When workplace culture brings everything to a head

[VegeHead]

Hi everyone - first time poster, but I feel like I need to talk to people who may understand.
After years of what I consider low key depression, handled ok during that time with meds, I've had a major meltdown. I had to have a week off work 10 months ago, because I felt so overwhelmed with anxiety from the job. I'd never felt anxiety like that - where you feel so trapped in thought processes of confusion.
My meds were increased and I had talks with my boss to rectify some of the issues. All went well for a while, until the same stressors crept back in and I started to feel like nothing had been resolved.
I've battled on through these past months, with another increase of meds during that time, but something snapped in me last week.
I was hearing other staff laughing and carrying on as I perceive they do alot, with my boss saying to me, "have you done this"..."Could you fix that issue"...and I thought that's it, I can't do this anymore - I can't be the "backbone" of the place (as I've been called by other staff), while my perceptions of the culture within the workplace diminishes. So I just left and went home - got a medical certificate for 7 days and here I am. I have also now put in for an extra two weeks leave on top of it - giving myself time to figure things out and try to feel better.
I work in a small team environment, where I'm senior to others in age and experience, but considered on the same level in my role title.
It's been an occupation that I enjoy, but I just can't seem to overcome the thoughts that overwhelm me throughout the work day. New staff come in and others latch onto them for the social aspect, management of staff could be better- I just feel overwhelmed. It's an issue that always seems to rear it's ugly head with me.
There are other factors in my life over the years that have contributed to the way I am - I've had to be the "strong one" through some traumatic times which include - lost my husband to illness 5 years ago - I'm estranged from two of my adult children - I know these are also factors which have contributed to me not 'being strong'.
I'm in therapy and doing a lot of inner work and am actually prepared to leave this job without another one lined up. It scares the hell out of me, but makes me frustrated to think I'm leaving because I can't handle the culture that place has become - or what I perceive it has become - that they value the social aspect over the work aspect. I feel in a mess of late.
Thanks for listening.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi VegeHead,

Workplace culture is so very tough isn't it? Especially when you're highly perceptive, and sensitive to interpersonal dynamics. Funny how you can love a job, but the culture of workplacce can be what brings you down..

Honestly, i don't know what you should do, but I can say with a lot of conviction, that writing out ALL your feelings can *really* help point you in the right direction. ``I feel this'' ``I wish this''... Its so much easier to deal with the present, than your fears of the unknown in the future.

if you want to, this is a really good place to express those feelings with some support?

[VegeHead]

Thank you Bindi - I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Yes it has been quite difficult to navigate my brain around the workplace culture, especially in the last couple of years as new staff have come in and the dynamics have changed.

I do believe that I am highly sensitive and pick up on subtle things, not just in work but in every aspect of my life.
My work involves animal health, which can be stressful yet rewarding. I'm passionate about my job, always working hard and the fixer of problems that arise. I feel like that has been detrimental to a certain extent, because the resentment set in.

For so long it was nice to feel like I had the knowledge to bring about solutions, but on the other hand I started to feel I was being used as the easy way out ,so others didn't have to deal with the stress.
I do not want to sound like I'm blaming others. We all have different ethics when it comes to work and I understand at this point in time my thought processes are all over the place.

I know that this is my issue - and that it is more than likely a part of a much bigger issue within me.
At least I have given myself the space and time to sort through the feelings.
Thanks again.

[bindi-QLD]

Hey Vege,

I think i have some idea of what you mean; I work in wildlife care and pet rehoming and I *really* take animal welfare /humane treatment very seriously. And like you, I'm pretty experienced and get good results...

And sigh, the area attracts all kinds of ppl, with a load of different ethics and attitudes; you get so many gems, and also a lot of inexperienced but well meaning people, the `burn-outs' who just don't care any more, and society at large, the way human activity and priorities impact of animals and all the issues beyond our control...

In my experience, if this is something you truly care about, its a tightrope to find your balance between burn-out/grief/ and doing good. Maybe its a lifelong challenge. I've seen excellent ppl burn brightly for 2 years, then disappear from the field. And also the same kind of ppl change the kind of work they do (like maybe get into an allied field) and do most of their work privately, like I do.

Anyway hugs, i know its a lot to think about, but its so wonderful that you have a passion, and probably even a vocation. In the long run your life will be rich IMO, no matter what approach you take, or what happens with this job. Its important to take care of you X

[VegeHead]

I totally agree with everything you wrote Bindi. I really do believe I am suffering burn out. I put my soul into my work, and unfortunately the consequence of that finds me at home working through my issues. I know I'm an "all in" kind of person - I'll do 200% if that means I get that pay-off of self justification. In turn, I then can't see why others don't put everything into their efforts - which is irrational thinking on my part.
Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to not be me and to be like others, but then who knows what they think and feel...it might just be easier for them to cover it up. I'm more a what you see is what you get kind of person, with emotions written all over my face.
Yes...lots for me to think about and work through including the anxiety and depression. I believe that no matter what happens, I won't lose my compassion and empathy for other beings. It's just focusing on the positives of each day - one of which is your dialogue with me.
Thanks for your continuing words of kindness and encouragement.