Do you blame yourself for the mistakes you've made? Do you feel guilty about them? Do you spent time dwelling about "what could have been"?
I use to until I realised, that you are only responsible to limit our mistakes in the here and now. Once that decision making has been made, if it was the wrong one, it was only wrong after making it. But punishing ourselves year in year out is not clever, its responsive and harms us.
Eg For whatever reason I grew up impulsive problem I now dont have. Such a trait resulted in buying and selling 35 cars before the age of 23yo and as they were on loans I got myself into heaps of financial trouble. My family heard my justifications each new car I purchased, friends laughed but it was a serious issue.
As the years rolled by I dwelled on those impulsive years and beat myself up about them. But was it my fault? We end up as we are for a reason. In my case it could be I needed attention, needed change often, liked different cars in my driveway or got tired of one car quickly and desired another. Or my mothers BPD (undiagnosed) had its effect on us kids.
Whatever the real reason, it wasnt fault on my part. There is only fault when one doesnt learn and improve on the situation as best one can. As time went by I tried to keep a car for long periods. By 30yo I kept a car for 3 years, by 40yo 5 years and now my new csur purchased in 2008 I still have.
In my 20's my then girlfriend had had a baby adopted out when she was 16yo, 8 years earlier before I met her. We split after 6 years then met up 20 years later. She'd spent many a restless night dwelling on that one mistake, to give up her baby. I told her that under the same circumstances she would have done the same thing, she would bow to the pressures from family, no means to support her baby and the stigma from that era. Essentially, blaming herself was unfair. What would be more unfair is to not search for her child and help her child through life by knowing her birth mother.
We met up again 10 years later. She told me she found her child, now with children of her own. She had accepted it was unrealistic and hurtful to lay blame on herself for giving up her own baby. She has some lingering guilt, wished things were different and still takes medication for depression.
Importantly, her self blame has drifted.
She is now an active granny. She progressed.
Blame and guilt are suppressive thoughts that need to be contained. Be fair to yourself.
Tony WK
