what am I doing

[dougall]

I do not know how to use this site and was looking for someone just to chat with.  I suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal quite a few times over the past 2years.  I have a husband who left because he did not want to know and kept saying get over it already.  Have a son who copes by hiding in his room playing games.  Have no family all abroad.  Find myself trying to push myself out of the quick sand and occasionally slipping under.  Made a promise to son so have not gone as far as I have wanted to.  Had counseling for 12 months. just don't know where or what to do as anxiety stops me from talking to total strangers.  Very lonely and confused as to what is expected of me.

[white knight]

Hi Dougall, Welcome to beyond Blue forums.

"Get over it". We here mention these 'wise' and 'qualified' comments all the time. Qualified doctors study for years after  to be psychiatrists and along comes your spouse to offer their opinion that you can just "get over it". Sorry for digressing, I get a little annoyed.

Anxiety, like many forms of mental illness, need a mix of treatments for success in reducing it. And like other forms of MI anxiety you rarely ever get rid of it- you have to manage it. My anxiety, which was quite severe, peaked in 1987 and what followed was 12 years of medication and 25 years of other exercises to reduce it to a level where it is rarely identified as anxiety to me.

That "mix" includes- medication, deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle tensioning, therapy, reading, separating fantasy from reality and adjusting your life to make it as comfortable as possible which could include keeping distant from those that trigger or cause anxiety attacks. Toxic people are not something I entertain in my life now. It's a tough call sometimes to eliminate or heavily restrict a family member because they think more of their own selfish needs than caring for you.

Sounds harsh and challenging? Not really. It's tuning your life so you can survive it for yourself and more importantly- for your child.

As for your son "coping by hiding in his room" that is almost the norm nowadays. But you could introduce one activity each fortnight (finances allowing) that will keep his happiness in tact.  Hot air ballooning, gliding, paintball, horse riding, go cart etc.  Then at the end of that activity plan the next one so he knows there is something special coming his way.

Before you know it you might be in a karting group that will enable you to mix with other parents.

Take care.  Tony

[dougall]

Thank you white knight for the reply.  We go through life the way we choose and sometimes that is through a haze of unrealistic thoughts.  When you are scared and want to turn for help you freeze and the voices say why would thy want to help you can do it yourself.  My upbringing has taught me to be independent, stubborn and too stupid to ask for help, this is as close as I have got.  Any kind of contact to me is a precious gift so thank you once again for your reply.  Son is not interested in anything that does not involve electronical things.  He does not like mixing with people he has anxiety about crowds or strangers so makes it hard to cope with mine and his with no help.  He will not go and see anyone or talk to someone and his dad as usual says he'll get over it, what do you want me to do.

[dougall]

Hi still trying to work out how to use the site.  I have read through what people are writing and what they are putting up with and trying to get through, I can relate to them yet I still think I am wasting peoples time by even thinking I have any kind of problem.  In my head I know I need to talk to anyone as suicidal thoughts at least once a month is not normal.  When I do feel okay then the sun is shinning as bright as it can and when the clouds go over it I feel myself go down that deep hole that I have to climb out of or it swallows me up.  I am going through quite a bit yet my emotions go out to everyone else and I think why should I waste peoples time with my small quibbles.  Everyone is trying their best and I think that is wonderful.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[dougall]

would someone like to tell me how to put a new post up without having to reply to myself, thank you.

[geoff]

dear Dougall, some posts can be quite difficult for others who are also trying to cope with anxiety to be able to reply back to, and I'm so sorry that only WK has replied to you, but that's a good start because he's one of our true champions out of many.

Please stop thinking that this post is a waste of people's time, because there's never   been one nor will there ever be one, it's a place where people can pour out their own troubles and problems as well as a place to be able to honestly talk to people who have been to hell and back, so please I want you to know that we do care 100% for everybody.

You obviously have had a husband who actually pushed you further into this being anxious, because as Tony has said 'we can't get over it', it's impossible, sure we can pretend but this doesn't help us suffering from depression/anxiety, it only makes out that we don't have this illness and that all is OK.

Yes this is so annoying , been there and have done that, but there lies this debilitating illness with in us, purring away if that's at all possible for a black dog to purr, but it doesn't it growls and bites back, always around the corner and watching us 24/7.

Now we have to get you to decide to get help, and from what you have said your stubborn and independent, well I don't think that you are any different to any of us on this site, I certainly was, but I was in denial and the longer I left it then the harder it becomes, because our feet are in concrete and it's slowly going 'off', as they say when it's drying.

So we have to get to try you to do a couple of things and I hope that these are possible, so push your stubbornness just to one side or perhaps sit on it, it's still there we both know this, but click under 'get support' at the top of this page, and find a doctor who is close to you, which they need to be so that you don't stew on it, and make an appointment but first tell the receptionist how you feel, she will understand and you won't be the first to feel this way.

I am running out of characters and hope to hear back from, because we have to help you get some help, so it's going to take some doing. L Geoff. x

[dougall]

Thank you for your reply, it is my nature, being Scottish, to be terribly independant and if I'm not then I have let myself down.  That is my heart not my head talking.  I know I need help and I know what I should do yet just getting over that first hurdle is like you are so close you could touch it then it zooms out a 100 miles an hour and it is so far away that it will take years to reach.  That is how it feels.  Went to the doctor about chest pains, took me 9 months to go then I was having panic attacks so not a good day at all but went.  It was not my heart.  Had ultrasound everything was normal so the pain is still there but because off the anxiety I have to work up the courage to make another appointment which will take me a while because I now feel silly about going to the doctors.  I read people very well and it is not easy for me to trust doctors as they have let me down many times.  They prescribe pills for almost anything and I am not a pill taking person.  I have to stay away from crowds and people for a few days after a stressful time to recouperate or talk myself into normal thoughts so this is helping me being able to just type to someone.

[dougall]

Well you know how things go so well then something, just one thing tips you over, something you did not see coming.  I just got a call from a mental health person to tell me they are there if I need them on the other end of the phone.  I told her when I feel suicidal I don't want t talk on the phone I need a face to face just to know there are people who will talk to me.  I need to read body language as over the phone you go on the tone of the voice and I always pick up on when people are getting frustrated with you and not listening because they are too busy trying to tell you how to get help instead of helping you.  I am now in a head space I did not want to be in, the sun is shinning and she just put a cloud over it.  I know there are people on the other end of the phone the same as there are people looking out for me on this site.  At the time of my bad thoughts I need the physical connection to just know there are people who want to be around me.  She said talk to a friend, I don't have any.  I am quite angry at the moment and need to calm down.  I made my son a promise not to commit suicide, at the moment that is something that is keeping me from not breathing.  If I did not make that promise then I probably would not be here.  Why do well intended people come over as being patronizing over the phone.

[dougall]

Thank you for the email, it was what I needed as I was going to give up on trying to find a way out myself.  I know people mean well.  I know that when you want to talk to someone face to face it is not always convenient yet that is what you need when you are at your most vulnerable, well I do.  I don't have any contact with anyone other than my ex husband and son.  I have paintings in a craft shop which are doing well, it takes me a while to put new ones in there because of the anxiety.  They are anime so I get surprised looks when they see who has painted them.  It is like a viscous circle, you feel down so you think I will have a glass of wine to calm my nerves then it turns into another glass till the bottle is empty then all the feelings of being worthless and unimportant come to the surface as you have relaxed too much and find it hard to keep that sober lid on it.  My worst time is at night when I am trying to sleep my head is talking to me all night and arguing with me sometimes, crazy as it is the same head, so in the morning I have felt as if I have not slept.  Taking pills do not help and after the bottle of wine it is only a 4 hour sleep that the voices are quiet because they are drunk.  I am very optimistic most of the time and love to laugh.  I just find it hard to find similar people where I am.

[dougall]

well I thought I would reply to myself and congratulate myself for keeping up with the communication on this site and working through some of the negativities I have.  I have a wonderful, healthy teenage son who loves me, I have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who loves me.  I have the strength and ability to get through this time in my life and learn from the experiences.  Only I can achieve what I want to achieve so the realisation of it has to be all me that does this is daunting, I will do it.  All the help I am getting on this site is helping me to understand that people can be giving.