ask your Dr or Google if there is BPD Support group in your area.

BPD can affect people in different ways, one of my biggest hassles was relationships and the way my mind interpreted things until I managed to understand I didn't have to think that way and if I did, then I could change those thoughts.

This year my husband and I will be reaching our 30th wedding anniversary, so yes, long term relationships are possible with a diagnosis of BPD.

One thing I have learnt is that yes I do have this diagnosis, but no it does not have to define who I am as a person. I know now why my brain thinks they way it does. I can re-wire my brain so I don't hassle myself so much.

The more I learn about BPD the more I am able to live my life as I desire. Yes, there have been battles and there still will be. We can grow stronger the more we learn.

Keep on exploring your options. Books are good.

Cheers from Dools

[NickyBB]

Hi Alaskaor, I have also been recently diagnosed with BPD. I have a very similar pattern with relationship break downs but have been able to maintain several long term relationships although with very chaotic patterns and unfortunately and many turbulent emotional break ups. I just wanted to connect, and let you know about some ideas for DBT that are more affordable. Ask your GP or hospital mental health about other available DBT programs. Also there is a really good DBT app (DBT Diary Card &Skills Coach). Also there is a program to have psychologists visits (6 per year?) and you can find a psychologist that works with DBT techniques.

[Doolhof]

Hi NicckyBB,

Thanks for sharing your experience and information here. I'm not sure if Alaskaor is still connected tot he forum as it has been a while since that person used this thread section.

Other people with BPD may find your information interesting. I have found the cost of the therapy to be far beyond my financial resources which are just about nil!

I have purchased a book with skills you can learn, some of them I just don't understand, so working through BPD with a professional is certainly the best possibility if you can afford it.

Thanks for sharing!

Cheers from Dools

[bluehorseshoes]

Hi Dools and Nicky and fellow BPDers,

I wasn't sure whether to start a new thread or continue here, but I would find it useful if anyone would like to share their coping strategies for the 9 criteria of Borderline PD.

Just for reference these are
1. Fear of real/imagined abandonment
2. Pattern of intense/unstable interpersonal relationships, alternating/splitting between extremes of idealizing and demonizing others
3. Identity disturbance, markedly and persistently unstable self image of sense of self
4. Dangerous impulsive/reckless behavior (substance abuse, over spending/dangerous driving/shop lifting etc.)
5. Suicidal behavior/self harming
6. Emotional dysregulation, roller coaster emotions and difficulty returning to 'normal' after triggered
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate/explosive anger/difficulty controlling anger
9. Transient stress related paranoid idealization, delusions, or severe dissociative symptoms

My diagnoses has not been as awful as you might expect – I have found it relieving as it explains so much. It explains me but doesn’t define me. Like Nicky I am reading up and would like to discuss. For example, I am coping with chronic identity disturbance and feeling like I never know who I am or where I’m going by putting up post it reminders of my interests/achievements where I can see them everyday. This would sound ridiculous to some, but to those who experience this aspect, this helps me cope. Would love to discuss other symptom strategies - Bluey

[NickyBB]

Hi !! Thanks for your replies Dool and Blue. I’m very interested in learning strategies and accepting and developing myself. I’ve made a list of fun things I like to do and have been doing them more and telling myself it’s good for me, it’s ok to not punish me. I’ve been looking up DBT, and part of the therapy process is checking in with a professional frequently - when out in the real world—so Im trying to find what I can use like this, like maybe a hotline, suicide call back service, or the chat on Beyond blue. I’m just try to work that part out.

Ive found a couple of resources for developing sense of self.

so glad to hear your stories

[bluehorseshoes]

Hi Nicky,

It’s great to hear that you’re making progress and getting your mental health organised. I’ve identified my mix of symptoms as 2. Pattern of unstable relationships, 3. Identity disturbance, 6. Emotional dysregulation, 7. Chronic emptiness, 9. Stress related paranoia.

I am getting better with the emotional dysregulation. Lately I’ve found that distraction and acceptance are effective for me. I distract myself with music and taking myself out of the situation that’s hurt me – usually a more public place/shopping mall etc. helps me to feel less. The when I “come back” to the feeling, or remember how I felt, it’s less overpowering. I used to rely on substance abuse to feel better so that’s progress.

I’m glad you’re also practicing acceptance and learning not to punish yourself. That’s not easy. From the resources you’ve found, are you able to share any tips about developing sense of self?

Bluey