Am I being unhealthy?

[PrincessMilktea]

So despite the fact that I'm posting this in the depression forum I'd consider myself a pretty happy person overall, I just didn't know where to post this and depression seemed like the best fit, so my apologies in advance. Basically, everything in my life is going great except for the fact that I seem to have lost the ability to emotionally connect with others. I've noticed that I fake my emotions often and pretend to be more interested/invested than I actually am in people because I either don't want to hurt their feelings, want to gain something from them, or I just feel a strong compulsion to behave normally to preserve my 'image'.

I'm averse to standing out in any way (good or bad) and go to great lengths to keep a low profile whether at work or uni or just my social circles. I feel anxiety from being noticeably different from others and thus will not let people know how apathetic I truly am on the inside. The irony is that I want to emotionally connect with others but I can't seem to genuinely feel anything for them, even though they're mostly amazing people and had I met them when I was younger I would have definitely felt close to them. I think this apathy stems from just my terrible past friendships, relationships and familial trauma. Over the years I've had to dissolve many close relations with people I've cared deeply for and now I'm starting to think I'm emotionally burnt out as a result. This is going to sound sociopathic but I view like 90% of the people in my life as disposable. I know I feel next to nothing for most of them and that the only reason I'm not a full-blown sociopath is because I have enough empathy and integrity to realise they deserve to be treated better and I would feel terribly guilty for hurting them, so I treat them with compassion, commitment, support and 'perform' my duties in whatever capacity they need me to be.

I don't know if I should continue down this current trajectory or make an attempt to 'feel' again. It's not that much of an issue but nonethless it alarms me, and I wonder if it warrants going back to therapy. I apologise if my problems seem trivial in comparison to a lot of people here struggling with depression, I hope I haven't offended anyone and that my internal verbiage isn't too difficult to follow. I'd appreciate any insight/advice.

[PrincessMilktea]

Hey Mary sorry for the late reply, and yeah I'll probably just continue with my current lifestyle and see where it gets me.

Curiously, I had a discussion about this with a friend the other night and she told me she didn't trust anybody but herself and that this hasn't gotten in the way of her happiness. I found it absurd that she could feel emotional intimacy without trust, but she said it can be done and that she still enjoys herself.

I figure it's similar enough to my account of things, that I may not truly feel that deeply for people but that I could still theoretically enjoy myself nonetheless. I don't think that needs to change necessarily, I think the only reason it can be inconvenient is when people ask me if I really care for or love them, I always end up having to lie and feeling guilty about it afterwards, while also acknowledging that it was probably kinder to lie.

On a side note, have you ever heard of Dunbar's number? It's the theory that people can only comfortably maintain about 150-250 stable relationships at any given time before resorting to dehumanizing hierarchies to account for each subsequent person in their life. Military units, companies to be precise, are of that strength due to this concept.

I found it interesting because I must've emotionally connected with well over 200 people in my life and thus it would explain why it's harder for me to get emotionally attached the older I get.

I've determined emotions must be rationed and doled out wisely, similar to your discovery about your compassion overload. In the end, we're not built with an infinite reservoir for love and compassion and these inherent limitations are just all too human.

[PrincessMilktea]

Hey tranzcrybe, I've tried being the real me and its just always led to unsatisfactory results, hence the need for an alter ego in the first place. You're right about needing to be who I am instead of hiding if I want any lasting friendship/relationship to take hold.

There are seldom few I can trust to be myself around without worrying I'd scare them off, but unless those people are more common in my life I guess I'm just not looking for anything lasting. I'd say I'm not really looking at all, more that I happen upon people who end up being a part of my life whether it's short or long-term and I'm just trying to reconcile my lack of feeling with my paradoxical desire to connect emotionally with others.

I've decided I'll just stay the way that I am as it's not immediately making me unhappy, and I'll just deal with the repercussions of being fake as they come, since I can't seem to have it both ways. Thanks for your input though, its helped me frame important questions to myself.

[Leigh1987]

I am sorry you are struggling with this issue. My view differs from most expressed here so I thought I would chime in.

I think you are utterly normal! It is commonplace to keep ones true views and personality under wraps in order to get along with others. This is particularly true in professional settings.

It is also normal to behave out of a sense of obligation or duty. For example I hate weddings, frankly the expense and overt romance makes me uncomfortable. But when a friend invites me to theirs I strap on my heels ( I hate heels too) and off I go. I do this because I believe I benefit from the friendship and wish to preserve and develop it.

This seems like a cold and calculating approach to interpersonal relationships and situations but it is the typical cost vs benefit assessment we constantly apply to our lives.

I think the main thing that matures as we age is our self awareness. We probably behaved and thought the same way when we were younger but were less cognizant of it.

Much of my social behaviour day to day is designed to promote harmony and minimise conflict because this makes life easier and more pleasant. It is also why alone time is so important. It's so relaxing to finally let that mask slip off at the end of the day.

So I think you are utterly healthy and utterly human.

I leave you with a quote that really resonated with me from Dexter "people fake most human interactions. I feel like I fake all of them and that I am really good at it"

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Milktea,

"I've tried being the real me and its just always led to unsatisfactory results"

- Maybe the 'real you' just hasn't had enough practice?

Sometimes it's good to be wrong... or vulnerable, for the benefit of your personal growth. We only have one lifetime to learn who we are, but it's not obligatory, and freedom of choice is part of that journey.

I feel your 'public face' only attracts those to whom you do not care for because they gravitate toward the perception of understanding or competence you display - contrary to the fact. Whereas those who would enjoy your true personality, are probably turned away, never knowing the chance for engaging conversation between like minds or mutual interests.

My question is: Are you burning those bridges and dismissing the remaining 10% (which I believe is a much greater proportion than that)?

But I truly appreciate your clear understanding of what works for you, and offer you my thanks for expressing yourself with such frankness and meticulous detail (although now I am not sure if that was the real you or... never mind).

Kind regards,

t.

[Antelope9]

This is a really thought provoking post.

You know what, I think I have about 2 people in my life who I can hold an intelligent conversation with. My opinions- my passion for human rights, psychology, and socialism is not the norm. In all honesty, people do bore me a lot of the time. Like yourself, I adhere to social etiquette, but I never back down from what I value and what I believe in just to save face. Sometimes this means being direct, and I love direct. In fact, the people who inspire me the most are direct!

I tune out a lot. What I have learnt about this tuning out (for me) is that I get to fully detach from how I feel, or, from the feelings that are being stirred up in me from the interaction with whomever.

Sometimes we grow out of friendships, and that is absolutely okay. Sometimes in life there are periods of emotional unavailability and we just do not have the emotional resources for others-also absolutely okay.

I suppose you sort of go with your gut feeling? Do you intuitively know there is something really off about the way you feel towards others? Perhaps some meditation may get you a bit more in tune with exactly what it is that causes you to feel so disconnected. I like to listen to Tara Brach.

I hope something here helped

[White_Rose]

Hello PM

Thanks for your response. I had not heard of Dunbar's number but it sounds interesting. I may ask that fount of all knowledge, Mr Google.

Seriously though I gather from your description and comment that you are looking at all the people/relationships you have had. It seems to me Dunbar's theory means 150-250 relationships at any one time. Friends come and go in our lives and relationships change. Dunbar's theory is based on the number of people who work well together in a factory. These people would have other relationships outside work which could mean they go well over the number postulated by Dunbar.

Having this number of people in your life sounds overwhelming but in the factory example everyone does not necessarily interact with everyone else. Work areas stand alone and I suspect that many of the people never know or speak to the majority of other workers. So if you found another job all those at the old job would fade out of your life. (Though possibility you may keep up with one or two.) The relationships would be fairly superficial.

Simply meeting and knowing them in a general sense does not mean a relationship will develop. You main area of interest would still be on family and friends who you choose to be with. That's where I think Dunbar has not made it clear what constitute a relationship.

Mary

[PrincessMilktea]

Hey tranzcrybe

You've hit the nail right on the head about attracting the wrong people and repelling the right people by being fake. It's a sacrifice I've been willing to make after weighing the pros and cons, and the biggest con, as you've done well to point out, is the stunted personal growth.

I think I actually shuddered when you suggested being vulnerable. Been there, done that, worked out terribly and now I've got major trust issues and an exhaustive litmus test for anyone entering my life. Also, Tim Tams, I do the Tim Tam Slam whenever shit gets too real.

I think I mentioned having experienced a lot of trauma and people-issues in the past, its probably led to arrested development as a child which would explain why I'm struggling with my emotions.

Honestly, the more emotionally/socially intelligent I become, the less I like people. Now that I get how they work, frankly, they disgust me. Probably should've changed my username to Miss Anthrope or something equally broody.

Also, I'm totes being real with you, of course I am, why wouldn't I be? You know I'd never lie to you 😉

[PrincessMilktea]

Hey Antelope, are you me sans the socialism? 😄

Honestly a lot of my edumacated friends are into socialism and the moment I share a commie meme referencing the gulag or Stalin they talk my ear off about dialectical materialism and the evil plot of capitalism. It's jokes. I appreciate their passion.

As for your questions, yeah I intuitively know there is something really off about the way I feel towards others. Have you heard of depersonalisation? Its basically what I go through in the moments I'm supposed to feel emotional. Can't really explain it. Just that's a bizarre experience. I've tried meditation but I'm one of those people who find it inaccessible.

Cheers for reaching out though, got me thinking.

[PrincessMilktea]

Hi Mary, yes you're correct, Dunbar's number applies to one's given relationships with a certain number of people at any one time, I did make the mistake of lumping my previous relationships into this number. Thanks for pointing it out to me, I'll have to go back and recalibrate.

However you'd be incorrect in saying that it's based on work relationships, it's more a measurement of our emotional bandwidth for any type of relationship, which is quantified to 150-250. I think my number is a lot less than that, maybe that explains why I struggle more with it.

[PrincessMilktea]

Hey Leigh, thanks for chiming in, it's really nice to hear an alternative opinion.

When you quoted Dexter I found myself nodding along and it was all fun and games until I remembered Dexter is a sociopathic serial killer and finding moral wisdom in his worldview means I should probably reevaluate my life lol. But in all seriousness, I think you've raised some salient points and honestly, if we're not harming anyone what's the fuss?

I really agree with the bit about conducting constant cost-benefit analysis in our lives, this is somewhat unrelated but I'm like the least angry person I know. I think it's precisely because I deal so much in calculations and analysis that it's incredibly easy to keep calm and aplomb while most others work themselves into a conniption.

Is it vaguely robotic and unnatural? Maybe. Is it also incredibly useful in a pinch? Definitely.