Am I just lazy or is there something wrong with me?

[Tealover675]

Hi there, I don't know how to put this into good words but I feel like I just lost interest in most of the things and I've been feeling empty, hard to make myself do things for the past two years. Before that I wasn't that super active but I had routines and kept myself fairly busy most of the time.

It started from when I was studying at uni in Europe two years ago. Few months into the course I noticed that I was in constant stress (course work, not making any close friends, long distance relationship and homesickness etc) and I couldn't sleep at night at all. I'll wake up at 3am and I felt like someone was choking me. I struggle to do my course work and was constantly crying before/after lectures. I wasn't eating a lot and lost some weight. It got to the point that I couldn't handle things anymore and decided to live with my bf who is my husband now.

Things have become better after I left uni and started living with my husband. I can sleep, I'm not in a constant panicky mood or constantly crying but the emptiness and my motivation hasn't came back since then.

On my days off from work, I usually drop off my husband at the station and go back to bed. I just stay in there, nap or just mess around in general and I just can't get any motivation to get out from bed. I don't feel tired but I just don't want to do anything. I do "feel" like doing stuff but I can't be asked.

Just before my husband comes back from work, well of course I have to do things so that's when I finally get motivation to cook and clean. He does try to keep me company and come up with things that we can do together. That helps a lot to distract me from those empty feelings.

The funny thing is I am absolutely okay when I am working. I can wake up, get out from bed, go to work and work all day without having any negative feelings. Not that I love working but it definitely helps me get through the day.

I don't know if I'm just lazy, tired or if I'm depressed or something. I'm most likely fine when I'm doing things with my husband and working. It's just when I'm alone is when the emptiness hits me. I guess I should just call out some friends but even that I just can't be asked anymore.

[alwayshardonmyself]

Hi Tealover675,

I can't answer your question for you for sure but I'm replying to say that I know this exact feeling. I had a major bout of depression from January to November of 2017. I behaving in a similar way to what you're describing. I remember waking up one day and not feeling like that. I couldn't put my finger on anything that triggered that caused the change but I did notice the change in attitude and general confidence. One of the first things I notice when I'm not feeling depressed is that I clean my house. Sometimes, cleaning my house helps me not feel depressed. Certainly accomplished. I think I've begun another bout of depression in the last couple of weeks because I just don't want to do anything. I feel lazy but it's a different feeling to laziness. Lack of motivation. Summed up by "I just don't want to do anything"

[lpa101]

I know this feeling exactly! Without expectations and structure it's so hard to find any reason that's convincing enough to stimulate it!

For me, it's little incentives that work. I'm someone who loves gratification, so it's about setting up a reward system for it. If I get up and clean my room, I get to have a nice breakfast. Once the ball is rolling and I'm up, it gets so much easier to keep going.

May I ask if you have any hobbies? If you can find something riveting that you're passionate about, you might have reason enough to start having something to do! Even if it's a dance class, an art class, volunteering etc.

I'd also suggest seeing someone who you can get all of this out to, a psychologist/counsellor, if you feel comfortable with it. It can be daunting! But you may find that it helps in ways you don't expect.