Expat failure to fit in

[purplehat123]

I am really struggling.  My mum was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago.    I left Australia with my family in tow to care for her.  I have a sibling, however her care was completely handballed to me. At the time I coped. Thing is, despite the circumstances I really enjoyed being home, I had my friends, a tough job but with some great colleagues.  Whilst things annoyed me, I was happy most of the time.  My husband is Australian.  We returned back here once the borders opened.  I failed to slot in to my old life despite reaching out to old groups and trying and inviting.  They moved on to bigger and better things, bigger homes and I just didn’t fit the narrative anymore and would hear about it too.  One of my old mum group people saw me in a shopping Centre and did everything to avoid me, turning her head into a shop window.  I am friendly and kind and have tried and tried within the school community too.  One kid proudly declared to my little one, my mum said you are not my friend.  We held a big party for my other little one (party bags, not with the usual cheap toys arranged, included and a paid for activity). Neighbours said they’d be there but didn’t show, weren’t bothered either sending a text or dropping a note through the door.  We used this an excuse to be fully inclusive, integrate with the parents too and it didn’t work - my kids are still excluded months on.  This weekend at someone’s house, I was accused of coming onto their husband, he had taken his kid to a birthday party where I had innocently chatted away (wouldn’t touch with a ten foot barge pole). Other mums give out about others kids behind their backs…innocent kids…the other parents aligning themselves with others who will be sending their kids to private school.  Some days parents will talk to you, other days they will pretend you don’t exist.  I am so tired of the constant superficial meaningless chatter and failure to connect/meetup.   I have no friends here.  Despite the boom, I have applied for over 200 jobs (rejected each time), I have a Level 9 qualification with 20 years experience.  Currently seeing a psychologist and GP has prescribed meds (on antibiotics so haven’t started, my husband doesn’t want me using them). I have been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety.  I have hit rock bottom and don’t know how to get up….Life in Australia is obviously not for me and it’s quite clear I don’t fit in here, I am tired trying and incredibly lonely with the added bonus of depression and anxiety which I never had.  My husband wants to stay as it’s a better place for the kids.  

[David35]

Sounds like you are mixing with people I would call "snobs". People who think they are better than you. It's an artificial way of feeling good about themselves. I live in an affluent suburb here and even here we get it. Some people just think their farts smell like roses! It sounds like you have old-school values, which is a compliment. Things like loyalty, friendship, family, etc. These values are declining in today's society as people try harder and harder to impress others. What about volunteer groups? Sometimes they can have warm friendly people?

[tranzcrybe]

A few things can change the way we see the world and your upheaval to care for your mum brings with it some inner turmoil and stresses in juxtaposing happy and sad times in your home country.
Despite this, we seem to carry on as if everything is expected to be (and seamlessly return to) normal whereas the world has a way of continuing (and accelerating) its outward trajectory. On this understanding, the contents just won't fit back into the packaging and we can cause ourselves more harm than good from persisting.
There are probably other factors that have negatively impacted your relationship with peers but I wonder if this was more often the case and that only now you have found the clarity to see things for what they really are.
Life's trials can bring a certain wisdom to rise above the mire of superficiality, and while this can seem unpleasant, it is a sign that you have outgrown the trivial banter, foibles, and facade of present company.
Take this positively as you find a group to truly connect with. Personally, I think this lot are only holding you back.

[Sialani]

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling and being treated. I couldn't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I can understand the stress and pressure it must have put on you to make and live the life choices you have now for your family. I would think these other people are not worth your time space or energy. The world is filled with fake ungrateful people who seem to like to make other people feel a type of way about themselves and trust me you are better off without them in your life and your children's life. I would reach out to support groups or ask your psychologist or look online for groups in your area that you could meet with people who are having similar experiences or just groups to connect with. There are so many people out their willing to make a difference in other people's lives and make them feel seen and heard and valued and that is something you need and to surround yourself with not fake people who say one thing and do another or act like you aren't enough as a person. I'm here to listen and talk and also if you like be a friend as i understand what its like to look after a sick mother and have no friends and people treat you like you are nothing and feel depressed and anxious, but with years of feeling this way i have grown a lot stronger and able to support and help people like yourself who feel this way and i want you to know you are not alone.

[indigo22]

Hi purplehat123,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry to hear that you are being treated this way.

The first thing I would like to say is that you are the one with depression and anxiety, not your husband, it is up to you and you alone to decide whether or not to take the medication prescribed. You say you are at rock bottom and there is every chance that medication could help to pull you out of that dark place. I have been on anti-depressants for 20 years, without them, I sink back into the black hole so I would advise you to give your decision a lot of thought. Clearly the people you are trying to communicate with and socialise with, are not worth all your efforts and as the other members have said, you are better off looking further afield for like minded people. Think about something you enjoy doing (that may be tennis, reading, craft, art, lead lighting, sewing or any number of things) and when you have done that, have a look online or on facebook and see if there is a group or club in your area that you could be become part of and make friends with people with similar interests. I wish you well and you will always be welcome here.

Take care,

indigo22