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[Lovely86]

This is my first post here.

I have had a number of issues with depression and anxiety since I was a child but recently I have been going through my worst episode.

I have been working in the same job for almost 7 years now, but over the past 2 years I have felt increasingly anxious and in the past few months depressed. I used to value my job, it was fulfilling but now just the thought of having to "pretend" and actually go to work fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread.

I have been prescribed medication to try and help & I have had sessions with my psychologist. I have also been referred to psychiatrists but as I live rurally I have been waiting 6 weeks for a full assessment.

In the past couple of days I find that I am beginning to feel detached from everything. It is much like watching my life on a screen being played out like a video game. I have gone to work, I have done the things that need to get done but I am working on autopilot, just watching it all be done & I don't like the feeling at all.

My psychologist suggested that I should just work part-time, while I consider options for a different career path. Which is easier said then done. My boss has been wonderfully supportive so far, but it's a small business and having to keep me on part-time & employ someone full-time for the duties I was fulfilling would drain the business. The only option I can see would be to resign. But then what? I would have no income and I can't really afford not to.

My mother is trying to be supportive too but to her it is all in my head & I just need to keep going to work and get over it.

Yesterday while driving to work I thought about how little I was actually paying attention to what I was doing and how I could easily have an accident & I honestly couldn't force myself to care about that. It would have meant I didn't have to go to work.

[james1]

Hello Lovely86,

Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear you've been really struggling with feeling something and work in particular. It can be hard for people to understand but the reality is that depression is hard to have when working full time, but we can't afford to not work either.

I can see that you're trying really hard to think about the good of the business as well and while that's very kind of you, I think you're underestimating your worth. I'm guilty of this too - I think that my team would be better off hiring someone without the mental illness that I have. But wouldn't every business be better off with an "ideal worker"? You're there because they value you regardless of what mental illness you have. Perhaps it's more helpful to ask whether you want to stay or not. Do you feel challenged there? In my own experience, not being challenged at work was one of the things that got me really down. I went too far in dropping responsibilities that it then just became dull.

Do you have any hobbies outside of work that you enjoy? This feeling seems to pervade many aspects of your life and I wonder if you're able to enjoy something else on the weekends, for example.

Otherwise, one possibility you could ask your doctor about is whether your medication is having that effect. Some medications can make people feel dulled. I don't know if yours is one of those which can do that.

James

[Lonelydan]

Hi lovely 86, welcome to beyond blue, I have major depressive disorder/manic depression what ever people want to call it so I understand what it's like I feel the same way. It's so hard to live with it never goes away always sitting on your shoulders whispering it's gutless miserable words. It's hard for others to understand what's it's like I try to explain it like losing someone you loved that sting in your heart is what it's like to have really bad depression. Unfortunately there's no cure only management and that's the best thing to do for yourself take control of it. I know my limits boundaries what is best for me and who isn't. People with depression employment is always a nightmare it was so hard for me I've lost so many jobs because of it I'm glad you have understanding boss I say don't leave your job as you will probably find nothing will change the depression will only follow and being unemployed will only open up more worries. Do you have something that's yours a hobby anything after work you like to do a passion for something is always good. Dan...

[Lovely86]

Thanks for your replies James and Dan.

I know that my work values me as they have been very understanding and have made every effort to make me feel like my job is fulfilling (such as enrolling me in training for advancement) but the truth is it's just not what I want to do anymore.

My job is retail based and in a very tight-knit small community. I value my colleagues and customers all as friends, but I increasingly feel like a fraud when I go to work & pretend like everything is ok & I'm happy there. In some ways, I think I might be self-sabotaging myself by making things more difficult then they are.

I have never been a social person, I grew up isolated on a property with my family. My main hobby is reading but I also do photography. I find it difficult to find any enjoyment in either of those at the moment too though because of my lack of focus and anxiety.

I like to be involved in artistic pursuits and sometimes think I would like to start my own business based around either photography or making things. That requires using savings though.

My psychologist is encouraging me to pursue this path but I have always turned to my mother for advice too and she is saying not to. I think for her she sees financial stability as the highest priority, but is it really? Is having financial stability more important then happiness and mental health?

[james1]

Hey Lovely86,

It's great to hear you're thinking about what you want. Do you know what area or type of job you'd like to do next? Even just what the job would be like if not necessarily what it is?

I'm similar to you in that I love animals, art and writing, and want to start my own business of it one day. I'm not suggesting you do the same as my plan, but I suppose we're all just here sharing ideas anyway.

I see it as a mixture - financial stability is important to mental health and we can't neglect it, but we also can't pursue it all the way. So for me, I'm working at a bank at the moment and I just know it's not for me. It pays well and I can't afford to lose the money right now, but I know what my goals are - own a dog, go on holidays, cook nice food - and how much money I need for that.

So basically, I think it's about having your own set of goals and knowing how much money you need for those, then working towards that.

I know your psychologist is encouraging you to leave work and pursue your business goals. What do you think of that?

James

[Guest_9809]

Hi Lovely86, and welcome to the Beyondblue Forums.

It sounds as though you are not entirely satisfied or happy in the work you are currently doing. I guess many of us go through that at some stage of our working lives. Wondering if we have made the right career choice, whether we would be happier or better at doing something different.

Its hard to know whether working in a job you are dissatisfied with has contributed to your depression and anxiety, or whether your depression and anxiety has make you unhappy with your work. Perhaps a little of both?

Of course we all need money coming in to live life to its fullest. With your work being a small business, it makes it very difficult to switch to a part time role which would mean them having to employ an additional person to do the work you have been doing up until now. There are a lot of additional costs involved for a business to do that. There could be an option for a job-share arrangement however, which could be a good solution for you, the business and perhaps some other local person who would like to work part-time. Maybe you even know someone in the community who could fit the bill, and whom you could work with? Worth considering.

It would help take the pressure off you for a bit and allow you to seek further treatment or to permit medication to settle in. Hopefully that will help you come through this particularly difficult time and you may feel totally different by then. But alternatively it gives you a chance to honour your loyalty to the business as well as to reassess your own career options. A major decision such as your career, is best made when you are in a good frame of mind. So now is perhaps not the best time.

I cant agree with your psych that financial security should be your number one priority. Mental health and happiness should be first and foremost. In many cases, the rest will follow naturally as a result.

I relate to your issues with being rural, I have always lived in a rural area and understand the difficulties it can present when it comes to careers, work availability and access to health services. There isnt a lot I can suggest for that ... it is what it is. I love living in the country, but there are some unavoidable disadvantages. In the end ... I would still choose to live in the country. (-:

I hope to hear from you again.

Taurus