Who am I?

[Not_Batman]

My father died when i was 10, and so was raised with 2 other sibblings by mum. We grew up in some form of poverty, so didnt have the same oportunities as my fellow classmates.

Very quick background, i know. It wasnt until i was in my 20s where i realised a lot and despised as much about my childhood.

All seemed to be going well until the panic atacks started when i went to uni in my mid 20s. These subsided after a short while, then flared ip when i had both my children and reflecting on not having a father growing up, which pains me imensely to this day. After having a very difficult and demanding period at work i fell in a hole, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and quickly got put onto medication (which has helped with the Anx&dep)

Reflecting on my past, and my present, i have come to the conclusion that i have no idea who i am. How do i put my past behind me, how i settle my nerves,

How do i find me?

so many questions.

[Not_Batman]

Yesterday was ok. I felt a little overwhelmed but had a good talk with friends.

5pm hit and i felt really good and energised. Did the dishes and made dinner, and said to mrs not_batman that i feel like my old self.

today not so good. Still woke up early. The negative thoughts and ideation returned, and was tired all day. Psych appt was a tear jerker.

i felt a little better by 2pm and managed to get a couple of things done. Only small things, but small wins add up.

Not_Batman

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Not Batman...

Talking with friends is good isn’t it?...gives our soul most times a little lift..I’m pleased that you had a good talk to them....

Ah..yes the flood of tears when talking to our psych...I can relate to that...It’s okay to cry Dear NB...I think that’s a way of healing our past..getting out of our vault and then being able to process them....

You done well cooking dinner and doing the dishes..well done...Yes little steps at a time does eventually join together and before we know it...we have accomplished something we thought we never could....

You are an amazing person NB...the way you continually try to walk the walk to wellness...It’s not easy to do...but you’re doing it in small steps....

Wishing you peace..

Grandy...

[Doolhof]

Hi Not_Batman and a "ggodaye" to Grandy and all reading,

Those small wins may seem insignificant at the time, if we acknowledge them, are thankful for them and credit them to our achievement list, they can be very beneficial.

Some days our minds are very stubborn and want to stay in that not so pleasant place. I do try hard most days to accept them and try to move on.

For me, crying at the psychologist is totally acceptable and understandable. We reveal so much about ourselves to these people. A good psychologist has ways to assist us in opening up and being honest with ourselves about what is going on. That can be tough.

Have you thought of recording the good things that happen each day, the little wins, the successes, even if it is showering and maybe washing your hair. Being able to look back at what we have achieved can help boost our morale.

Hope you have an okay kind of day today with moments to be thankful or grateful for.

Cheers from Dools

[Not_Batman]

Thank you Grandy & Dools.

last night i opened up to mrs not_Batman about it all. She asked if there was something we could put on paper to help with the thoughts and troubles.
so we did just that, and i listed a lot (not everything but a lot) that was troubling me at work, and what thoughts i was having. We then went through and crossed of everything that was outside of my control. This took maybe 30% of the list away. The next thing to fo was apply the 4D’s (do, delete, delegate, defer) to what was left of the list. Add a priority or time frame to each task, and then i have a list that i can focus on doing one thing at a time. Still a daunting list.
with that list done i felt better.

sleeping was ok, but i did wake up early. I took the advise i had been given of not looking at the clock, and dont worry about getting back to sleep if i cant, the main thing was to treat it as an oportunity to just rest. Not being hung up about getting back to sleep, just rest. So i did that. I was still quite tired all day, but managed to squeeze in a couple of 45 min naps. Also watched the Inside Out movie with my daughter.

today i took the kids out for lunch, and we went for a walk together. The intrusive thoughts were in the back of my mind, but were suppressed a little, i guess because my main focus was to ensure the kids were safe and having a good time.

we took the dog for a walk later in the afternoon, which was nice.

i know there are a lot of positives in there, but in such a dark time they are hard to see.

i came up with something to challenge my thoughts. Im not worthless, i am worth more!

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to work out where to put my feet to be able to climb out.

Not_Batman

[Doolhof]

Hi Not_Batman,

Thank you so much for sharing this! I really like the idea of sitting down and writing a list and sharing those thoughts with Mrs. Not_Batman! I wish I had the guts to do that with my husband! I like the 4 Ds and am going to adopt those, thanks.

It can be hard to stop those intrusive thoughts in the early hours of the morning when we can't sleep. I sometimes do word puzzles in my mind, picture sheep jumping over a fence-once they were wearing pink tutus in my imagination! Or I tell myself it is comforting to just rest and snooze until I need to get up.

My psychologist told me I need to include more opportunities and time to do pleasurable activities, even when they don't feel pleasurable at the time. This is supposed to increase/change the neural pathways in the brain so thoughts stop leading you down the same old path way and create a new vision.

It is wonderful you were able to participate in activities despite those thoughts at the back of your mind. Today I am wanting to do some gardening. My mind is telling me it is too overwhelming and what is the point. If I do some gardening, I will have a sense of achievement, I will have less to do next time, I will be in the fresh air, out of the house, I will not have given in to my negative thoughts and will not at the end of the day feel like I have wasted the day walking around in circles inside the house because I can't decide what to do!

Thanks so much for the inspiration!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Not_Batman]

Please tell me the last 2 weeks were just a horrible dream.

same wake up routine today, awake at about 4. I couldnt help being worried about the day, so couldnt rest. At least today i had a plan to get things done.

at work i made a small list of things to do. I think it was 6 things. Some little some big. I managed to cross 4 of those things off. Spoke to a customer about some technical stuff, and helped a colleague with some excel functions. All of that gave me a boost of self esteem. I listened to some repetitive positive affirmations today, as well as some happiness music. I think that helped. i didnt get everything achieved today that i had planned, but its ok.

i went for a walk in the rain with my brolly, at lunch. Trying to stay active.

so today i am feeling better. Still very tired, and still down but not like i was before. I hope this feeling gets better.

Not_Batman

[Doolhof]

Hi Not_Batman

The last two weeks may well have felt like a horrible dream to you. The thing is YOU SURVIVED! You are learning new ways to look after yourself and creating a new beginning for yourself each day.

Last year I was having a ghastly time and had no idea how to get through each day. I did. One day at a time. One moment at time. It was tough. I am realising I have to be kinder to myself. I need to accept that not every day is going to feel like a good day and that is okay!

Be proud of yourself for trying at work today. You had achievements. You were able to help someone else. You have accepted that felt good. Grow on those things.

If you wake early again with worries on your mind, can you get up, write the worries down, then think of three things to be thankful for and go back to bed.

If my brain is working overtime I try to think of a fruit or vegetable starting with every letter of the alphabet, then try another category. I don't have a lot of apps on my phone to play with and if I did use my phone early in the morning, I would start checking messages and emails!

Another thing I like doing when going walking is to take photos of interesting things with my phone. I like at them later and it helps me to be appreciative of what I have seen.

One thing I remind myself is some days are going to have awful moments! As long as I find a way past that moment I will be okay.

Congratulations on being so aware of what you want changed in your life! Congratulations for not giving up!

Thank you for sharing your inspiring journey with us!

Cheers from Dools

[Not_Batman]

Not going so well today. 😞

yesterday i was in a funk all day which i found hard to get out of. Even completing some small tasks, i found it hard to become satisfied, and just couldnt enjoy anything.

today started the usual way, waking up at 3am and just dozing until 6.
the way to work i kept reassuring myself that i am worthy, i am capable, i am smart, i can do this. Then i read my first email this morning which was very critical, to the point where there was a thread to cancel what I was working on...guess how that made me feel.

then the negative thoughts took over, and feeling very close to panic. I feel like i cant take this anymore. Im trying my best, but my best isnt good enough.

Im trying to remain positive, and just do one thing at a time.

[Not_Batman]

My psych had put me onto self compassion. So i have a little homework to do. In saying that, is there any self compassion techniques, mantras, etc that anyone uses.

Today has been a sinusoidal sort of day being down, up, down, up, down, and since this afternoon - up. Trying to keep it there.

Talking about self compassion, I am really proud of myself as right now just writing this i got a work email from a person that caused me so much pain and anguish from an email earlier in the week. I looked at it (silly me) to see what it was about. I read it, closed it, and thought to myself that it is not important until 7am tomorrow morning. And im not thinking any more about it. I have no anxiety about it.

Not_Batman

[Ggrand]

Hello NB..

Youre doing a very good job of managing those negative thoughts and turning them around with self talk..well done..

I think if we treat and speak to ourselves in the same way we treat and speak to other people we care and love...Then you are giving yourself self. Impassion....If your friend was having time about something he was doing..you would speak to him gently with care and try to help him...

NB...might not feel like it...but your best..is the best you can do...and we can’t do any better then our best....Doing one thing at a time is the best way to do anything...

I hope you get some good sleep tonight..NB...good night..sleep tight..wake up to see the light..

Grandy..