Feeling like I've fallen behind in life experiences

[oldmate322]

I'm struggling lately with anxiety, and among some of my issues is this feeling of inadequacy in terms of life experiences.

I'm 28 and I've recently moved to Sydney and started a new career. I was originally from Newcastle and I completed my degree, but I always felt like I was behind in that. Additionally in my personal life (sex, sexual partners, etc) was always lacking, I constantly felt like I was left behind, like I didn't go out and party/enjoy my youth as much and now everybody has shifted on to the next stage of life. Now I've moved to a new city, moved out of home, started a relationship (with all the associated sex etc) and in all respects I feel like I'm so far behind in everything, like I missed out on a huge chunk of what I should have experienced to get here. It makes me feel inadequate around other people, whom I feel have experienced life and makes me feel like I'll always be on the back foot. I'm trying to engage myself in new activities now but the feelings of inadequacy are floating around and it's giving me anxiety attacks which are affecting my work. The big trigger is my new relationship, having only had a very brief one previously when I was 19 and very limited sexual experience. In short I'm worried about going on to the adult side of my life having never experienced an idealised youth

[sensitiveswan]

Oldmate,

You are still young!! There is time to party if you want to. I also feel inadequate sometimes around people I meet now, for the opposite reason than you. I partied hard, grew up very slowly, travelled overseas and generally didn't think too much about the future. Now I'm in the town I grew up in, married and living with my husband in a rented one bedroom apartment. Everyone I have seen that stayed in town owns property - some of them beautiful big houses. It makes me embarrassed to invite anyone around. I guess what I'm saying is that we all have issues. Anxiety sucks, and I know what it is like to get in that neverending circle of panic. Have you seen a doctor? They may be able to help. I know it has helped me. They can put you on a mental health plan where you get to see a psychologist at a reduced rate or even free! Cognitive behavioural therapy is what helped my anxiety the most. I think I cried through the first two sessions though, but somehow it really helped.

You finished your degree - that is something to be incredibly proud of! Try not to be too hard on yourself (again, I know it's not that easy). Your girlfriend is with you because she likes you. If you feel like partying, see if she wants to party with you. Or go on fun dates like a theme park, laser tag, clubbing, bowling, ice skating, dance around the lounge room etc (whatever you both might like) and the fun memories will hopefully soon take over the negative feelings and doubts. Be true to yourself though. If you're not a party animal and never have been, that's ok. You are a unique person and you will find your place in the world. You have a job which will allow you to go out to restaurants, go on holidays - the world and the future is yours for the taking. I have faith you can do it. And don't worry about other people, they'll generally be too busy worrying about themselves to be judging you.

Go easy on yourself oldmate x

[WoozieSuzie]

Hi Oldmate,

i really wanted to respond to you as I feel your pain. I am 50 and female but I somewhat understand what you are experiencing. I grew up in a very small town and moved to Melbourne as a 21 year old and felt like a country bumpkin.....I was so far behind in experience but I eventually discovered that my childhood was a blessing compared to some city kids who had done everything already and once I got to know them, told me they wished that they had not done everything so soon. I was out discovering things they had already done, and deep down they were sad because they missed the excitement of my new experiences (it took ages for some of them to admit this). Let me tell you, it's more exciting to be doing things the first time then the 20th.....they are probably a bit bored deep down and just putting on a "bravado" in front of their friends and you. I did not marry until 3 years ago and I never had children, so I definitely walked the path less travelled compared to my friends. Try to find a friend who is similar to you (that's what I did), not just friends who have done it all - is it possible there are others from Newcastle who are similar to you in experiences? I've always had my country buddies (2 of them) who never had children - we can talk about life from a different angle, not bad or worse like outcasts, but different. What I've learned at 50 is we live in a competitive world, but everyone is more focused on their own achievements than they are on what you are doing (sad but true). Live life your own way as your way is awesome too! Also wander around this forum area - I'm amazed at how many like minded people there are right here. You will probably find many with your same problem and realise it's quite normal and definitely nothing to worry about. I hope life in Sydney gets better and better for you.

[White_Rose]

Dear Oldmate

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue, It's good you have found your way here and I hope we can support and help you. Woozie Suzie has given some great suggestions from her experience of life. As a grandma I have seen two generations grow up and make their way in the world, enjoying their experiences, making mistakes and getting on with their lives.

If I may tell you a little about my children. My eldest daughter wanted to explore the world from the day she could toddle and caused me a lot of anxiety as she took off down the road aged three, without me noticing. My second daughter was more content to stay at home and take her time before leaving home. Didn't go until she was 21. My eldest son was keen to out into the world but with far more nervousness that his elder sister. My youngest has never wanted to leave home but when he did he found a partner very soon and settled down as husband and father. I hope I haven't bored you with these details. I wanted to demonstrate how even siblings are different to each other.

By the way, three of my children live in Brisbane and the other lives in Melbourne. All grew up in country Qld.

I find young people (teenagers to early 20s) choose their own road. Sometimes it's because there a fewer options, but often it's because they are not ready, in some way, to do the things others do. I hope that makes sense.

Can I ask you want you want to do? What is it you feel you have missed out on. Do you feel you are now unable to go there and do that. I agree with Suzie that doing everything by the time you have finished uni doesn't leave much. You have mentioned your sex life a couple of times and I (also) wonder if you feel you should have had more experience here. Being promiscuous is not necessarily a good thing. The attitude that there is always another girl (I am presuming you are male) is not as satisfying as many people try to say. Learning and loving with your partner is actually more satisfying than trying to bed fifty girls before you are 30, despite what your friends may say.

Don't be afraid to be a novice. It's fun learning and far more rewarding. Take your time.

Mary

[oldmate322]

Thanks guys, these have been helpful. 🙂 I guess it's just that I feel like everybody has moved on to the next stage in life 'the marriage/kids' stage (including my girlfriend, who has an idea of where she wants her life to go) and the fact I've only just gotten here now makes me wonder what I want out of life.

i completed a law degree and it took me 2 years to find a job, it's not a lawyer position, more a stepping stone than a job I see myself doing forever.

While I don't really want to go around the world on a waterbed, it has been tough because I feel like my girlfriend and the other ppl I meet have had more of the fun crazy upbringing that I sort of idealised my youth to be (sex, drugs, partying etc). While I'm not a crazy party person persay, and have done some stuff that could fall into that category, In a lot of ways I still feel like I've not achieved that level of maturity that everyone else has because I haven't lived through that.

I am seeing a psychologist and taking some minor meds for my anxiety. I do like these forums though because I feel less alone when the anxiety is on me.

I guess I'm just unsure of what I want in life, it took me so long to get here, and I don't know now what the next step is.

[Muddlee]

Hi oldmate322,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the BB forums and a super job for seeing psychologist/GP and seeking professional treatment. Reaching out for help and support is the best thing to do when something's on your mind.

Secondly, I can totally relate to your situation. I'm 21, studying law and have spent way to much time worrying about missing out on life experiences. I was diagnosed with GAD 1.5 years ago and have made some awesome progress through therapy, seeing my GP regularly, exercising, going out with friends, meditation etc.

But one thing that's always on my mind is whether I'm living life to my fullest potential. I hate it when I see my friends go out to music festivals, parties, to the beach or even the local kebab store and I'm stuck at home studying or resting after a tough week. I always think to myself "There they are living life and I'm sitting here doing nothing!" It makes me feel inadequate, frustrated and defeated. And even when I go out I feel like I'm not really "living", that is to say, I'm not as "relaxed" or "carefree" as the rest of my friends.

But then you've got to think about your circumstances and whether these thoughts are actually true. You said you've got a new job, have completed your law degree (so jealous!) and have recently moved homes opening up a window of new and exciting opportunities. I'd be more than happy to achieve all of that before 30, let alone 28. Plus, the fact that you feel that you've missed out on sexual experiences is totally fine. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 20! Plenty of people feel that way and I'm sure you'll reel one in soon enough. And last but not least, I think with both of us we feel like we're not actually "living" but in truth we are. Stick to your treatment options and I'm 100% sure that you'll realise you've actually "lived" life for so long and will continue to improve the quality of your life experiences in years to come.

Sincerely wishing you the best

Muddlee.

[White_Rose]

Hello Oldmate

How are you going? I dropped by to see what is happening in your life. You have achieved a great deal so far and should be proud of yourself. Just a thought, you could have gone through all the experiences your friends describe and ended up without qualifications, damaged by drugs or alcohol, or so blasé about life that nothing interests you any more. This is also a real scenario.

So you are a late started, so what? I think you are in a better position to offer a stable, long term relationship to someone than many of your friends. In the meantime, go out and party, try all sorts of activities to find out your interests and become involved in what suits you.

Sorry to sound like your grandma, it's an occupational hazard. Go out and enjoy in the way you want. Don't just follow the herd. OK?

(Grandma) Mary