Anger depression

[CMF]

Hi does anyone suffer anger depression? I have depression and find that I feel so angry at the world and I have no tolerance of anything. I'm extremely aware of it and try to control it but can't. I just blow up, then feel more depressed and guilty because of my reaction. I yelled at a boy my son played sport against yesterday. I started the day great, He had a bit of attitude and the parent from his team was argumentative with us because of their error. When the boy showed attitude I just blew up. We did both apologise and I'm so regretful as it was a build up of other things that got to me but I just st can't take it anymore. I'm a single mum, 3 kids, manage 2 sports teams and cop crap from other parents who want to take their issues out on me.  I feel like a walking time bomb.

[CMF]

he rang today to see if I wanted to go out and do something.  it was lunchtime I was just about to feed the little one.  told him I wasn;t feeling great and didn't really feel like going anywhere, I had a bad night and a disagreement with my ex husband.  he rang back later he commented he hadn't seen the little one for a while, that I never ask him if he wants to go out and do something, that I never ask how he is etc. he hasn't wanted to be around us at times because of his anxiety which I understand.  when we do go out for a meal he sits there playing games on his phone, and if the little one cries or gets cranky he gets aggitated and moody. if we go out in the afternoon the little one falls asleep in the car and I end up sitting in the car while he gets out and does what he needs to do.  I explained all this, he said that I could make an effort to suggest catching up, that I havnt asked for 5 years (ive asked twice in the last 3 weeks and he declined - not feeling well and too busy)I told him that I am home every single night. I cant go anywhere as I have my two older kids with me and that he could come over any night of the week to see us if he wanted (he currently lives 2 streets away) he works every Saturday, he had a few weeks off as he is renovating his place but I didn't even know he took that time off until he rang one day and asked if I wanted to have lunch.  his place is across town, it was 1pm I didn't have time to get there, have lunch and get back to pick up my daughter.  he stays in bed till late, I told him there is not point going out in the afternoon as the little one falls asleep. he is right , idont communicate with him well but I am totally shut down which I have told him before.  I don't see why all the pressure is on me for him to see us, I think its  more so his parents can see her (he lives with them currently, I don't have much to do with them beacause of past issues) as he could come see us any day of the week. again -im the punching bag.  I told him its better I just don't associate with anyone anymore as it always goes bad he says I cant put everyone in the same category.  seems I have to accommodate everyone yet my depression is "lifestyle" issues not anything else.  I guess im just not worthy of a normal simple life.

[White_Rose]

Dear CMF

Life has taken a nose dive for you again. Being expected to cater for everyone is not good for you, physically or psychologically. I really urge you to see your GP and book a long appointment. He/she is in the best position to help you. If you are not happy with your doctor then scroll to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. This will take you to search facility where you can look for a GP by postcode. These GPs have experience in managing mental health issues.

It seems to me that your ex and current partner treat you with a great deal of disrespect. You are just a convenience to them and no one should be placed in this position. It's called bullying.

Part of the problem of depression is the belief that you have no value or rights. This is simply not true. Please let your GP refer you to a psychologist. I realise you have tried this before and felt it was not helpful. Maybe you had a poor psych. Some are not very good. Perhaps you went with the belief it would not work. In which case it probably will not work as you will just ignore what is said.

It's not just a matter of belief but of being willing to open up to the psych, listen to what is said and do the work they give you. You should be doing most of the talking with a few prompts from the psych. Ask questions about the way men in your life behave, how much is fair for you do, what the blokes' responsibilities are. In fact anything you want clarified. By talking about your way of life, as you have done above, you are revealing your difficulties and coping mechanisms. This is good as the psych can help you to see which are helpful and which are not. And more importantly, how to implement more effective ways of dealing with your life.

It takes time and hard work. It's not like going to the doctor for a prescription. Write down all the things that bother you and either read them to the psych or let him/her read them. You could copy this thread, or any parts of it, to you computer and print it out to take with you. I believe you would benefit from counselling such as this and be far more relaxed and content in your life.

I know this will not be easy, but something that improves your self-esteem, helps you make your own decisions, keeps you out of harms way and lets you concentrate on living a rewarding life with your children, is worth the effort.

Mary

[janazantar]

So glad you wrote this cause I absolutely feel this way quite often. I don't know if it's a sign I'm getting better or worse. Right now I'm furious at someone who a few days ago I felt really sad about. The anger comes on quick, so I completely understand the ticking time bomb feeling. I want to get rid of this anger and withdraw from the people who make me angry. I have a tendency to avoid emotion of all kinds since I was depressed for so long and when there were times I was coming back to vitality if I felt a little sad or some emotion got scared I was going to be depressed again and just didn't want to go through it again. Strange how quickly this disease makes you forget all moments of joy. I was in 'remission' for almost 2 yrs then I had a few days, weeks apart were I'd cry but feel better which was new. Only a couple of hours of crying, not weeks. I didn't fear straight away that it was depression again but over the last few weeks a nice big fat depression has fully kicked back in and with a vengeance that feels really quick. That tight chest feeling like someone is squeezing you from the inside and out, frantic to escape your own mind and just stop this crushing feeling and crying, no not crying gut retching sobbing in your car where you can be alone and telling yourself to stop being stupid - this is ridiculous -  you're out of control.  But once I started accepting I was depressed again I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do to help it along and try and get better. Very reluctantly of course cause I don't feel like it, I want to sit on the couch, close the curtains and turn off the lights but as my psychologist says you won't feel like doing them but you need to try - not big things just little stuff like go outside and look at the garden, maybe even walk around the garden - just try to get a little movement back so the cortisol will release a bit and free your mind so it can maybe be quiet for a moment.  I've only cried a few times this week (yeh) but today I got really angry.  I'm still trying to calm down but anger is better than despair so maybe it's not all bad. Writing it down helps rather than keeping me circling in that moment of anger - if it had hit while the person was around instead of via an e-mail I wouldn't have been so calm.  Sure you felt guilt for yelling at that boy but just remember there's more of us out there that have felt the same, done the same and today it would have been me if I hadn't already been home.

[T84]

Hello, I feel for you, I'm sorry I'm not good at giving out advice but I'd just like to say you're not alone. I'm pretty much empty 99% of the time and feel I have no purpose I get very upset over what other people think is barely an issue but they don't feel the anguish and sadness I feel. I've lost jobs, friends and family because of the way Iam, I always try but always let myself down. I hope things improve for you.

[CMF]

Hi T84,

Welcome to the forums. I am in a much better place at the moment, thx for caring.

How are you going. Do be gentle to yourself. You'll meet many wonderful people on the forums, hope to hear more from you.

Take care

Cmf x

[Anonym]

Dear CMF,

I have just read your posts. I too struggle with depression & terrible anger issues particularly with women. I grieve for the opportunities and potential friendships I have destroyed throughout my life. I really can relate to that trait which you clearly described as ugly; I don't like myself for that side of my personality either. I too am trying to take active steps to lessen this.

It's maybe a paradox but so often have I wanted to reach out to others (and particularly women) only to have this other awful side of me wreck things. I too recently yelled and shouted at someone because my hot buttons were being pressed. I tried my best to apologise but the damage was done. Yet again I lost and destroyed the chance to become friends with & possibly find closeness to someone. Later on in a private space alone, I cried and cried for the loss of this woman. I am not Australian born so the strong silent type of man as often espoused in Australia is not me at all. I believe in being honest; anger for me is likely driven by a sense of vulnerability and not weakness.

I crave closeness to women very much in an emotional & safety sense but I just push them away. I get angry because I never see myself as being anything but an immature child inside a 55 year old man's body.

Anger for me is driven by my own sense of failure & despair. I do at times lose all hope. Consequently I never expect to be taken seriously as a potential friend and subconsciously nudge things along to an abrupt end. I see other males round me who have confidence & assurance; I lack any of that. Anger is for me is also sadness & a sense of loss before it has even happened.

With this woman, I indeed tried to apologise. But this failed, and I have to accept my fault. It just doesn't make the sense of loss any easier to deal with.

This has been a real watershed experience; I find myself now trying to reach out to people - letting them know when or why I am upset before I reach for the anger button. I try to put things in the context of the depression talking; sometimes people will listen sometimes they won't so it's a bit of a gamble. As you rightly advise, reaching out and trying to talk to the person you are angry with helps - if they are willing to listen.

[Jac68]

I can relate to these feelings too!