When I freak out

[CherryOnTop]

I have anxiety and depression, which I see a therapist for once a month. One thing I never bring up is this panic attacks

I'm really messy. I don't want to be but I just can't not be messy. I think the depression takes my energy and motivation away to do it and the anxiety means I don't think I'll do it right.

Anywya because I am so messy I lose things all the time. But because I have such strict rules I can't function without these items. Like today I wanted to go for a run. but I couldn't find my sunglasses. My rule, because I have really photosensitive eyes, is that I can't go outside without sunglasses. It was still sunny but the sun was going to set half way through and it's not the middle of summer or anything. I tore the whole house up and down. As usual I throw things and I break things- I want to break things and make loud noses- I get hysterical and really angry with myself. Partly I'm angry because I'm so strict about these rules and partly because I am so angry about myself for constantly losing things. I was particularly angry today because I was feeling really fat so I wanted to run, also because I'd told my family I was going to run so I felt I should and also it was my treat to myself on my birthday. Anyway after it all dies down I cry a lot and I hate myself, wishing I could have had what I planned on having. And I feel like a failure and so ashamed for not accomplishing what I set out to do. And I completely withdraw form people (not that I really see people much anymore) Then I guilty-eat a lot and feel even more guilty and sick. Nevertheless similar things happen all the time. Like the other week I wouldn't go to bed until I found my phone and I had the same reaction. Or once it was because I couldn't find the jeans I wanted to wear that day or my new gym shoes.

Does anyone have any coping strategies or suggestions on how to handle this (obviously being neater is one but I really don't know how) because it's just ruining everything I do.
Thanks

[hayleynew]

Welcome to the forum.

I would highly recommend talking to your therapist about these panic attacks and the rules you have. Where did thee rules stem from? What made you put them in place? If you can't answer these questions in this forum then the therapist can help you work that out and there may well be a connection between the panic attacks and the rules.

I have one bit of advice; it's hard to say because if I'm right, you are consumed by these rules and you punish yourself for not getting them correct or not following them in the order you have set, but don't punish yourself. If you don't find something, no one will punish you except for yourself. One strategy you can use is if you want have these things to go running, wear a specific thing that day, set aside enough time so that you can find them and be prepared or have a system in place so you know where these things are in a rush so you can pick them up and go. To find something, I make sure I have a colour coated wardrobe that way I can find exactly what I'm looking for. At the moment, it is messy and I can't find anything which I'm anxious about but I keep reminding myself IT WILL GET DONE EVENTUALLY. I suppose, you could say you are using a different crutch to replace the one you currently have with your system or rules.

And breathe.

I hope this helps and gives you a few ideas to run with,

Kind regards,

Hayleynew

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey CherryOnTop,

Thank you for posting. From my perspective, it sounds like being messy is kind of part of this vicious cycle. Messy - lose things - look - get angry - break things - cry - hate yourself and feel like a failure - withdraw - eat - feel guilty - unmotivated - messy.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation but I'm super glad that you've reached out.

I'm also really glad that you are seeing a therapist about this and strongly encourage you to bring it up with them. There is nothing to be afraid of and that's exactly what they are there to do.

One thing that I'm thinking though is some things you could try in the meantime - these are only things that have helped me but it's up to you if you'd like to try them (of course) -

What if for example, you lost your sunglasses again, but instead of breaking things - you went and broke some ice? (Less damage to your things, same impact) Or switched the exercise from running to some yoga or weights? There are a lot of different exercises that can be done from home that are still good for weight-loss but don't necessarily require equipment. Even dance - such a great way to relieve stress and perfect with good music. I think the aim would be to try to find ways to help make that cycle a little bit easier to break.

What are the things that you love about yourself? What are the things you love about your body? This can be a super confronting exercise but it can also be really helpful. Maybe it might be that you are strong, or have a great sense of humour or are a lovely friend/partner/girlfriend/wife. Write these things down. Maybe you have strong legs, or soft skin or you like the colour of your eyes - doesn't matter. If you can't think of anything ask someone to help you. Then, next time you are feeling low, read it all. Lists like these can help us challenge our negative thoughts and assumptions. You haven't failed, you are not a failure. Maybe you made a mistake - that's human. It's hard to be neat and tidy when we're struggling.

and maybe, when you're not struggling so much - getting neater will be easier. Finding organising systems that work for you - like having clothes ready to go - just as Hayleynew suggested.

You are more than your mess. Don't stop reminding yourself of that 🙂