Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Glad you got a chuckle with some of my post - the old adage of laughter is the best medicine certainly does ring true at times!! You are certainly correct in saying that humans carry their past with them -and sometimes not for the better. It is hard to let go of some of the things that you endure - would be a perfect utopia if only you could remember happy times. An awesome quote by XTC - Who is pushing the pedals - old man Winter for the season, I delved in an thought about who is pushing the pedals of the mind, if only one knew. That is my deep and meaningful (or less) part of the conversation lol

You are a glutton for punishment taking on The Rain Song when at the L plate stage of guitar - I learnt for awhile but it was pre-children days and I think because my first ex was pushing me to do so. If I ever had the chance, I think piano or really adventurous, violin would be wonderful to learn. I have a budding drummer with my miniman - he has already worn out a few things. He has some natural talent happening.

Sorry to bad mouth Tolkien - some people love it and my case not - if you are up for the challenge by all means read away!  Don't stress when I get to see "Whiplash", I am honest - will let you know either way if I enjoy it or not, and I am not that harsh of a critic haha

No my silver sparkles in the hair started at 22 after I had gotten on top of my anxiety disorder - that's what stress does to you. The only vanity I have in life is not to be grey!! Apart from that I have never been one to keep up with the latest trends or the like. I am all for individuality!

Thank you for being concerned about us all - and yes I have tried everything, including a pyschologist, it takes alot for me not to cry with him sometimes. That is the hardest part about being a parent and one with special needs kids. I will just try and make his night fun and let him choose what he wants for dinner - little things that mean something to him. I am also guessing I will be in for a late night.. So to answer the question still sleepless in SA. I think BB should have Skype - but with masquerade masks to keep the whole anonymity thing happening. As for loneliness - still very much feeling that emotion. It is tiring.

Well, have tbeen to round one of the Docs - I feel like a pin cushion! It's a finger prick test like diabetics do, but my levels were ultra high again, so it was a blood test as well - which took them 2 attempts. I then had to go for an ultrasound on my leg to make sure there were no more clots forming - such fun. Was given the all clear for that, but have to go back and get results and further instruction. It wasn't my normal GP (he's on annual leave - lucky him) and the GP I saw a bit gruff, but very thorough. I cried when I left the hospital - not sure in relief or who knows at the moment! I used to be a lot harder on myself when I cried - felt weak - but am a little gentler towards myself these days.

Thank you for the compliment - it has taken me many years to know how to receive them - not that many had come my way before lol It is a good feeling when you can reach out and help somebody. Even if it is just listening to someone.

The Indra 5000 hey lol The site Affenknecht has Rammstein lyrics translated - the passage from Shark was in regards to solidarity! Rammstein lyrics are usually very, very dark or dark love songs, it was hard to find something inbetween lol

Well, must dash for now - it was nice of Mares to stop in - and I am glad we have the friend connection happening TMB -

Haben Sie einen wunderbaren Rest des Tages, bald sprechen,

From cyber and beyond,

Big, big cyber hug back,

Indra

[Indra]

Oh, mind of a sieve here. Forgot to reply - the other career paths I wanted to do were Physiotherapy or a fall back of teaching High School, with English and PE as subjects - that was all before I destroyed my knee lol Lastly, yes I am a lifer on Warfarin - once you have had to PE's that's it - you are on it for good.One of my doctor's I have had called it Rat Poison - it's not the most fun medication to take. Lots of bruising and very hard to keep stable - but better than the other outcome by not being on it!

Later,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Mares,

Thank you for your post. Yes, I have a good friendship and connection with Indra. I thank Beyond Blue for giving me the opportunity to meet people and make friends here at their forums. Indra has provided me with awesome support which along with one other lady, has helped me enormously.

Wow, you have certainly been through a lot. Am sorry your life has been so full of painful events. I don't have children but I do know what it's like to have a family member abusing alcohol and being intimidating. I also have had the experience of witnessing a family member battle with a severe illness.

You're right, The Fall is an English band. Their best hit was a song called "Victoria".

Thanks very much for the offer but I already have a song download program.

Thank you very much too for your kind words of praise. Very generous of you. A sense of humour is very important I think. It can relieve stress and anxiety. Sometimes depression can blot out our sense of humour and it just takes another kind soul to get one smiling again. I learned years ago that endurance is one of the most important things in life particularly when depressed. So getting up after being down is a continual thing for me, though as I get better it is getting easier. I do appreciate your words.

I wish you all the best in your journey. May your difficulties be surpassed.

Please be kind to yourself, take care and thanks for popping in. 

TMB

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

You'll have to excuse me today, I'm feeling a bit flat as I have a cold. So my words may not be as lively as usual.

That's all I did on guitar was learn. I had no talent for it at all even though I really like music. I have met a few people who are very skilled and it is a pleasure listening to them. One guy has been in bands where I live and loves doing covers, especially Cold Chisel. Another guy I knew used to compose his own songs and they were, to me, very good.

I'm glad miniman is into drumming, maybe he will like parts of Whiplash? lol.Yeah, I can see you playing a violin.

I don't think my brain could handle Tolkien at the moment. And no, I won't stress about you liking Whiplash or not. (He lies!) I think it's true that you will either like it a lot or not at all. Anyway, we will see. I watched "Chicago" last night but didn't like it much. The songs were a bit predictable. Was good seeing Richard Gere tap dancing!

Grey hair, wow! I am starting to go really grey and my friend wonders why I don't dye it. For some reason, I just wouldn't do it. But if someone wants to then that's cool. 22 is young, too much stress you poor thing! I don't follow trends either and feel I'm great just the way I am. How's that for healthy self-esteem? I'm not very patriotic either, instead seeing all people as people just coming from different places. Don't get me wrong, I love Australia and feel lucky to live here but I don't think we are better than others.

That must be very hard for you, not crying with your son sometimes. That sounds like an excellent idea, letting your son choose his dinner. Do the boys have favourite meals? Sorry to hear of your lack of sleep, hope it improves for you. You made me laugh out loud with your comment about Skype and the masquerade masks. Would that be masked depression? sorry...

It's good you are kinder to yourself re: crying. I don't think it's wrong or right just needs and awareness. I myself get a little teary sometimes when seeing something emotional on tv (now don't tell anyone!) Once in a blue moon I'll have a blubber but less so now as my depression eases. So great that you are clot free! Hooray! Best of luck with round 2 of the Docs.

Was nice of Mares to call in. Glad we have the friend connection too.

"Entre la pensee et l'expression se trouve une vie"  The Velvet Underground.

Take care, yourself and sons.

Bye for now

TMB

P.S. Big cyber hug!

P.S.S. Sieve here! lol. Ta for telling me about career paths and Rat poison!.

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

I had seen that you were feeling poorly on another thread- hope you are feeling better today. Take the old wives' remedy of chicken noodle soup, vix and rest on board. It seriously does work! I know, old mother hen here lol

I kind of shy away from musos now - my violent ex is one. I do think musicians here have a prerequisite of learning Cold Chisel - there is always someone yelling out for Khe San. I always preferred Bow River myself.

You are brave - Chicago hey. Musicals are one genre that I can't get into. My limits are The Who's rock operas, Led Zep's Song Remains the Same and uhmm Rocky Horror Picture Show (yes, I admitted to it). My mum was a mad Richard Gere fan - she used to have a photo in her purse - not of her family!

That was a positive for your self esteem! I wish I could follow suit. I have never had a lot of it - I guess when you have been put down for half of your life, you kinda start believing in it. I am not overly patriotic either. Yes, Australia has a lot more positives and freedoms than other countries, but there are negatives about here as well. Tall poppy syndrome comes to mind. I guess the same thing could be said about religion as well - not going to open up that can of worms lol

It is hard to hold back and be strong for my son -sometimes I just can't though. It has been a bit of a down day, apart from taking miniman to the Minion movie. Was pretty funny and he was happy, he got an Avengers drink and cup. The local cinema is not too bad - firstly, don't have to travel and it is less expensive than the major ones.

The boys do have their favourite meals - my older son likes chicken burgers and they both like pizza (but only particular ones). Miniman is a very fussy eater - he would live on cake and donuts if I let him!

I laughed with your response to the Skype - if you can't laugh - what else are you going to do?

I seem to cry at a lot of things lately - must stay away from the sadder stories on tv - don't tell anyone - um TMB, have you forgotten where we are?? haha Doctor's was all ok - just an adjustment in dosage and re check next week - it goes through that cycle sometimes.

I loved the quote that you pilfered as well - I think my lifetime lies in thought and only sometimes I can express them. Being on here I have been able to be myself.

Meine Traume, sind sie nicht so leer, wiemein Gewissen zu sein scheint, ich habe Stunden, nur einsam - Behind Blue Eyes - The Who.

Feel better soon Mein Freund,

Take care of you too,

Cyber hug,

Indra S

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Thanks a lot for wishing me well. I have no chicken noodle soup or vix but I have been resting a lot AND drinking homemade Coffee lattes like they're going out of style! Also been sucking on plenty of butterscotch and throaties lollies. Am feeling better but still a bit deflated and not terribly alert. I hope you are going ok!

Yeah, I won't be racing out to get another musical. lol. Didn't like Chicago  much. But I do have quite a few music videos that I like...The Police, ACDC, Nick Cave, P.J. Harvey and more. I have a 1975 concert of ACDC live in Paris that I'm especially fond of. Rocky Horror Picture Show eh? How many times? lol.

Very sorry to hear that you have been treated badly (put down) a lot in the past. My self-esteem used to be low for years, now it's much better. I can at least fight back against negativity now and can handle criticism and other undermining things. I have the tools to fight back so I can cope much better. All from a book someone gave me years ago. It really has helped to change my life. Anyway, I won't rave on about it too much. Here are the details if you're interested...

The whole title is, Self-Esteem (Third Edition) A proven program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning.

Publisher - New Harbinger Publications

ISBN: 1572241985

You can get it at Fishpond.

I know everyone raves on about how good a book is and such, well this one actually IS terrific! A complete manual for getting and maintaining your self-esteem. It really opened my eyes! I wasn't doing anything wrong before, it just wasn't that good for me, if that makes sense.

That sounded like fun, the Minion movie. Sorry to hear your day was otherwise a bit down but it's great the cinema is so handy. The boys favourites are my favourites as well. lol. If I wasn't watching my weight, I'd be scoffing down more food like that too. Lucky for me I'm not!

No good that you've been crying a lot, you must need to...but it's great you can be yourself here at the forums. Yeah, between thought and expression...is a top line and I liked the way you applied it to yourself. I liked the Behind Blue Eyes quote too, thanks for that. When cyber surfing for lyrics, I didn't realize that The Who had so many good songs.

"Juste un pas de côté de ce monde aujourd'hui"   The Fall - Just Step S'ways

Thanks for wishing me better.

Take care, mon ami

Big cyber hug!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Sorry for the delay in response - have had internet hassles - and found the reason why this morning. The ex who recently bailed on us, had actually hacked my internet and locked me out!!! The tech from Internode ended up having a great chuckle with me in getting it fixed. My ex had changed the password - well let's say it wasn't very polite. I am keeping an eye on it all, as he advised me I can go to the police if it keeps happening. It also show me he had been using my service as well! Talk about nasty!

I hope you are feeling better as well. I have never gone for a flu shot - I generally - touch wood - get the flu. Maybe a bit rundown or the sniffles for a couple of days. I put it down to that I don't have time to get sick lol I have been feeling a little tired of late though.

My family was in the wars over the weekend - my mum is back in hospital, but will be out tomorrow and miniman and I are going down to spend some time there. I also got a txt at 1am Saturday night from my brother, saying that one of my nephew's was airlifted to the city after he had had a motorbike accident. Ended up with a broken arm and concussion. I love how they all run to me in a crisis!

You have been scarred for life by watching Chicago haha Music videos (Dvd's - I know I am stuck in the old age) are great. I have seen one of the AC/DC ones before. I much prefer Bon Scott as a lead man too. This particular one had the miniscule Angus Young running around like crazy - only to see him in the wings on an oxygen mask!!! Not bad for a man who still chains smokes. I have read Bon Scott's biography - certainly a good read.  Oh, and I have lost count on how many times I have seen Rocky Horror lol In the younger days, friends and I would make an event of it, if it came on tv - lots of liquid merriment and singing I'm afraid lol

Thank you for the book reference - will have a look. I have ordered stuff from Fishpond before and they haven't been too bad .Don't apologize for promoting something that has helped you.

Minion movie was great and I took miniman to see Inside Out today - the emotion movie lol This one was a bit sad at times, more of a girl's movie - not enough action happening for my little one lol He wants to see Antman now lol Curse you previews!!! It is nice though to be able to do this with him.

You have great willpower then with the food thing - I yoyo - but am on the way back to me from the past! I don't obsess with it though.

The Who certainly do have a great catalogue of songs - ranging from the very early poppy stuff to the rockier. I like Roger Daltry's voice - it's not a classic trained one - but a manly one lol

I had trouble converting the last Fall song line as well - a little help? haha

Kein Reim, Kein Grund, nur leben

Take care of yourself to Mein Freund,

Big cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

Not good for you, the way your ex has been acting! Hacking and locking you out and using your service! It sounds pretty underhanded. I certainly hope it doesn't continue but if it does, as you say, you could then involve the police. Be careful! Not wanting to alarm you or anything, it makes me wonder if there are any other areas where he could try to take advantage of you?

I am feeling better but the cold is lingering. A few more days and I should be right. Thanks for the well wishes.

You must be considered the Strong One or something similar to have your relatives coming to you for assistance. Maybe you give good advice! I hope your nephew is ok and your mother too. I hope too, that you enjoy your stay there at your Mum's.

It definitely could be fun for the actors and makers of the film but for the audience I'm not so sure...I may be scarred for life from watching "Chicago"! lol. What worries me the most is that I'm still humming "All That Jazz", one of the film's main songs!

Angus Young is a character! I like early ACDC too. Bon's biography would've been good. I read Nick Cave's, it was excellent! ACDC are touring Australia later this year. The tickets are $200 and up! I used to have a friend who went to midnight screenings of "Rocky Horror". She used to get dressed up with all her friends. It was a big party!

Just like Rockwiz...What was the first concert you ever saw?

Fishpond are very good, I use them all the time, their prices are low and they have free shipping!

So, miniman wants to see "Antman". You'll just have to get to the cinema later so you can miss the previews lol. Someone got me in a full nelson recently forcing me to watch "Marley & Me". I hate to admit it but I kinda liked it, in fact, I'd recommend it!

Hard to gauge my depression right now due to my cold but before it seemed to be  improving. I was having more clarity in the mind and more good energy but won't be able to tell for sure until the cold clears. Am hoping the rapid thoughts and negativity are less but we shall see.

Oh OK, the last Fall lyrics were:

 "Just step sideways from this world today" which makes more sense when you hear the opening lines, "When what used to excite you does not, Like you've used up all your allowance of experiences". Hope this makes sense!

"No rhyme, no reason only life". I liked this one a lot. One of The Who's?

"They taught me how to work, but they can't teach me how to shirk correctly" XTC

Je espere que vous allez bien, mon ami.

Big cyber hug!

TMB

[Indra]

Hi TMB,

Sorry for the delay in getting back - I have only just returned from my folks and they don't have great internet coverage where they are! I do guess that I am strong - but it's the old adage of you have to been strong when you don't have any other option but to be strong - I do crack from time to time and I guess that just makes me human lol

Yes, it was very underhanded of my ex - but I was very quick when he left to make sure that I had things changed and now with my internet access I had help from the provider and made sure that is secure. Definitely will be reporting it if it happens again!!

Glad to hear you are on the mend - colds can be very draining! I do hope as well it is just your cold making you have the feelings of depression as well. True, once you feel better, it will be able to help you think with a little more clarity. I am starting to feel more positive - although I have a long road ahead as well. Just taking the good days as they come!

It's hard to get to the cinemas to late - we have been sitting down the front, so miniman can see ok - I am enjoying taking him, it's something we can share, so I will stop complaining about it lol

The visit was a standard one - playing parent to my mother and getting lectured like a teenager by my father lol At least my little one had fun playing with his cousin - they get along really well. She is 6 and they spent the whole time playing and holding hands.

Lol told you - scarred!! Haha you will have to listen to something really heavy to get All that Jazz out of your head lol I end up humming most of the kids tunes at random moments - not sure which one is worse lol Wow - ticket prices are certainly expensive now days! I have heard that AC/DC are still one of the loudest concerts going around - as for my first concert experience - there are two. I saw INXS at a festival in Adelaide when I was a kid with my family - was the Australia day one - can't remember the year though ('80's of course) and my first proper concert was - mmmm - aha lol Cut me some slack - I was young!! The funny thing I remember was reading in the paper the following day that the screaming had been recorded as being louder than the music - would attribute my loss of voice the following day haha My musical tastes did develop from there lol Yours and what was the first album you had?

I laughed with your friend dressing up for the Rocky Horror nights - I am not quite that dedicated and you won't catch me in a pair of fish net stockings either lol

Thank you for the Fall lyrics - awesome wrapped up in awesomeness! I think I can relate to that so well - it makes perfect sense.

As for mine - no, not the Who - that was actually me! Random thoughts make it to paper (or online cyberworld) at times. I do write and have a cache of poetry when I get some inspiration.The XTC line was pretty cool as well - will search out some more from me shortly!!!

Ich tue besser Mein Freund, Das leben ist voller unbekannt, aber ich habe keine Angst.

Big cyber hug back to you!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey there Indra,

Speaking of being strong, don't you think depression sufferers must be fortified in ways because they go through so much heavy duty stuff? It's a bit like what challenges you the most, will toughen you up! Endurance and depression go hand in hand, for me. That's why I got the tatt!

No worries if your reply is a little late. Please feel free to take as much time as you like. I really enjoy getting your posts but I can wait longer if you're pushed for time etc. (a little longer anyway! lol).

GREAT NEWS!!! you are feeling more positive!!! Congratulations! May it continue to grow. That's really good that you and miniman are sharing so much by going to the movies together. Good to see things are going well for you two. Hope your elder boy is doing well, too.

Lol - I have my headphones on, full volume, trying to irradicate that  insidious, scarring music that I can't get outa my head and can't even mention!

ACDC - loud and dear Haha!

So, who was your other first concert experience?, you didn't say. From what you said I have it narrowed down to David Cassidy or Normie Rowe but I give up! INXS would've been cool to see. I was especially mad on them in the mid 80's when "The Swing" came out. I saw them about 1985/86 at a local club. Was a terrific night.

My first concert was Thin Lizzy supported by Wakoo in 1976 at a nearby sporting oval. Thin Lizzy were coool! My first album was pretty conservative. It was "Hotel California" by The Eagles. I was Bowie mad at this time though.

The Fall have very interesting lyrics though some are very hard to follow. For me, it adds to their appeal, in an odd way. I think it makes them more fascinating. Who else would have a song called "Who makes the Nazis?"

I'm glad your random thoughts sometime make it to paper. "No rhyme, no reason only life" was very thought provoking. Please share your poetry anytime. Have you put any poetry on the Poem thread here at BB? Your last message in German translated to "I better act my friend, since life is more fully unknown, but I am not afraid" Is that close? It does make sense.

My song quote is from Liz Phair...she sings about a typical male. "He's just a hero, in a long line of heroes, looking for something attractive to say..."

While I remember, RockWiz is touring in Nov just in case you're interested.They are doing a tribute to the Aria Hall of Fame.

Il y a un océan là-bas que je suis arrivé à nager. Stanard Ridgeway.

Big cyber hug!

TMB