Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey there TMB,

Unfortunately for me the weekend hasn't been a good one. I have felt very low and devastating alone. Have tried to keep busy with the boys but they have been a rollercoaster of high and low as well - part of ASD. I did the cardinal sin - cried in front from of them. I usually can keep it together enough not to do this - but a floodgate opened. I felt even worse when miniman handed me a tissue and gave me a hug. The only up I have had, was that my American penfriend was in touch on line and we had a good chat on Friday night. She is my evil twin - and she was both supportive and blunt - what I needed.

Glad your football team won and that you both enjoyed some Thai food - it's funny how sometimes you end up barracking for a team that older relatives support. I was an individual even when I was young - didn't go with the flow and supported a football team that no of my family followed! The other sport I enjoy watching is ice hockey, something different I know.

Yes, I am a book collector of sorts - not as much as I used when I was young and single and had spare cash lol I tend to buy as a birthday/Christmas treat or if I find some on special. Booktopia is a great online store, but I am old fashioned and love browsing through bookstores for ages and definitely will not own a kindle! There is something magical about reading a book and turning the pages. My favourite authors are Kate Forsyth (I got to meet her and get my favourite book signed and had a great chat). She is Australian and based in Sydney and writes fantasy/historical fiction. I also like Matthew Reilly (saw him too lol), Joe Abercrombie and I always go back to Dean Koontz and Stephen King, as they were the first two that I got into at about age 11. Reading and music are great form of escape. I do read non fiction as well, historical, cooking usual run of the mill.

Glad you enjoyed the Janis song too - I watched Rock Wiz last night - didn't enjoy that one as much - except for the end song - I know I like heavier music but Groove is in the Heart has always been catchy - I know I admitted to it lolOh, and you were spot on with RIvals - Led Zep was the first thing that came to mind. I have been in to Led Zep since I was a kid as well. With The Who - give Quadrophenia a whirl - it's a great movie as well. Definitely in Pete Townsends rock opera phase.

Japanese food is awesome - everyone only thinks of sushi - but there are so many great choices. I always enjoy the tempura vegetables. Although Japanese food seems to be a bit pricier than other Asian foods.

You certainly are well travelled TMB - half your luck! When I should have been travelling and seeing the world, I was dealing with my anxiety disorder and could barely go 10km out of town, let alone overseas. I think it is out of the question now. Definitely Germany on the list - and wow your experience when you went sounds fantastic. I guess on my list would have been the US and Scotland and Wales.

I also crashed and burned trying to give up smoking yet again this weekend. I m determined to keep trying though - I went without for a year until just recently with all of the new stress - it was easy to fall back into. I will get there!!!!

Enjoy the Voice tonight - I only watched the first year of it when Karise Eden won - kept watching because she did the Janis song lol

Ein tapferer Maske trage ich, Ihre Freundschaft TMB, bleiben genial,

Big cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Comment allez-vous? Better I hope. Was very sorry to hear of your not so good weekend. Low and alone is no good at all, mate. I guess the boy's ups and downs plus other things just added up to be too much for you. That's ok. How adorable miniman giving you a tissue and a hug after you cried! I hope these feelings of depression(?) and stark solitude are only fleeting.

Great you were in contact with your penfriend from the U.S! Have you been penfriends for long?

Hey, I don't mind ice hockey either, it's fast and furious. I don't go out of my way to watch it but I did see a good movie on it once. It was called "Miracle", with Kurt Russell, about the 1980 U.S. Olympic ice hockey team. Have you seen it?

Yes, with all the modern technology available, reading a book is still kinda special! Just thought of one you may like called "Call of the Wild" by Jack London. An oldie but a goody. It's about a dog called Buck and his life journey, including his time as a sled dog in Alaska(?). I've read it a few times , first when I was a boy. the later, always a pleasure. Good on you seeing your two authors, Kate and Matthew, that would've been exciting for you.

I think Led Zeppelin are an exceptional band. My favourite album is "Houses of the Holy" with the Rain song etc. but most of their albums are extremely good.

If I ever eat Japanese again I'll definitely try the tempura vegies! Haha!

Sorry to learn of your anxiety disorder that kept you localized. I'm a bit like that now. I did my traveling pre 1990 and now don't know if I could cut the mustard with respect to doing it again. Too much for my brain to handle, lol. I have been to Scotland and liked it very much. I met a Scottish girl in Amsterdam and stayed at her parent's place near Glasgow for a week. I spent 2 months on a houseboat in Amsterdam, that was great! Would love to go to the U.S.so many cool places there. Maybe I'll be reincarnated as a southern gentleman! lol.

I got a skinhead yesterday. You are glad to not know me. lol.

You did great to give up smoking for a year! Good luck with it again. I gave up in 1992 and have managed to stay off them. I stopped drinking grog too as when I drank, I smoked! Even so, it is very hard to stop!

I did enjoy The Voice last night. One performer, a young bloke Sang from the soul. The judges were literally begging to be picked!

Thankyou so much for your thoughtful message in German. Was touching!

Soyez aimable avec vous-meme, mon cher ami.

Keep smiling!

Big cyber hug!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Thank you yet again for your unending support! I was so glad to read your response. Today being back in to the swing of things I don't have a lot of time to dwell on things. Yes, my little man, although he tries my patience at times was a little darling when he did this. The depressive feelings maybe fleeting, but the feeling of solitude isn't. I am starting to be resigned to the fact that I am going to be alone for a long time. I had a response from Neil, saying you never know, but I am starting to accept it.

I have been in contact with my friend in the US for three years now. She is my doppelganger lol We met through a penpal site as I had penfriends when I was a kid and wanted to experience it again - although being online is far easier than snail mail! You say being reincarnated as a southern gentleman - she is from Virginia and we have spoken on the phone before - she has a great Southern twang and does a great rendition of Gone with the Wind haha

I have heard of the Kurt Russell film but not seen it. I love Slapshot with Paul Newman - even though it was made in 1977 - it is still very funny if you get past the 70's fashion lol Speaking of movies, I love Jack Nicholson and one of his best movies (my opinion) is Goin' South. Absolutely hilarious, I definitely recommend that one, if you haven't seen it already.

Led Zep - yay another fan! I think Physical Graffiti would be my favourite album of theirs. As for songs, so hard to narrow that done to a favourite. I do love Black Hearted Woman, Since I've Been Loving You and the Immigrant Song to name a few. I did a rendition of Rock and Roll at karoake many, many moons ago (and after a lot of beverages).

I don't remember reading Call of the Wild - but do know it's a classic. One of my all time favourites would be To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - the movie was also done brilliantly. It was Robert Duvall's first movie as Boo Radley.

I did watch the Voice tonight - albeit under protest from miniman (he wanted to watch Dr Who). I loved the last singer Amber with her song "Strong". Must look that one up.

Sooo jealous that you have been to Scotland! Glad you ended up with free accommodation as well! Houseboat in Amsterdam? Was that on a canal?

I am a bit cross at myself with the smoking. I find the first day of withdrawal really hard - if I can get through that, I will be on my way again. Yes, I agree with you there - drinking and smoking was like a balancing act for your hands when you are out. I don't drink very often anymore - I just am not into it and after my 2nd ex being a binge alcoholic - don't enjoy being around heavy drinkers either.

As for a skinhead - hair or lack there of - is hair. Ohh contrare TMB - I would have been the friend saying hand me the clippers - I'll do it for you lol I can't talk - I went from having hair half way down my back to a short bob under my chin in May. I got bored lol It's hair - it grows back and in my case quickly!

Villkommen for the message!

Hier ist bis zum Beginn der gute Freundschaft - danke TMB

Nacht,

Big cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

I love hearing from you too, mate! Your posts are interesting, funny, informative. Like a mini novel, exciting to explore. I like the way you write. I enjoy helping you and writing to you is helping me. It's helping to drag me out of my solitude.(by the hair? not any more, lol).

As for you being alone for a long time, I agree with what Neil said, you never know. Just concentrate on your life, yourself, your kids etc, as I know you are and will, Strive to be happy in yourself. You've got it all Indra, I don't think you'll be alone for long.

Am just about ready to start reading the "Whiplash" screenplay. It is sitting patiently on my desk. I saw the movie a month or so ago and thought it was absolutely astounding. You must see this movie!! I give it 9.99 out of 10. The best film I've seen since "Warrior" a few years ago. It doesn't sound terribly exciting, a movie about a young jazz drummer, but take a look, it sure is! In your face, confronting and very, very dramatic!

Slapshot and Going South are now in the memory banks. Thanks for that. I have heard of them before but can't remember seeing them. I had a laugh about the 70s fashion you mentioned. I ordered Fallen and Quadrophenia the other day. I admire Jack Nicholson too. Loved him in Batman and One flew over...To Kill A Mockingbird sounds enthralling too. Will keep an eye out for movie/book.

Yes, our houseboat was on a canal in Amsterdam. A guy I knew owned two and let me and a mate share one. It was great! Freezing at times, in long johns underneath a stack of clothes, gloves, beanie. We all had our own bicycles and would go riding around town. (They have bike lanes all over the city) Sometimes we'd catch the cable car. Amsterdam was a beautifully architectured yet modern, forward thinking city. And heaps of interesting people to meet as lots of tourists ventured there.

Your friend from Virginia sounds great. I found it hard to get a good penpal years ago, then I met a Polish teacher online. She would write regularly and send pics. We corresponded for 4 years. During that time we had a few fallings out. On one occasion I sent her flowers in Poland to apologize!

It is just hair. And I don't like it long anymore. My friend cut it with electric shears. Last time she took a big chunk out of it and it looked kinda funny but this time no probs lol.

Best of luck with that first day of no smoking!

Keep smiling!

Ete un long temps puisque je bascule et ai roule.

Big cyber hug!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Well thanks - I just write what pops in to my head and I have always written this way! I remember getting lectured in Year 11 English for writing to adult for myself. I debated with the teacher that, that was how I wrote and he apologised and I continued to get straight A's in his class lol He also helped me at the time to get some work published in his magazine. I did have dreams at that stage of being a Journo. I am glad that I can help you too with your solitude. I enjoy your wit and interesting tales to be told. It's also good to meet (even in cyberland) someone who has some common interests as well.

I kept myself very busy today - even though I was running on four hours sleep! Housework (blah), baking, a gym session and in between school taxi and an appointment with miniman's OT. I think I am running on adrenalin now lol Miniman took forever to go to sleep and my eldest was still awake after midnight. I won't go to sleep until he has - not that it makes a lot of difference, but I seem to sleep easier that way.

Cheers - I have written down Whiplash - I have the memory of a sieve lately lol I have just gotten Netflix - so will see if it is on there.  I hope you enjoy Quadrophenia - there is some fantastic music in it and Sting plays one of the characters as well. It's loosely based on The Who themselves. Talking of bio's I read Keith Moon's awhile back - certainly a very interesting life!

What an experience in Amsterdam! Cycling through a foreign city sounds like quite the adventure. Did you visit many of the historic sites? I think that is the allure of Scotland for me - castles, the highlands. Have seen quite a few docos on it and it just looks so picturesque. I have only travelled a little in Australia. Once I got on top of my anxiety disorder I felt a little more confident in getting out and about. I have been to Melbourne about a half a dozen times, Sydney and the Gold Coast. I'm not the most confident flyer - but I got there!!

You are very polite to send flowers to Poland - how thoughtful. Funny you mention Poland, that is the other part of my heritage. My grandfather was Polish - and still had his ultra thick accent even after living in Australia for 40 years! With my background I get teased that I am a stubborn, hot head lol

Um, crashed a little with the smoking - but I have cut down. I have to find another outlet for my stress -

Awesome line from Led Zep - never to old to rock and roll!!!!!!!

One up you here - Das ist das Geheimnis des Quottenten - auf uns ein wenig regen fallen muss

You should have taken pics when your friend took a chunk out of your hair lol At least now you will save some cash on haircare products hahaha

Stay awesome TMB and always great to hear from you Mein Freund!

Big cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Thanks for your kind words. So you wanted to be a Journo? I imagine you would've been very good at it with your wide general knowledge and English skills. I never knew what I wanted to do when I was young. I left school and went to work at a local heavy industry. Think I wanted to be a doctor but marks weren't high enough. Only knew that I didn't want to get married and settle down.

Wow, you certainly were busy yesterday. I see what you mean regarding sleeping better when your sons are asleep. I must be getting older, I only seem to need 6 hrs sleep each night but then, like an old grandpa, I drop off in front of the telly!

Quadrophenia sounds great. I'm looking forward to it. Expecting it mid-July. Keith Moon's bio would be very good as you say, I also have P.J.Harvey's and Anthony Kiedis (from RHCPeppers) both unread! lol. Is Netflix, watching movies online? I hope you like Whiplash if you see it, it certainly isn't dull!

I haven't seen much of Oz either. Flying has never bothered me. I remember going to Stirling castle in Scotland, very impressive and so was the lush green lands surrounding it. Edinburgh castle was a stand out too. Can't recall visiting a lot of historical sights in Amsterdam but imagine I did. Saw the house of Ann Frank plus art museums. Went to a nightspot called "Milkveg", "The Milky Way" which had live bands and sold grass from just about anywhere and all legal!

A stubborn, hot head eh? The truth is coming out now! Haha! My friend gave me a pretty good rundown of Poland (which I've mostly forgotten!) I remember it being a very interesting place with lots of tradition.

Have been giving that Fall album a bit of a hiding. I really like it, typical Fall. Another surprise for me was enjoying the music in Whiplash. I've never liked jazz but the music in the movie was great! The young star must have practised for months!

I don't want to sound like Dr TMB but have you tried nicorettes or ? They're good to chew on, gives your mouth something to do when stressed. I used them when I gave up along with the good ol' peppermint lollies.

Congrats on the 100 posts!

My translator spat out heiroglyphics from your last German message! I think it's Led Zep? The Rain Song? Can you enlighten, please?

Lol, re: my hair products. Just wish it would stay short by itself.

"Seulement les humains portent leur passe autour, leur passe autour". The Fall

Until next we meet in cyberville, mon ami.

Big cyber hug!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

That was an interesting passage from The Fall - thank you. Yes, my quotation was from The Rain Song (a very pretty song for want of a word). "This is the mystery of the quotient - upon us a little rain must fall". Robert Plant does hold such poetical license - except in Vol 4 - which is heavily plagerised from Lord of the Rings - I didn't mind the movies, but I must admit it is the only novel EVER that I didn't finish. It wasn't the length, it's just that I find Tolkien over does the descriptiveness of each character and it became a chore rather than a joy to read.

I have Whiplash in queue on Netflix - it wasn't ready for watching - I will when it comes through. I did read the blurb that came with it and it does sound interesting. I am with you on that on - I have never been in to jazz either. I find it a little too "busy" to listen too. I give credit to actors that fully research their roles or learn a skill or instrument to make their character more authentic.

I had three things I was tossing around for a job in high school - but I left as I explained with no option of uni - and worked in a bank for the next 9 years - which I thoroughly hated. I lament sometimes if I hadn't had children (both boys were big surprises) what would I have achieved? I certainly would have more cash and probably wouldn't have to colour my hair so often either lol

Thank you for filling me in with stories of your travelling days. I have heard about the availability of weed in cafes before and all legal. I have also seen a doco about the red light district, where the women are in the windows on display - it was really quite sad to watch.

Um yes - probably more stubborn than a hothead lol

Not looking forward to Friday - my eldest baby has to go away for the week. Most people tell me enjoy the break (I still have miniman) but I tend to worry more than relax. He is always highly strung about going (I have to send him at the moment) and the only thing I don't deal well with his Autism, is when he is upset and I can't reassure or console him. It doesn't get any easier.

Thanks for the congrats on 100 posts - I only looked at it when you mentioned it lol I do follow some of the other posts, but I generally only comment/lend an ear when I can relate or feel that I can help in some small way.

Off to the docs tomorrow for bloods and level checks - the joys - in the last couple of years it's the only time I have ever had bruises on my fingertips - such a joy!!! I am a bit concerned with my leg at the moment - will get that looked at that as well. I am probably over cautious, as I have had two blood clots on my lungs before. The fun of old age pregnancy - never again!!!! Just thought I would share lol

Well, Dr T - you can keep the nicabate lol they are disgusting! I am going to do cold turkey again and if I keep failing will go the patches again I think. Trying....peppermints work and butterscotch lol

"Und der Haifisch der hat Tranen, Und die laufer vom gesicht, Doch der Haifisch lebt im wasser - so die Tranen sieht man nicht" - Haifisch (Shark) Rammstein

Look forward to hearing from you in the land of cyber Mein Freund,

Big cyber hug back!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Really enjoyed your post tonight. Laughed several times and thought the usual "me too" on some of your comments like the "business of jazz" for example.

Yeah I thought, "Only humans carry their past around..."" was insightful and very true from The Fall...what other species carries their past around with them? As far as I know animals don't.

A beautiful song The Rain Song, one of my favourites, one I use to try to play on guitar when I was learning but somehow it wasn't quite the same. Ha!.

Haven't read Tolkien and don't think I want to now. lol!. You mentioned Whiplash and I suddenly thought "Oh My God" what if she hates it!? Guess we'll find out soon enough. It's a full on but a good full on movie to my way of thinking and yes Miles Teller does a first rate job on the drums.

So 9 years of misery doing a bank job you despised gave you grey locks! Is that why you cut your hair? Seriously, what were the three things you were tossing around for a job when you were at school? Journo?  and ? and ? I didn't like the Red Light district in Amsterdam either. So you're mostly stubborn are you?

You poor thing. I'm trying to think of something useful to tell you! re: your son going away. I suppose you've tried everything to prevent him from getting upset. I really feel for you Indra, wish I could help. Is there any external help or perhaps help online for info that you could get? I suppose you've already explored those options. More than happy to talk more. How is the sleeping and loneliness going?

Me too with the posts! I only like to comment to people having problems with Self-Esteem because of this fantastic book I have which has helped me no end. I noticed your post to someone tonight. I thought it was great, well written and very  helpful. Good on you!

Two blood clots in your lungs wow! Did you have to take Warfarin, the blood thinner? And you're worried about your leg. Let me know how you go at the doc's please. You might as well tell Dr T everything - blood tests etc etc. lol.

I don't blame you, those Nicorette are pretty horrible. Peppermints and butterscotch yay! Actually, I am pretty sure Nicorette have new meds now capsules etc. or?

Don't know how my translator will go with the shark quote from Ramnstein. Will  need the advanced model, the Indra 5000 translator. haha!.

Until next time we meet in the "Land of Cyber",

"Qui est en poussant sur les pédales du cycle de la saison?"  XTC

Big cyber hug mon ami!

TMB

[Mares73]

Hi India & TMB I opened this post thinking  one of you could do with some support. And whilst I read ur struggles, I also sense a great connection which is helping you both face life's challenges. My story in brief-grew up in alcoholic violent home, went to  Priest for help & was drugged & raped. Then at 19 met & married the first guy I knew-i cried the night before the wedding. I knew I just didn't feel worthy of being loved or cared for. Fast forward to today I have 2 kids & still with my husband who is battling acute leukemia. It's a dark lonely Road yet I've had to find strength to survive. At the same time I'm going through a civil  case against the priest who abused me. Shame I can't take a similar case against my father but he opted out of life few yrs back. Have either of you read "The Happiness Trap" or lo0ked up Russ Harris online? He practices ACT-ACCEPTANCE & Commitment therapy which i find much more realistic than CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy) which tells us to challenge our thinking. ACT is reverse-its about accepting & not judging how you feel. Not sure what point your each at with depression, anxiety & recovery. I struggle mostly with anxiety of late, always vigilant,  ready for attack. It's exhausting. But I now understand it comes from me being the "parent" in my family as well as my marriage always on alert for threats, moods, tensions. Highly sensitive.I keep being told that I have no self esteem, doubt myself & always put others before myself. So I have a big challenge in accepting myself.  I've also come to isolate myself, losing most friendships & have days where I struggle to leave house-effects of trauma I'm told. Anyway enough about me.My post is titled "how to cope with devastation when life falls apart". I've been a member for coming up 2 yrs I think. I hope you both have a manageable day. Oh & I'm sure I've heard of "TheFall" -is it an English band? What's their biggest hit so I can find them? I've taken to Spodify-all that great music for free. Do either of you have access to it or I could talk u thru steps. You both sound like wonderful grounded people & despite your pain, struggles or battle with the Black Dog-you continue to get back up & most importantly I feel there's a sense of humour-a way to put a a smile on each others face. That can't be underestimated-ive forgotten how to feel happy or even a fledging sense of it. I'd love to laugh. Well  take care, thanks for both ur insights & hope to chat again. Lve Mares

[Indra]

Hi Mares,

Thank you for your sharing your story with me. I am very thankful for TMB's friendship and connection, it is good to find some commarderie with another person and some common interests.  I feel it's is hard to find a connection with people, especially if they don't understand some of the struggles that you face. I am glad I stumbled across the forums on BB, and have had some wonderful support from TMB and other caring people.

Your story is so sad and I am sorry that you have had to go through so much hardship. My mother went through similar abuse at the hands of the church when she was at an orphanage (her mother passed at a young age and my grandfather could not look after 3 small children), she did not want to go through the legal battle as others did that were dealt with a similar fate at the place they were at. She did not believe me at first when I told her that I had been abused as a child. She did cry and apologise to me recently though. For me that part of my past I don't generally like to talk about to much, as I tend to end up with night terrors after doing so. I have moved on so to speak and just tend to deal with the current part of my life.

Laughter is definitely a great coping mechanism, and I do tend to have a very dry one lol Yes, I have Spotify but thank you for the suggestion.

I don't have a choice but to get back up after being knocked down over and over again. I have two wonderful boys that depend on me and me alone. It gives you  sense of purpose for being here. I don't chose to be alone, it's just that circumstances tend to make it that way.

Your compliments are very humbling, I do hope you find the laughter and light that has been missing and continue to stay strong - not only for your children, but most importantly for yourself.

Take care of yourself and appreciate you stopping by,

Indra