Advice or friendly ear

[Minion]

Hi people. I'm having a rough time and thought I should attempt to seek help while I'm not in denial. I've spent my life looking after people with mental health issues, personally, I was even studying to make it my career. My partner had several suicide attempts before an amazing two years where he rebuilt and became the strongest person i know. Unfortunately I find myself lost because I don't need to take care of him anymore (not a conscious activity on my behalf) I have slowly lost my way over the last 18 months I guess, although I'm not sure I was ever particularly stable, never in a happy place, more numb. I know what I should do in my situation, from life experience with my partner and my psychologist training I started, I need help because everyone has bad times etc. however my brain and the rest of me seem to be ignoring each other. I rate 34 on a k10, consider self harm or passing thoughts about not being around (nothing acted on). I plaster a fake facade to get through work but the energy it takes is extraordinary, and when my obligations are met I fall in a heap and am unable to even cook tea most of the time. My house is a disgusting mess, I don't pay enough attention to my wonderful son, and although my partner and I have always been best friends, I wonder when he will finally leave me because I don't fully satisfy marital issues (although he says of course I do and he'd never leave). I stopped studying because it was easier to work (minimum wage type) and because I feel too exhausted to deal with other people's problems but my exhaustion is no better. I can't take time off because I work for family who can't manage without me. Little voice in my head says I did that deliberately albeit unconsciously. My self worth has never been great but is equal to the kitty litter tray right now, and the only time I feel better is lying in bed with my cat for company because he doesn't need me to act a certain way. My partner tries to be supportive but I feel disconnected from him because he has his life together. I don't want to take medication because I feel that makes others see that I'm an unfit parent and I worry about my son being taken away from me. I don't know how to see a counsellor because I'm not sure I'm strong enough to take any more home truths about how screwed up i am. Rationally I know things need to change and I need to change them but realistically I'm so tired. And feel so useless and lost. And sad. 

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[White_Rose]

Dear Minion

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you have found the energy to write in here and tell us your story.

Your partner has been in your position and recovered, so why would you think he will not support you and will leave you? You have acknowledged you are in a bad place and that you need help. We all know how hard this can be and how exhausted we feel when we are depressed. But you know life can be turned around and there are people who can help you do this.

As you know from your studies, a psychologist is not there to tell you home truths. He/she is there to help you explore your pain, at your own pace, and learn how to heal. I realise this a  simplistic description, but it is essentially correct.

The biggest thing that jumped out at me from your post is your desire to help others. It is a great and compassionate ambition and also gives a huge amount of satisfaction and reward. The down side to this is the compassion overload experienced by many people, even in the mental health profession. Ask any psych or counsellor if they get tired at times and I'm certain they will say yes. Their strength is the training they receive in protecting their own mental health to avoid collapsing.

You no longer need to help and support your partner as he can manage on his own. This is similar to a mother watching her child leave home and make his/her own way in world. Mom is proud of her child, pleased her child has learned to care for themselves and a bit sad that her baby has flown the nest. There is also a hole in her life that was filled with child care.

Many parents, and mothers in particular, become a little down when they realise they have become empty-nesters. Often they do as you have done and throw themselves into other activities. The difference is that your partner's depression took a great deal of support while a child's needs, in general, are reducing. So you have gone from being a complete carer, so to speak, to an empty-nester almost overnight. And this is hard to come to terms with.

I suspect you are over compensating for the huge change and need to take a realistic look at your activities. Caring for yourself for a while is not a sign of weakness.

Go to your GP and ask for help. If every mother who took antidepressants was considered a bad mother many families would be in trouble. Look after yourself for a while and stop caring for the other family. They will find another carer.

Write in again and I will expand on my reply if you wish.

Mary

[pipsy]

Hi.  You sound extremely tired and worn out.  You've spent all your life 'being there' for everyone but you.  I presume you left school and went straight into mental health care.  Very wearying.  I think you need to take 'time out' to 'recharge your batteries'.  You have given everything to everyone until there's nothing left.  Maybe you did take a job looking after another family for the wrong reasons, only you know if that's true.  You do have a supportive partner and a wonderful son, but I feel you need to reconnect with 'you'.  Maybe you have become desensitized due to too much giving.  There is only so much you can give, you need to 'take'.  Maybe a leave of absence or long service leave wouldn't go astray.  This other family would have to survive if you hadn't come along, the sky won't fall in if you take some well deserved 'time out'.   I can't advise about meds, I'm not qualified, but, maybe a mild sedative to help relax you.  Talk to a .G.P, your child won't be taken away, just because you need 'time out'.  Things would have to be really bad before that would happen.  You're a good person in that you recognize you need help.          

[Minion]

Hi Mary, thanks for your reply. I guess I feel like my partner won't remember what it feels like, the hospitals doped him to his eyeballs so he remembers what I've told him and not a lot else. I've always been there for him in varying degrees, including when he was hospitalised and no one else could get out of their own way, so I am finding it incredibly difficult to be the weak one to this extend. I think I would get worse if I don't have something constructive to focus on (like work) We often talk about bad days and bad moods but this feels different. Your empty nest comparison feels very accurate. I often find myself wondering who i am now because he doesn't need me championing for him, and I'm not sure what is left behind after 15 years looking after him and the prior years looking after my mum.

The most helpful psychologist I've ever seen only got through to me with a shock tactic I guess. I've never done cbt or other therapies myself so while I know they work in theory it feels hard to remember when all i want to do is sleep. Honestly that's one of the worst bits, I feel like it's harder because I know what I should be doing and why those tactics work but I can't seem to get there.

i find that I can't think about becoming a psychologist anymore. I have turned so negative over the last few years that all I see is the worst in people and how they could screw me over. Which is horrible because I was always the opposite, and I wonder if that is a part of my dark cloud. I will be making a gp appointment as soon as they open Tuesday, because I am aware it's worse this time than I can remember it being before.

thankyou again for your contact. I hadn't thought of things quite that way. I'm always a thinker at heart so it helps to understand the whys as much as possible.

[White_Rose]

Dear Minion

Lovely to hear from you. You've given up your psychology studies and that's OK. You may return to them one day, but in the meantime, focus on yourself.

I understand what you mean by being the weak one in your relationship.  While we both know that's not really the case it can seem that way. Your partner is managing his depression well at the moment and you are struggling. It is not a matter of being weak or strong but of learning a new way of managing. And that often takes time and effort.

You are exhausted by your struggles and need to do what my psych has often told me. Listen to your body, what is it telling you. I think you are being told to rest. Stay in bed half the day or get up, do something and go back to bed. Let your body heal because this is the start of your mind healing.

I understand it is scary to let go of something that gives you satisfaction and pleasure. During the past three weeks I have needed to go to hospital every weekday for treatment. A wonderful group of people have driven me there everyday. At first I felt relief, then that I was imposing on them, then a realisation that I was surrounded and cocooned in love and care. It dawned on me that people really cared about me and that was such a wonderful experience.

It's your time to be wrapped in love and care. Put up your hand and ask for your friends to visit or phone you for short periods and tell them why you are asking. Tell them when you are getting tired and they can leave. Let them fuss over you, take you for a drive, cook a meal perhaps or any of those things that show we care about someone. I know you will want to entertain them if they visit but let them make the tea etc. At first it will seem awkward I know but try to relax and let it happen. Your partner needs to pamper you a little.

It seems wrong because you are used to being the carer, but all carers need a rest and to be taken care of. You can even think of it as giving your friends and family the opportunity to repay your past generosity. Just as you have been rewarded by caring for others, let your friends experience the joy of caring for you. Drink lots of water and eat fruit and veges. You know the routine.

If you want or need something to focus on, start a jigsaw puzzle or some activity that will occupy your mind and hands. I embroider and make clothes for my grandchildren.

At the top of the page go to Resources/Family and Friends/Caring for someone with depression. Lots of good advice there.

Mary