3 times

[Mycompassion]

Hi

3 times I have had depression in life. 18 year old moving out of family home, 26 when my (8 year relationship with partner) finished and 37 when covid started and my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer and died 10 months later. It's tough! At times I am so exhausted with life but I battle on. On mild medication now for the last visit of depression as I got to the point of not functioning well at all. I love life but feel so tired at times. I have thought of suicide a couple of times (18 and 37 year old) but I have a strong belief I am TOO GOOD for that. I do love me more than i can describe. Self care is critical. Thanks for reading xx

[therising]

Hi Mycompassion

I truly feel so deeply you as you face such an incredible battle to move forward with the kind of energy and perspective you're so desperate to gain. To hear how much you love yourself is both truly beautiful and reassuring, as one of the hardest things to achieve in depression is maintaining a sense of self love.

My heart goes out to you with you having faced the loss of your husband. I wish there was something I could say to make that easier. Although I know no words can make up for your loss, I simply offer the words I gave to my 20yo daughter's boyfriend of a year and a half. While his father suddenly passed at the age of 50 a few weeks back (from a heart attack), this young man said to me 'I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel I should be grieving more'. Btw, his dad was a truly amazing man and one of his best friends. As I said to him 'You don't know how to live without him. You will learn each day. Some days you'll learn the importance of continuing to laugh with friends. Some days you'll learn how to go out to work and manage focusing. Some days you'll stay at home and recall him fondly with a smile or vent intensely through tears. You'll learn and, in the meantime, know that I will be loving you the whole time while you learn'.

Mycompassion, is it possible you are learning how incredibly exhausting everything has truly been over the last few years, on so many levels? Perhaps that involves periods of intense emotional release (crying it out), having to regularly change your mind while trying to find new ways to live without your husband (mental exhaustion), having not yet found new ways to energise yourself, holding onto a lot of tension that's maybe unrecognised, having worked so hard on helping your husband through the worst time of his life while also trying to manage your own challenges that came with that (among covid lockdowns) and the list goes on. While a lot of that points to reasons for mental exhaustion, what the body can be put through at incredibly testing times can also be exhausting. What the nervous system faces, the vascular system and every other system in the body. Chemically, a depressing lack of the kinds of chemistry that can charge us up in a number of ways can have such an impact too.

While I'm a mind/body/spirit kind of gal, I find the soulful side can at times be the most telling. With that aspect involving so much when it comes to how we feel life, the question can sometimes be 'What am I feeling?'. Some may say 'numb', some may say 'empty', some may say 'I am feeling 'pure exhaustion' and I don't know how to manage life in 'flat battery' mode. No one has ever shown me how to recharge under such incredibly overwhelming circumstances that I have never faced before'.

[Mycompassion]

Hi

Inspiring words, thanks. Yes it is day by day but as time goes on the grief softens. It will never leave but at least you can grow around it. It really is an amazing journey grief with so much to learn. I love learning about mental health so really I am in a good position to understand and gradually move forward. Very important to share the story as it helps yourself and others. Self care and self love extremely high on my list of healing. Doing ok...

[therising]

Hi Mycompassion

Definitely important to share our experiences and connect through feelings while also sharing what works, what doesn't and so much more.

Mental health is definitely a fascinating topic. I think many of us tend not to look into it unless where desperate to find some way forward or we're studying for a qualification in that area. Myself, I began delving so as not to return to long term depression. I can better manage periods in depression because of the breaks in between. The breaks give me time to analyse and make sense of what each depressing challenge was really about. Long term is a shocker that's testing on so many levels, especially when it comes to endurance.

I figure, from a soulful kind of perspective, if I have this processor or computer up in my head that processes and computes everything from my heart rate through to my thoughts and beliefs and I have this body that'll do 1000s of incredible things if I direct it and it's fit enough, why would I not want to know how a lot of that stuff works?

My mum actually said to me the other day 'Why don't you read a normal book?'. I smiled with the response 'I love finding out how I work'. I'm often quite stunned. Reading 'Vagus Nerve Secrets' by Maria Hampton. Interesting how the vagus nerve ties in with our physical wellbeing and our mental wellbeing. We really are truly amazing and fascinating creatures. We're a miracle 🙂