What drives you to keep going?

[nicedae]

Hi there, 

I hope you’re well & that today has gone well for you.
 

This is my first time posting here, and I guess it’s because I’ve hit a roadblock. A mental roadblock one could call it. 
 

I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety 8 years ago. Initially counselling helped a lot, for a few years I was genuinely happy. 

Around 2 years ago however my mental health took a huge turn, mainly due to anxiety issues, I was prescribed antidepressant and that’s been amazing. Anxiety issues are essentially gone. (10mg, daily)

However over the last few months, depression has really begun to set it, I don’t feel worthless or anything like that, just empty. I don’t have a strong relationship with my parents, they separated when I was 8 (I’m now 24) and they’ve both decided life is better exploring their own paths. 
 

I’ve made peace with that, I still respect & love them so much. I do miss them however - quite a lot. (There’s no bad blood between us, they are just encapsulated in their own lives & seemingly have lost interest in  me.) 

I have an incredible support network, that I don’t utilise. I just can’t and it’s not a pride or ego related issue. It’s more to do with not wanting to burden one with my problems, I don’t know how to get over that. but I digress. 
 

The issue now is that no matter how much I progress in my career, physical activity, relationships, or personal endeavours - the depression does not fade. (I don’t expect it to, and I understand mindset is a significant factor, but I am 100% a glass half full kinda guy.) 

I do not have high wants or needs in my life, I live quite minimalistic in a sense mainly to keep things simple. I am literally beyond grateful just to have been born & raised in such a beautiful country. 
 

I must admit I have considered ending it, I won’t deny that, but I do love life so much. I enjoy helping others, and that alone is enough to keep me around, at least for a while. 

My question for you today is, how do you keep going? What internal factors motivate you to move forward. 
 

I’ve hit a point now where I am not sure if that drive is within me to keep pushing. What also gets me down is that plenty of us feel like this, all for our own individual reasons. 
 

I’m not certain if this makes complete sense, but would it be reasonable to seek assistance from a professional? 
 

Thank you in advance, I really appreciate any input 

[David35]

I've felt everything you're currently feeling. One thing I've learnt in life is that we only want to live as much as other people want us in their life, whether it's at home, at work, at the local club. I'm on a centrelink DSP and one of the struggles I've had is feeling connected, useful to society. I've felt useful in looking after mum when she had cancer, dad when he he was sick with cancer. I have a woodworking hobby. Sometimes I just donate stuff I've built. Other times I sell it at cost price. Even though I don't make much money, we'll I make a loss really when you consider the equipment, I still get a thank you by someone. So the question I would ask is who is thanking you for being here?

[therising]

Hi nicedae

Feeling our self standing still and not evolving in some exciting way can be so tormenting at times and even depressing. While you face the challenge to move forward in a number of ways, my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you came here, as a stepping stone.

As a 52yo gal who's just spent the last 6 months in a dysfunctional and unmotivated state of 'I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing', I can say first hand that it can definitely become depressing after a while. From a mind and body perspective, the internal dialogue can really begin to shift (and not in a good way) while a depressing lack of dopamine from any kind of high or sense of achievement can be felt in a number of ways. With mind and body being factors, I believe the soulful side can be a major factor at times too...

I think we're designed to feel our self evolving in soulful ways. I also think most of us have a seer in us, an aspect that can easily see the way forward at times. So, when we're not evolving and we can't see, there can be the feeling of 'Why am I not working the way I usually do? What's wrong with me?'. It was actually my brother who led me to finally see what the problem was, for me. In a nutshell, I had nothing solid to move towards. He asked me what goals I could see myself reaching in life. My goals were so vague that I couldn't see them in my mind. Once I brought them into focus, they began to appear much crisper and they began to feel like a driving force. His advice was to pick long, medium and short term goals. They don't have to be anything huge, simply something to work towards. Take each one and break it down. For example...

One of my life long goals is to achieve various forms of greater self understanding. Breaking that down involves how I can better understand myself on a mental level, physical level and soulful level. So, 3 subcategories, to be precise. Each month this may look like completing topics of interest, whether I'm looking to develop new forms of inner dialogue (mental), develop new neural pathways and chemical reactions through new habits (physical) or develop the seer in me (through the practice of imagining through meditation/daydreaming). Each week I'll develop this through daily actions. Btw, currently reading a book on the vagus nerve and how it works in me. I read while I'm eating breakfast each morning, which is technically 2 good habits in one. My short to medium term goal is to increase the nerve's energy, through knowledge and practice. It's responsible for so much when it comes to our quality of life.

If you were to work on developing a clearer or crisper image of the goals that lay ahead of you, what begins to naturally come to mind? Try not to beat yourself up too much if things start off as a bit hazy or vague. Trust that they'll come into focus.

[indigo22]

Hello nicedae,

Welcome, thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry you are feeling the way you are at the moment.

I am now in my 60s and have been dealing with depression since about the age of 12 so I can relate to much of what you have described. It is my thinking that "road blocks" arise when there is something within that needs attention or to be healed. One of the first things that jumped out of your post is that you are longing for connection with your parents. My suggestion in this instance is to have a heart to heart talk with each of them and let them know that it is important for your wellbeing that they try to allocate some time for your relationship. Perhaps that looks like getting together for dinner every couple of weeks and talking about how your lives are going. They are probably unaware that you feel this way so it is important to open up and talk about it. It may also be that something else has been weighing on you but you haven't yet figured out what that is. I have found that reading books can sometimes help to bring about understanding and recognition of the issue/issues we are dealing with. Or you can also find a lot of videos on youtube that may help you in the same way as books. Some prominent authors would include Gabor Mate (trauma of various kinds), Peter Levine (somatic healing and trauma), Deb Dana (polyvagal theory), Joe Dispenza (mental/physical healing and neuro-pathways), Bessel Van Der Kelk (trauma healing). Failing that, maybe you do need to talk with a counsellor to get to the bottom of what has changed over the past couple of years that has brought about your low mood. Sometimes we hit a road block for a reason, and that is to stop and listen to our mind/heart/body for what it is that needs our attention. You sound like you are a kind and understanding person to others, so now is the time to turn that on to yourself for a while. I hope this has been of some help to you, come back and talk whenever you wish.

Take care,

indigo22

[yggdrasil]

Hi nicedae,

Thank you so much for posting on here. You sound like an amazing person!

I also experienced intense anxiety and depression when I was around your age. I remember the early/mid 20s social and work stressors were very intense. 

I think it's absolutely reasonable to seek help from a professional. I saw a psychologist for many, many years. Do you know about Mental Health Care Plans? If you speak to your GP they can set one up, which will entitle you to 10+ free sessions with a psychologist or social worker each year.

I think professionals (and settings like this forum) are generally the best people to have the heavy mental health conversations with. You may have one or two family members (e.g. parents) who can also provide regular support. You might also consider attending a peer support group to discuss this stuff - I attended one of these for years. You can also share things with friends, but I think a common pattern is for friends to initially over-commit to wanting to help, not being able to, then withdrawing, which can then affect the relationship. I therefore think it's generally best to keep your relationships with friends primarily about socialising and having fun, and keeping the heavy mental health support a bit separate.

Regarding drive, I have found I need to just grit my teeth and make myself do things... for me I usually feel the drive to accomplish something AFTER that thing is accomplished, not before. I think this is especially true when you're depressed, although when depressed the goals/pursuits need to be very small and achievable, and you need to be kind to yourself if outcomes fall short of your expectations. I have also found that as I get older I get the most joy, sense of meaning, and drive to keep going, from the "little" things in my life... skateboarding, painting Warhammer, learning harmonica etc, rather than the "big" career/relationship sort of stuff.

Hope that helps,

yggdrasil