Any help is appreciated

[Sparkle]

I (19F) am diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I'm not really sure when it started but I remember getting suicidal thoughts in year 7 and realising something was wrong. I have high functioning depression so my parents never really noticed. My depression got really bad two years ago and I remember multiple times actively planning suicide attempts. When I was younger, I remember my household was a mess where everyone was arguing every day. Currently, I'm doing a lot better as I only want to passively die instead of actively pursuing it. I know it's not that bad compared to some of the conditions that some people have but I have really bad chronic nausea and chronic stomach pain. All of these things combined with my parent's way of educating me (hitting me when I was younger - Asian household) has left me heavily scarred. My parents recently learned of my diagnoses in the last year and they've been trying to be supportive. I feel so incompetent because as a uni student, I get stressed a lot and am so scared of my depression getting worse again. My parent's ingrained in me when I was younger to never let anyone know you had a mental health problem because it would leave a black mark on your record. Last year, I followed the feedback of my parents and got a diagnosis of depression and anxiety from my GP and decided to meet a psychologist but I felt so uncomfortable the whole time. I've stopped going to those psychologist appointments since and have been self managing but I'm always so scared of my depression getting worse. I don't know what to do but I hate living my life this because I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. My mum always tells me that I should stop using my depression as an excuse for not being able to do things while my dad literally doesn't understand and always claims to be depressed. I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about my feelings in this household. I also feel like an asshole for this but I really don't like my dad touching me at all, which is really unfair to him since I let my mum hug me. I know it's not his fault but I'm scared of him since he was the one who did most of the hitting when I was younger. Every single time he touches me, I feel really uncomfortable. Both my mum and I have told him about my feelings and he says he will "try and not touch me as much as possible" but then still comes into my room at night to kiss me or randomly touch me or try and hug me (not in a sexual manner or anything). 

[therising]

Hi Sparkle

I love your chosen name. I imagine that's who you truly are, while aiming to find all the things that are going to fully bring that in you to life ✨

I have to say 19 is possibly smack bang in the middle of one of the toughest times in life, seriously tough. As a mum to a 21yo gal and a son who turns 19 this July, I feel so deeply for my kids just as I feel deeply for you. Now is the time where so much questioning begins, when it comes to finding new ways through life. Guides are key, especially when it comes to the darker or more depressing parts of our travels.

Over the years, I managed to find a different way of looking at depression and it's a way that has come to serve me well. I've learned to stop asking 'What's wrong with me?', when I feel depressed and have adopted the following questions instead, depending on the situation

• 'What can I not see that I need to see?'
• 'What can I not feel that I need to feel?' and
• 'What can I not hear that I need to hear?'

If we're great at seeing the way ahead in life, through our imagination, life can appear clear and brilliant. If something blocks us from seeing the way ahead, the challenge is to gain vision, as opposed to staying in the dark. This can be achieved through finding someone who can lead us to see what we need to see. Thanks to such a guide, it then becomes a matter of 'Not only can I clearly see the way ahead but I can now also see what the thing is that was blocking me'. Whether our visionary is a GP who can see the possibility of a depressing B12 or iron deficiency or they are someone who leads us to see a more soulful or mental kind of challenge for what it is, all depends on what the underlying cause of the depression is.

Similar thing applies to feeling and hearing. While you might be able to feel something depressing you, it's not always easy to pinpoint what all the feelings involved are really about. Finding someone who can help gain a better feel for what the depressing challenge is really about can become key. Then it can sound like 'Now that I have a better feel for all that's involved, I can work through these things and beyond them'. With the hearing aspect, I imagine there's a sage in you. If you were to ask the sage in you 'Why does my father hugging and kissing me trigger me so much?', what do you imagine that sage would say? Maybe 'For years, he conditioned you to fear his touch, something he's never taken full responsibility for (beginning with an apology)' or maybe 'He has no respect for your boundaries. Instead he's continuing to overstep physical boundaries based on what serves him'. Maybe your inner sage has something completely different to tell you.

With the 'falling apart' aspect, I imagine we're comprised of layers (added to us over the years, since we were born). We have a number of false beliefs that were imposed by others, a lot of labels given to us by society, family and friends, a lot of expectations to live up to, maybe some trauma added to the mix and so on. There can be such a heaviness to all those layers. As we delve more into the core of who we are, all that outside stuff (added to us over the years) starts naturally falling apart or breaking off. Dealing with and making sense of each piece can come with issues and challenges. Perhaps one of the greatest questions becomes 'Who am I, without all that stuff, without all the layers; who am I truly?'. Then begins the lifetime quest of self discovery.❤️