Worried

[Rainshaddow]

Hi , new to this , don't know what to expect , suffer from anxiety and depression and C-PTSD , live alone out in rural Aus and just wanted to talk , some form of contact ,

[Kitty1991]

Hi Rainshaddow, I will check out that audio book. I am sorry you got knocked back for the job. That’s tough. Was it the one you were in the2nd stage? Or are you still waiting for a response?
i also find I am more anxious when I am alone or tired too. I haven’t had a meltdown in about a week which is awesome 😊. I am now in the stage of everything is too hard and I am just miserable all the time, don’t know why I guess that’s just my depression coming through.
it’s funny that your mind goes blank for sudoku 🤣 mine goes blank for crosswords.

My scarf is looking good a nice green blue colour, it is actually really good to keep my mind occupied whilst I watch TV. I tend to catastrophise a bit with my thoughts when I watch tv.

I am going for my first jab of Pzfier on Monday, don’t really like needles (don’t know many people who do!), but better than no jab.
Take care Rainshaddow, good luck with the job hunt 🙂🤞👍 talk soon

[Rainshaddow]

Hi Kitty ✈️ , it wasn't one of the ones that I'm at stage 2 with , still waiting to hear about both the stage 2 jobs , 🤞

That's great news about no recent meltdowns , good to hear , yes I have those everything is too hard times too , then I get the urge to do everything i have slacked off on all at once , frustrating !

I do the catastrophising thing too , really hard not to , the longer i leave something festering away the worse I get , I have to fix it immediately or concentrate really hard not to mess up in the first place ( say or do something wrong or forget something ) it's really exhausting , even after speaking to friends about this stuff I feel guilty for burdening them , catastrophising must be part of anxiety/depression/OCD/C-PTSD , or a combo of all of them , I got all of the above , yay ! 🥺

Good your booked for your first Pfizer covid needle , the person who gave me mine said to cough just before he injected me as apparently the cough distracts our brain from the needle and the pain of it , I did as he said and it worked ! I dislike needles , Pfizer seems to have the best efficacy and I have not heard of side effects with it as yet , compared to astrazenica blood clots . And yes any jab is better than no protection from covid , especially that delta strain one ,

How's the job going ?

I got another audio book to listen to , it's called " Calm the f... Down " about anxiety , American lady , listened to it all once so far , seems ok , will listen to it a few more times so it sinks in .

Applied for 2 more jobs this morning back in mining , that's about 8 in a week , did Tuesdays crossword in the coffee shop with mugs of hot tea and scones and jam again , absolutely pouring down 🚣 , dark and cold 🥶 ,

How do you go with sleep ? I am struggling with it still , no matter what time I go to bed I only get 6 hours .

Any improvement in things with the increase in medication ? I am so tempted to fill the script I have for medication but got to get back to mines and got to pass a d n a test to do that , so just got to ride things out , the upside of anxiety is the weight loss I guess , silver linings .

I hope you have some friends and family around that can understand how things are and help a bit , it's difficult otherwise I have found ,

Bye for now 👋

[Isabella_]

Hello there,

That imagery of doing a crossword in a coffee shop with tea and scones on a cloudy day.. made my heart so full, I thought I'd just let you know. That's so lovely ❤️

Unfortunately I'm in Sydney so no coffee shops for us, but I did get the vaccine also 🙂

I hope you're staying well!

[Kitty1991]

Hi Rainshaddow, I am really glad it wasn’t the jobs at the second stage. Hopefully you hear something soon, your definitely trying really hard to get a job.

My job is going okay, it is really quiet with borders shut and people unable to fly. So everyone is waiting for more stand downs 😟. I try not to think about it to much. There is no more job keeper so stand downs this year will be brutal. But maybe things will improve.

I think there must be an improvement with my medication because I feel more emotionally stable, but I am more depressed. I have realised that I am not happy in my current 10 year relationship (been engaged for 5-6 years). It feels like I am the only one making any effort, everything is my responsibility and he isn’t willing to help out. I am the only one working and we barely survive on my wage, pay cheque to pay cheque. But he isn’t willing to look for work as he isn’t interested and I am too shallow (apparently) to want more income to make our life together easier. So I have organised couples counseling as a last effort to keep everything together. I really don’t think it will work but we should try. He has already stated that he won’t change his values for me sooo this will be fun 😕. I get super stressed over our budget and I genuinely think it might be contributing to my depression and anxiety, especially since I don’t feel supported. He doesn’t believe so, just that I might have something else wrong with me 🥺.
I am already starting to worry about the counseling and the potential big change. Maybe we can work it out but I don’t know how.

I like your idea of coughing when I get my vaccine, will definitely do that 👍

I also get really guilty when I talk to my friends about what I am going through, feel like a burden, but I am happy to listen to them. It’s weird, I always feel selfish - like I am making everything about me when I talk, so I tend not to talk much.

ohh no I hope the rain stops soon and it gets warmer (winter is almost over). To think I am rugged up at work (it’s 15’C) thinking it’s cold. Such a delicate Queenslander 🤣. I imagine it’s so much colder over there. Much closer to Antartica.
.....

[Kitty1991]

.... sorry ran outta space...

I am able to get to sleep much better now, I do wake up exhausted a lot though, that’s the night shift though. I find myself going back to bed for cat naps a lot during the day. I think that is a motivation issue though. Have you tried listening to music or something when you sleep. It might help I like to listen to Indian flute music I find it very relaxing. I imagine the job hunting would be really anxiety inducing as well. I find days that I go for a walk or do some exercise I sleep better. Do you find this?

How is your injury going on your arm/shoulder that you had X-rays for- has it fully healed or still going?
How is the volunteering going? Is it getting an easier interacting with the people?

Bye stay nice and warm and dry 👋

[Rainshaddow]

Sorry all , can't do much ATM , bad anxiety , not functioning well at all

[Kitty1991]

That’s okay Rainshaddow. I’m here if you want to talk at all.

[Kitty1991]

Hi Rainshaddow,

Its okay if you can’t reply to this post if your still in a bad place -absolutely no pressure at all okay. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and you can lean of me anytime if you want to talk. Even if it’s a confusing anxiety spiral conversation (I am sure you know what I mean 🙂) .
I know it is really hard to do when we are anxious, but maybe you could put your feet up, listen to some calming music (Indian flute music works well for me) and just focus on breathing for awhile.

I hope your doing better. Talk soon 👌👍🙂

[Rainshaddow]

Hi Kitty , how are you going with things ? How's life ? I have surfaced at last , apologies for my absence , I just have trouble functioning at times , unfortunatly both stage 2 jobs fell through , got emails from both saying I had not been successfull , bugger ! I just keep trying .

Hopefully NSW gets their act together and gets on top of things so we can kinda head back to normal and more flights can resume and this can help the sector your in with job certainty , it must be such a strain on you , wish I had a magic wand , I would use it to assist you immediately 🙂 great news that your medication increase may be starting to help , I have gone and gotten some medication myself from the dr , way to much of an anxiety depression rollercoaster ride for me , it's exhausting and stops me from fully functioning .

So sorry to hear your man isn't pulling his weight in the relationship and with finances , that sux eh , it's meant to be a partnership , equals , together for the greater good of the relationship , one sided all the time is really tough to cope with , I'm so sorry this is happening to you , as if covid and job/ money worries aren't enough 🥺

Have you had your couples councilling as yet ? I hope it does do some good if and when it happens and he can start to understand another person's position and feelings .

Yes I get the guilts with friends when I talk too much about my issues , I do listen to my friends too , they also experience life issues , but different to mine , they are married or together long time and kids and houses etc , and I haven't done any of that , actually I have had a house but it's gone now .

Rain has stopped a few days ago , been sunny mostly and bit warmer days and warmer nights too , it's good as the weight of all the doonas and blankets was getting heavy and hard to breath under that weight , I ended up putting more clothes on to go to bed in , get up in the morning and open the fridge to warm my hands up 🤪 am sure I have seen icebergs floating past the beach during moonlit nights , oh I do tend to wander to the head of the lake where it meets the ocean if I can't sleep and it's not raining . It's very deserted and sometimes really quiet , just a gentle lap of waves , and then other times it's roaring and I can't hear the tele !

[Rainshaddow]

And yep we are closer to Antarctica , sometimes the wind coming off the ocean can cut right through a person , like there are icebergs just off the coast that have floated up from the south pole and the wind gets that chill factor .

I write down on a pad the longer conversation s we have so as remember what you have said and so I don't forget to reply to anything you have said , so apologies if sometimes I may sound a bit mechanical the way I write/reply .

You spoke about shift work and tiredness , it can really mess with our body clock and sercadian rythem , I think that's how it's spelt , thought my phone would know but it just shrugged it's shoulders and said I don't know , your in a library , find a dictionary I'm exhausted 🤣 I did shift work on the mines for years did 8 and 12 hr shifts , really draining by the last one eh , it would take me 2 days to become human again after a 2 week swing of 12 hr shifts , the cat naps you take are a good way to catch up I think , I would do the same .

The idea of some music is good , I have listened in the past but forgot about that recently , I had been listening to relaxing Indian sitar music aswell as relaxing guitar , harmonica and I think it was also oboe music oh and cello I think the instrument is , I typed in relaxing . . . . . . . into YouTube music and these all came up , the Indian sitar music had a set of tea candles as a picture on the YouTube site , really relaxing , that was when I first got back to our property in March , still nice weather , turn that music up, turn off all the lights and stand outside in the paddock and share at the stars , amazing sight in a clear still night as we are 25 K from town so no light pollution to spoil the night sky . I will definately look for the Indian flute music tonite

Oh and I just recalled something you said about yourself , you said you were shallow , or that your partner had said or inferred that , I would just like to say that from our few talks on this site I think and believe that you are far from shallow , I think you are thoughtfull , kind , understanding , helpfull , intelligent , a bit of a softy , ( that's a good thing ) a thinker , good at communicating your thoughts and feelings , a good listener and compassionate , I don't believe for one second that you are shallow . Far far from it , you have too many great qualities that I can see just from us speaking this way .