No reason to be depressed all the time

[ReeBecca]

For as long as I can remember, since I was a teenager, I’ve just never felt normal and I’ve always had this cloud of gloom hanging over me that I can’t shake. I do all the right things, I’ve been on medication for years, I exercise and I mostly eat right. I am so grateful for the life that I have. I have a loving husband and children and a good job and I know that even though we have our struggles we are extremely fortunate to have each other as well as a home/food/clothes. But for some reason I am just so sensitive and emotional to the things that go on in the world and feel depressed all the time. When I hear about horrible things or horrible people it really upsets me even when it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I feel let down by humans in a way and don’t feel like I can trust anyone other than my family. I know that if I didn’t have my family I would not be here anymore because I couldn’t live like this without having them as my reason to live.
Why doesn’t it go away no matter what I do? I put on a smile and go about being this functional person in society but it’s all a lie. Inside my head I’m struggling with every single daily task and interaction. I pray to god every single day to help me overcome my depression and anxiety and I think he does in so many ways. But I can’t overcome it completely and it’s exhausting. My husband and kids deserve so much better. 

[therising]

Hi ReeBecca

When I read your post, I could not help but feel for you so deeply, given the overwhelming struggles you face in this world. At the same time, I thought how blessed your family is to have such a deeply feeling sensitive person as a member. Every family needs a sensitive feeler.

While 'How are you feeling today?' may seem like a basic question that we typically give a basic response to, it can actually be far more than a basic question. 'How are you feeling today?' can be met with 'Well, I'm feeling through my nervous system. I'm feeling no one raising me (my spirits, consciousness etc) and I can feel some people actually stressing me or bringing me down. I can feel my lack of energy and it's feeling a little depressing to tell you the truth. I can feel what a depressing lack of dopamine feels like and what too much cortisol feels like. I can feel the disappointment in others and their stress. I can feel the dialogue coming from my inner critic. I can feel the impact of news media and all the injustices in this world...'. I could go on and on but you get the gist. To be a feeler or someone who's sensitive to feeling so much can become extremely stressful and incredibly exhausting, which helps explain why it needs to be managed so strategically.

When and how to switch onto feeling or when and how to switch off becomes skillful. How much to feel or how little to feel is also skillful (the volume factor). Who to feel for and who not to feel for is another skill. Discerning which kind of inner dialogue to listen to vs what not to listen to involves another skill set. The old 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other', with us stuck in the middle, can offer challenges. Who to get a feel for as being our best guide/s in life is another. The list goes on, in regard to mastering sensitivity (aka 'the ability to sense' or what some may refer to as 'the God given ability to sense').

I imagine, if you were to walk into a room filled with 100 people of all different natures, you'd eventually be able to tell me who's who. If I gave you a list of all the different natures and asked you to write down what number person (they'd have numbers on them) belongs to the nature on the paper, you'd come out of that room with more than a 90% accuracy rating. You'd be able to feel who is the depressing person, who's the highly stressful person, who's the painfully arrogant one, who's the charmer, who's the most inspiring person, who's the most soulful etc. You gotta admit, that's seriously impressive. That's one heck of an ability worth mastering. 😊❤️

[ReeBecca]

That is a really nice way of looking at it, thank you 🙂 I do wish I could learn how and when to shut it off sometimes. 

[therising]

Hi ReeBecca

'Sensitive Is The New Strong', by Anita Moorjani, could be a book of interest. Offers a different way of looking at things. Not everyone's cup of tea but it may be worth a sip.🙂

[ReeBecca]

Struggling today to be emotionally available to anyone today. 

[therising]

Hi ReeBecca

You're allowed to have these kinds of days. While they can feel disappointing, it's okay. No one really gives us permission to have really tough days and not a lot of people are going to say to us 'There's a really good reason for why you feel the way you do. Let's try and work out what the reason is'.

Personally, I'm a major cycler. Took me decades to finally work that out. At the top of the cycle, things are going pretty well. Then as I move clockwise, my reality shifts into me feeling how things are starting to go a bit south. Btw, logic dictates that as long as challenges are going to develop us, we're not going to stay on a high (out of challenges) forever. So, here is where things begin to continue going clockwise into a noticeable downshift. Half way 'round the cycle, there's a depression. Then, in the upward moving part of the 2nd half of the cycle, I isolate and ruminate over everything that's depressing me. I am definitely not emotionally available to others during this time. This is what I suppose you could call the chrysalis stage, all wrapped up as my emotions begin to transform me in some way. Through a lot of the depressing stuff and the anger and self resentment and more comes a revelation or 2 and something in me begins to come to life through the revelation/s. As it comes to life, I can feel myself rising into a new stage. With the cycle complete, I am back on some sort of high. Not necessarily a great high. Sometimes it can simply be about not feeling depressed. My isolation period is a part of my cycle. If I didn't experience it, I couldn't come out of that cycle. Sometimes I'm lucky, where I might have a friend or 2 sneak into my isolation and they sit with me and help me speed up the process, reaching revelations at a faster rate. That kind of person or those kinds of people are ones that say 'It's okay to feel the way you do. There's a reason for it. Let's work it out'.

It might sound strange but I'm happy to be a repetitive cycler. The alternative is seriously tough to live with. Having been stuck somewhere in that cycle for 15 years or so, in long term depression (when I was younger), is what has led me to feel grateful for much much shorter cycles. Whether they be a number of weeks or a number of months, knowing they'll end within a period is what reassures me that after every time of isolation comes a revelation. The major downshift in energy and the challenging inner dialogue would be 2 of the toughest part of the cycle, that's for sure. Who sits with us while we're in isolation or emotional unavailability can sometimes make all the difference. 🙂❤️

[ReeBecca]

Hi therising,

You’ve described exactly how I feel. I feel like I’m on this continuous cycle and I can feel it coming on. There is about 1 week out of each month where I feel quite good, not overly worried or anxious about anything and getting out and about. Then suddenly I can feel a shift and I just start sliding into my sad, emotional closed off frame of mind and I just want to sleep so I don’t have to be awake.

I am really grateful that I do always come out of it. It would just be good if I could work out how to level it out a bit more. 
Exercise helps me a lot, just walk and yoga, nothing too strenuous, but fitting it in can be challenging with 3 children, a husband and full time job that all need adequate attention. So I just fit it in where I can.

Thank you for responding and sharing your experience. I’m glad you have the high/good times in your cycle now too and you are no longer stuck. 

[therising]

Hi ReeBecca

Can definitely be hard trying to work out what each cycle's about. I've found that some familiar factors repeat and some cycles are based on new factors. In some cases, there can be a bit of both happening.

I suppose we can cycle through

• repetitive periods of exhaustion, where energy levels reach depressing levels. Then something in us may say 'You need down time, recovery time to restore you energy levels'. The recharge creates the high. From 'flat battery' mode to 'fully charged', the difference can be significant. 'Half charge' doesn't quite have the same feel as full
• chemical shifts (including hormonal shifts)
• other people's behaviour. We can be facing promises from others, that they're 'going to put more effort in'. They start with more effort before returning to old ways. I suppose you could call this 'the cycle of repetitive disappointment'
• our own behaviour. We can face promises from our self, that we're going to put more effort in. We can start with the best of intentions and the kind of effort that leads us to feel happy and really proud of our self, before we return to old ways and habits that just don't deliver the same energy or sense of joy
• periods of longing. When something in us comes to life, such as the adventurer, we can long for adventure. While exercising our imagination, we can develop visions of our self traveling to incredible places or relaxing retreats. The imagination can create a sense of joy, wonder, excitement and guidance. All of a sudden we might get distracted by all the things in life we need to be focusing on. This is where we may completely forget about what we were longing for, while being left to wonder why we feel so down
• managing different parts of our self. When the stresser in us is triggered big time, the carefree part of our self can fade into the background. When the analyst in us is triggered, the thoughtless parts of our self can also fade, leading to overthinking. When the parts of us that we experience joy through aren't driving us or creating a sense of drive, they tend to take a back seat. The question then becomes 'Who's driving this vehicle, this body and brain of mine?'. If only we could master channeling the problem solver or sage in us, nothing would remain a problem for long

Hard to always know exactly what the cycle's about. 🙂