28 year old male, confused and helpless

[La-994]

Hello fellow members. I should start by saying that writing the following is me at my most vulnerable, and is not something I have even considered doing before.

I'm a 28 year old male. Please forgive me if this comes across the wrong way, but if a stranger were to look at me on paper, they would probably deduce that I am happy and successful. I have worked very hard throughout university and my career, I managed to save up and buy a house, cars, have travelled extensively, I have an established career and a good relationship with my girlfriend of 5 years. Throughout my early 20's I forged ahead with what I thought was an impenetrable strength. An 'I can conquer anything' attitude. I tried to engineer my life and plan extensively so that I would avoid suffering, hurt or uncertainty. 

Some may read this and think I have nothing to worry about. Indeed, I have tried to tell myself this many times over. And yet, for the past 1.5 years, I have been trying to manage my way through what is by far the hardest period of my life.

It started with health-related anxiety, which spiraled into a cycle of anxiety symptoms feeding others, me worrying about those, that causing a loss of sleep, which led to feelings of depression, and so on. At its worst, I would contemplate thoughts of suicide and had no idea what was happening to me, and how I could 'fix' it, like I could solve other problems in my life and at work.

More recently, the realities of ageing have hit me like a freight train. I am seeing friends get married, start families, all with a seemingly carefree ease and what feels like unobtainable level of happiness. Good young 'Aussie blokes' following life's path without too much care or concern. I have become extremely worried and confused about my future with my mind spinning relentlessly not knowing if I want children or not, worrying about my parents ageing, and feeling very little confidence or faith in whatever path I choose. My thinking about the future and making sure I 'get it right' has become obsessive. I am barely mentally present at work, I can't sleep properly (wake up with panic attacks throughout the night, getting about 3-4 hours at best), and although my girlfriend is supportive (bless her), I worry about dragging her through my relentless sadness. I am really struggling. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi La-994,
  Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been feeling anxious and so lost with you life at the moment. We think sharing here is a great step towards feeling better.   If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online here. It’s ok to reach out when you’re feeling anxious or upset, they can talk you through some ways to find a bit of calm, and then help you to figure out some options for further support.  We’re sure we’ll hear from the lovely community soon, but in the meantime, here’s some strategies you might like to have a look at it. We understand you might have been through some of these in the past and it might feel like cold comfort right now, but they’re here in case they do pique your interest: 

• Another thread where the community have shared some strategies for managing anxiety 
• Beyond Blue Article: When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.  Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[David35]

You sound like me when I was working as an engineer. I got a degree in mechanical engineering because I was at good at maths and physics at the high school level. But halfway through the degree i had reservations. I continued on, found full time work and hated it. For some reason it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I did very well at uni and admittedly there were other medical complications which I wasnt aware of at the time. But it's taken me a long time to realise that just because you are good at something, it doesn't mean you enjoy it, and even have to work in it. Maybe this is what's going on? Maybe your heart just isn't in it anymore (this type of work). Maybe there's something else out there which would suit you better? Maybe that's what your panic attacks are trying to tell you...

[La-994]

Thank you Sophie for your words of support, much appreciated. The inner critic article is interesting and not one I'd read before - thanks for sharing. Indeed, I hope others can see my story and know they're not alone. 

[La-994]

Hi David35, many thanks for your message. You might be right. I find the process of soul searching a long and winding path, with the occasional good day of optimism scattered amongst very difficult days. If you're happy to share more, I would love to hear how you are going on your journey and whether you have made any adjustments to your life following your realisation that engineering might not be for you. Thanks for your support, it's comforting.    

[David35]

So my circumstances are quite different to yours because I don't have the financial commitments you would have.

I had a head injury half way through my degree. So, long story short, I couldn't hold a job down. This was later diagnosed to be due to a mild brain injury I suffered as a result of the accident. I was really "forced" to change career into something less intellectually demanding because I simply couldn't cope. I was put on a Disability Pension as a result and in my spare time built and sold wooden kids furniture as a hobby which I really enjoyed. So I didn't even get to change my career successfully because I couldn't earn a living from it. I looked into cabinet-making but once again due to the nature of my injury, had difficulty coping with concentrating.

But I do remember the feelings of unease when working as an engineer thinking that this wasn't for me. I loved the theory, the people interaction at uni, the variety. But the reality of working was far different to uni. 

I'm not sure how much of this applies to your situation as I said, but they say there's two ways to approach life. Get a job and work out how to enjoy it. Or find something you enjoy and work out how to get paid for it. Somewhere the answer is in the middle.