big feelings feeling big!

[string_cheese]

Hi BBers, 

Tonight I am feeling lots of big feelings. I have changed medication recently, so that is probably why. But also, stuff happening in my relationships, family, work life and friendships. 

I am not great at actually feeling my feelings, or expressing them. It scares me. My brain starts telling me I am stupid. It is like I don't trust myself. 

Looking for advice and reassurance?

[therising]

Hi string_cheese

I think one of the toughest things to manage, regarding feelings, involves not being raised to better understand them while acknowledging how telling they can be. It's kinda like we're gradually conditioned out of feeling in certain ways. Just a few examples:

As a child: 'I'm stressed/worried about...'

Typical response: 'You'll be fine, stop worrying'

Ideal response: 'You're feeling some of your worry through your nervous system. Let's calm it down before we make better sense of what you're worried about'

As a child: 'That's not fair. Why can't I go to my friend's house?!'

Typical response: 'Don't question me, just do as you're told'

Ideal response: 'I know it doesn't feel fair. The reason you can't go is...'

As a child: 'I feel so sad'

Typical response: 'You'll be right. Everyone feels that way sometimes'

Ideal response: 'Do you know why you feel so sad?'

So, while legitimately feeling what stress, injustice and sadness feel like, it can all be dismissed while we're encouraged to suppress such feelings or ignore them. It's kind of like being led to develop the practice of dismissing, suppressing and ignoring and, as they say, practice makes perfect. Instead of being led to develop a good understanding of feelings, as a kid, we sometimes end up having to gain the understanding later in life. With the stress factor, it can perhaps be a matter of 'This is what fearful inner dialogue feels like and/or this is what fearful visions of worst case scenarios (generated through the imagination) feel like. Let's work on managing your inner dialogue and imagination'. With injustice, it could be 'This is what dismissiveness and a lack of reasoning and compassion on the part of another person feels like. Such feelings can be angering'. With a sense of sadness, it could be 'This is what a sense of heartbreak and/or disappointment feels like'.

Feelings can definitely be hard to express at times, for a whole variety of reasons: We maybe don't want to upset people (not wanting to feel their upset or anger or disappointment etc on top of our own feelings), we don't want our feelings to be dismissed (feeling a sense of rejection), we don't trust what we feel (self doubt/lack of confidence in our ability to feel) and so on.

As a 53yo gal, it's only been in the last handful of years that I've managed to gain a better understanding of my ability to feel, while also developing a greater sense of trust in what I feel. I imagine how different life would be if we were taught from a young age something along the lines of 'There will be hundreds of feelings throughout your life you'll need to gain a better sense of. Now go out and become sensitive enough to be able to identify them all. If you get stuck at any stage, look for someone who can help you gain a better sense. Whatever you do, don't become insensitive no matter what anyone tells you because then you won't be able to feel a damn thing'. 🙂

[string_cheese]

Hi @therising!

Thank you for your reply! I find it really validating to be honest. There were so many times in my life that I chose to suppress how I feel, or was actually told to suppress how I feel, in ways like how you have described. 

One thing a support person encouraged me to do was describing how things are feeling in my body. Thank you for reminding of that exercise. 

I also love what you said at the end of your post. It gives me hope. I definitely have some fear of rejection, and self doubt and a few of those things you mentioned, which can be a disincentive to sit with myself and my feelings. 

Thanks again for sharing

[therising]

Hi string_cheese

It's interesting, seeing feelings or emotions as a kind of 'body language'. It's hard to deny feelings because they're there as an energy in motion within the body that can be felt. It's like if I can feel someone bringing me down, I can't deny they're bringing me down. They can deny they're bringing me down all they want but it won't take away from the fact I can feel a sudden downshift within my body, like what you get in an elevator. Why what they've said or done is bringing me down is a whole other matter. There's also no denying we can feel inspiration as, again, a sudden shift-like feeling like in an elevator. With inspiration you can feel an upshift, as opposed to a downshift. We can feel people raising us. While medicine may define all those feelings through labeling them as specific chemical reactions within the body, I prefer to take it back to basics. Let's just call 'heartache' what it is or 'joy' what it is or 'love' or 'rage' or the feeling of 'degradation' what it is. Of course, there's definitely a need for medicine when heartache points to heart problems and rage is more about too much testosterone in a person's system for their own good.

While people may be inclined to say 'You're too sensitive' (meant as an insult), my thought can be 'It's not my fault I can sense easily. It's not my fault I can feel what's there. It's not my fault I can feel someone's words or their actions and it's not my fault I can feel how how someone feels (their sadness, judgement, stress, overwhelming joy, anger, arrogance etc)'. The only problem is I haven't fully mastered my ability to feel. Personally, I find it's so much easier to get along with sensitive people because they seriously good at sensing.

[string_cheese]

Fascinating. 

I also get along really well with sensitive people. I wonder what you think about the value of feelings? 

As I'm learning more about my own internal world and feeling my way through some hard stuff, I realise some of the reasons I discount my own feelings. It's partly related to what you said above about parenting and how people responded to me talking about how I feel as a teenager - it is also in part because I value being productive and contributing back to my community a lot. Sometimes it's hard to see feelings as anything other than just 'something that gets in the way'. 

[therising]

Hi string_cheese

I can be a little obsessed with feelings at times. I just have to know what a new feeling's all about, more so when it's a challenging one. Sometimes it can be an old one that I've never actually taken the time to identify in the past or else I simply was never led to consider that particular feeling. I think the obsession comes from realising that once I can identify certain feelings, I can move through them and what's causing them in easier ways. I think the obsession also comes from never wanting to return to long term depression again. I have a fear of long term depression. Working out what certain depressing and challenging feelings are really about stops me from returning. Plus, to be honest, I just love becoming more and more conscious about all the ways in which I can feel.

Certain feelings can definitely get in the way at times. I agree. How not to fear, how not to take things personally, how not to be too much of a people pleaser, how not to let all the feelings behind that stuff and more get in the way of function, joy, fearlessness etc can be a major challenge at times. We're all a work in progress, hey, feeling our way through all the learning curves and their roller coaster nature. 🙂