Alone With Myself

[Soraya_M_]

Hello, I'm new here. Not sure where to start, so will just start.

I'm 58, a wife and mother to 6 healthy, beautiful kids. Married for 37 years, still in love to a 'blokey' Aussie guy.

My husband goes away for work 4 days a week. Our 4 girls are grown and flew the nest years ago. We still have two 17 and 14 year old sons at home. I left my teaching job 5 years ago, due to Major Depressive Disorder/Anxiety/PTSD/Adrenalin Burnout. I needed peace and a quiet life, plus medication. We relocated to a country area 20 mins from town. I have been fairly content, though we are 3 hours from our girls, so with their busy lives, we don't get to see them often.

I can't really explain why, but I find myself in depression again. I feel so lonely. My boys are typical teenagers and computer gamers, so rarely get any conversation from them. My husband isn't much of a talker either. We are fairly isolated, but I don't have any desire to go out in the world and prefer my pets to most people. The anxiety/depression has me up all night and I then sleep most of the day and have zero energy. My anxiety has me ruminating about everything, especially the future.

The girls have left home, and my career, was my 'empty nest' plan. I always knew I would be very sad when the kids grew up. I thought I would have my job to keep me busy and happy. Without my kids and my job, I don't know who I am anymore. My husband and I have a stressful marriage, as he has these binges over-self medicating and in the past binge drinking. I feel on edge most of the time, because it's like a roller coaster, you know the drop will come eventually. He is currently having counselling himself, which I hope will help him change his behaviours. We love each other dearly, despite the ups and downs and I can't imagine life without him, which is another thing I worry over constantly. He keeps reminding me that we are getting old and is very negative about it, which stresses me out.

So, here I am alone with myself and my thoughts. Logically, I know all the things I should be doing (exercise, get out, hobbies) but I hate exercise and don't want to be with people, have no energy. I have no friends (work was my social world) and no desire to make friends. I can't work due to other health issues. I feel overwhelmed by my sadness and loneliness. My GP of 17 years is 3 hours away and I don't like the GPs here. I wake up each day thinking, 'is this all there is now?' The black dog sits beside me again.

Soraya 😞

[quirkywords]

Soraya,

Welcome to the forum. this is a friendly, caring and supportive place.

Thanks for your post explaining how you feel and your situation..

Many people reading this will be able to relate to your loneliness and depression.

Depression can be cruel and it does not care where you are living or what you are doing.

I can understand how important teaching was to you and the people you met there as I was a teacher.

I know you said you don’t want to be with people but have you ever considered doing voluntary work in a school or a community centre. maybe you are not up to that now but even in a town there would be an opportunity even for one day a week to be involve in an educational environment.

if this is not suitable maybe there is something you have have wanted to do like writing or art ? I realise when one is depressed one hasn’t not the energy to do anything but there are ideas that maybe be worth considering again if you have already thought of them.

I know you miss you work as a teacher and I can see you would have so many skills you could still impart to others whether it be children or adults

Please feel free to keep,posting here .

Take care

Quirky n